SmackTalk 10.10.14: SmackDown Fifteenth Anniversay

If I could I’d start this post by making note of some of my favourite SmackDown memories from the past fifteen years. With it being an anniversary show it seems the appropriate thing to do. Unfortunately I can’t remember anything that wasn’t highlight by WWE during the show. That’s mostly due to SmackDown being the number two show for the majority of its life.

In fact the only thing I feel that’s worth mentioning here is that the first regular episode of SmackDown aired in the US on 26 August 1999. That means WWE are close to two months late with this fifteenth anniversary celebration. And, for the record, that wasn’t even the first episode of SmackDown. The first episode had been recorded and aired as a special in April ’99. I’d understand WWE ignoring that date in favour of the show’s debut as a weekly fixture, but I can’t say the same about this random October date.

But this isn’t the first time WWE have changed facts and figures for their own needs. It won’t be the last either. What was nice about the show was that WWE managed to capture the general pointlessness the programme has in 2014 and turn it into something worth celebrating. Truly they are masters of turning nothing into something (albeit something forgettable and entirely skippable).

The show kicked off with a video package filled with fast cuts between memorable SmackDown moments. Included were a generic Edge and Christian bit; some double posing from Triple H and Hulk Hogan; a face-off between Hogan and Brock Lesnar; Rock’s sliding People’s Elbow on The British Bulldog (it wasn’t clear that it was Bulldog, but it was); Schwarzenegger holding a replica title belt over his head and grinning; Rhino goring Chris Jericho through the stage set; Bischoff swerving the universe at the Billy and Chuck wedding by peeling off a fake face (which is particularly strange taken out of the wedding context as it was here); Cody throwing Sandow's briefcase into water and Sandow leaping in after it; Eddie Guerrero doing a frog splash off a cage (I can’t remember who took it, for which I can only apologise); Cena debuting opposite Kurt Angle; the Lesnar-Big Show ring explosion; Austin blowing up the DX Express; Rock making Coach dance the Charleston; and Undertaker parodying himself with the "Buckle up Teddy!" line. After that the video rattled through shots of Austin, Rock, Undertaker, DX, Jericho and others on SmackDown, presumably to remind us that the show was once pretty relevant.

Sadly there was no "Tag match, playa!" But we'd get to that. In fact we’d get back to many of the clips shown here. WWE replayed many of them later in the show in a series of celebratory reminders which, again, seemed designed to remind people that things used to happen on SmackDown.

In the arena it was Stephanie McMahon who got the show started. She was introduced not only as a principle owner but also the first ever SmackDown GM. As she strode to the ring Michael Cole informed us that when SmackDown first aired JBL was still wrestling and Tom Philips was ten years-old. Naturally he avoided revealing that when SmackDown first aired he was being humiliated by The Rock on a weekly basis.

Stephanie mentioned Rock coining the term SmackDown and losing to Triple H on the debut episode. Then she got interrupted by John Laurinaitis. The initial reaction to him was (understandably) uninspired but a nice “People power!” chant started up as soon as his music cut. Big Johnny said he'd been researching (though he didn't say what) on the WWE Network and had some matches he wanted to make. He didn't get to reveal them because Teddy Long came out, to a much louder reaction than Laurinaitis had received. JBL got up to dance and shake Teddy's hand. The crowd broke out in a “Teddy!” chant. Children wept with happiness. Women screamed out their love and adoration. Men shouted that they aspired to one day be as charismatic, powerful, and downright cool as Teddy Long. WWE were fools to release the man. He's money.

"Tag match, playa!"

Teddy and Johnny had a little back and forth (including Teddy nonsensically cramming in the line "The proof is in the playa") before Johnny announced a tag match. Teddy upped it to a six man tag match. Laurinaitis jumped it to a ten man tag. Teddy stacked it up further still, settling on a fifteen man tag match. It took him an age to run through the teams. I’m sure this as a joke at his expense, and that the segment was edited heavily.

Steph added the stip that the two men would captain the teams. The winning team would earn their captain the title of Best GM Ever. She put over the night’s Miz TV and then Adam Rose danced out to wish SmackDown a happy birthday and tell Stephanie to be a Rosebud. Stephanie booked him in a match with Kane. The three GMs danced into a break for some mid-2000s SmackDown surrealism.

The evening’s first glance to the past video played. It focused on the main event of the first episode, Triple H defending the WWF world championship against The Rock. It ended with guest referee super kicking ‘The Brahma Bull’ in the face, allowing his buddy to recover and hit a Pedigree for the win. I have never seen this match because Sky took a while to start airing SmackDown. I’ve seen enough Rock v Triple H matches to assume it was good.

After a break Kane came out. He was not wearing a vest, sadly. He listed some of the things he's not (a cheeseburger, a bunny, a lemon, a Rosebud) and said that what he is is a party pooper. Obviously he did this because those things were in Rise's entourage, but listing what he's not should be a new Kane gimmick. Basically, I want Kane to be made as peculiar and strange as possible. He no longer makes sense in any way as a character. WWE should embrace that.

‘The Big Red Machine’ won quickly with a choke slam. It was Rose’s first loss, pretty impressive when you consider how long he’s been on TV without a serious push behind him. He can now fulfil his destiny and become a jobber to the stars. After the match Kane punched, kicked and choke slammed a number of the Rosebuds. He nearly got his hands on the bunny, but it got away.

Blast from the past vid number two saw Kurt Angle issuing an open challenge to any young guy in the back wanting a shot at him. Because he was a big star in a big company back then, and a competitive match against him was a big deal. Cena lost the match, although WWE omitted that fact because these days Cena has to be shown as all powerful, not someone who’d lose to cleanly to a guy who no longer works for the company. Rikishi, Ron Simmons, and, most significantly, then-WWE champion Undertaker were booked to congratulate him afterwards. Ron said Cena would go far. He is wrestling’s Nostradamus.

Match two saw AJ Lee wrestle Alicia Fox. It was another short match. AJ won when she got picked up for a slam and countered into a Black Widow. Paige attacked after the match but AJ quickly dispatched her and skipped off.

The third recap focused on big stunts. Included was footage of Eddie Guerrero leaping off a cage (again); Jeff vaulting from one ladder over another ladder and going through a table; Rey Mysterio's debut jumping off a cage onto the UnAmericans; Kane jumping off a turnbuckle onto the New Age Outlaws during an inferno match; Mark Henry breaking into a cage; Mark Henry awkwardly jumping off the second rope through a table (probably edited to fool people not paying attention into thinking Henners did a top of the cage splash through a table); The Shield triple power bombing The Undertaker through a table; Stephanie slapping Linda; Rhino Goring Jericho through the set (again); and Lesnar superplexing Big Show to collapse the ring (again).

Kofi's face equals pain.

That was followed by Seth Rollins v Kofi Kingston. Rollins had Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble with him at ringside. Which gives me a chance to talk about their status as the New Stooges. Basically, I’m all for this. Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco received a sort of second career when they became Vince McMahon’s stooges in 1998, and it’s arguably what they’re most remembered for now. I like the idea of Triple H having a similar relationship with Noble and Mercury, two guys who were always competent but never especially over during their runs as active wrestlers.

Rollins versus Kingston was not the first match you'd probably expect. Rollins controlled the bulk of the encounter and kept the pace slow. Early foray to ringside and brief Kofi comeback aside there was nothing much to see. Rollins won with a buckle bomb and a Curb Stomp.

That was followed by a Wyatt Family video. It focused on Luke Harper having been fixed and getting sent out into the world. I think splitting the trio is a mistake. You can read a lengthy explanation here, but basically Harper and Rowan are more likely to be booked, and booked relatively prominently, if they remain affiliated, even loosely, with Bray.  

Another recap followed that. The topic was Money in the Bank cash-ins. It was an odd choice as there were only two to show. The first was Edge’s World Heavyweight title win over ‘Taker, one night after he’d defeated original Money in the Bank contract holder Mr Kennedy for the briefcase. The second saw Jack Swagger cashing in on Jericho to win his one and only world title.

Everybody taps.

Ziggler v Rusev was preceded by the obligatory replay of The Rock's surprise appearance on RAW. The match was, by the standards of Rusev's TV appearances, a competitive affair. Ziggler sold for a while before making a comeback with a corner splash and a Fameasser. Rusev weathered those, blocked a super kick, then hit a super kick of his own and applied The Accolade for the tap out victory.

Afterwards Lana laid into Philadelphia (hey, you gotta get that cheap heat) and The Rock. Rusev said Rock would pay for what he'd done and also challenged Big Show to face him on RAW, promising to crush him. I expect that will be more angle than match. The natural place for that bout is Hell in a Cell (the show, not the gimmick).

A reminder that Steve Austin and Booker T once brawled around a supermarket came next. I hated this segment at the time. It was a funny enough premise but it dragged. I’m sure the unedited version lasts around five minutes, which is a painful amount of time to watch two men hit each other with groceries.

The Rock, Triple H and Stephanie were shown meeting up backstage after RAW. It started with awkward, unamusing smalltalk. They reminisced about the first SmackDown main event. Rock brought up how amazing it would be for them to have one more match at a WrestleMania. Both thought they'd win, obvs. The segment ended with Triple H telling Stephanie Rock was cheap for never picking up a cheque. It took a while to get going but it ended up being pretty enjoyable.

For the record I think WWE could do worse than a Triple H versus Rock match at WrestleMania 31 or 32. The most interesting thing about the idea, to me, is that even though they feuded on and off for years they never had a singles match at a WrestleMania. In fact, the only match they had at a 'Mania was a four-way elimination including Mick Foley and Big Show which saw ‘The Great One’ and ‘The Game’ as the final two. Promoted as their final ever confrontation, with videos put together to remind us that their feud was a constant as they progressed from the middle to the top of the roster and included dozens of TV and pay-per-view confrontations, I think it could be a big nostalgia attraction. That said, I think it would be better to have both men facing younger guys.

Back in the arena Michael Cole showed a (sloppily made) cake with the SmackDown logo on it. JBL chucked it over Tom Phillips and everyone had a good laugh. Well, Cole and Layfield did. The audience chuckled humourlessly. I rolled my eyes. The eye-rolling stopped when Booker T was introduced as a guest commentator for the main event. His first sentence on the headsets included the words “shucky ducky quack quack”. I’d be completely fine if JBL were only on RAW and Booker was left to handle SmackDown again.

The final flashback video showed highlights of the episode of SmackDown where Austin psyched out the McMahon-Helmsley faction. They went out the ring to call him out, foolishly leaving their tour bus unattended. ‘Stone Cold’ took that opportunity to hijack a crane and blow the bus up. Natch.

Match-wise Team Teddy versus Team Johnny was the main event. Teddy team was comprised of Sheamus, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, the Usos, Los Matadores, and El Torito. Big Johnny’s was comprised of Cesaro, Bo Dallas, Stardust, Goldust, Damien Mizdow, Slater Gator, and Mini Gator.

It was the longest match of the night by a wide margin. It had time to be good but there were too many guys involved for it to accomplish that. Everyone seemed to settle on making it inoffensive and they managed it. And if that doesn’t perfectly sum up fifteen years of SmackDown I don’t know what does.

Dives are always good for a pop.

Jimmy Uso was kept in the ring to play babyface in peril for a while. During this time there was a loud “We want Mizdow!” chant and extended cheers when he tagged in. When Jimmy finally managed to make the tag it was to Sheamus. He blasted through the majority of his opposition and a sequence of Big Spots™ kicked off. Shaymo lined up Cesaro, Stardust and Slater to give them all his ten punch spot. The babyface tag teams hit some dives. Henry went to hit a World’s Strongest Slam on Bo but found himself sent tumbling over the top rope. Bo then power bombed El Torito onto a gaggle of guys hanging around at ringside. The ending saw Mizdow tag in and try an SCF on ‘Great White’, only to be rammed into the turnbuckle, slump to the mat, and take the match-wnning top rope splash from an Uso. Let's say it was Jey.

After another Wyatt video, this one focusing on Erick Rowan (described as a big child) it was time for the main event promo segment. Before introducing his guests Miz announced that the Ambrose v Cena match at Hell in Cell will not just be for a Cell match with Rollins. It will also be a contract on a pole match. Maybe Russo, free of the constraints of working for TNA, has returned to WWE to book pole matches. But probably not.

Ambrose kicked things off by saying he attacked Cena on RAW to show that it doesn't matter who he is or what he’s accomplished: nobody crosses Dean Ambrose. Anyone that crosses him gets hunted down. He also made it clear that he wants Rollins inside the Hell in a Cell because Rollins crossed him. Which was a good move: it would have been all too easy for the focus of the segment to be Cena and Ambrose's match, when it should have been about the hatred both have for Rollins and their reasons for wanting him. Which is what ended up happening, unfortunately. But hey, Ambrose tried.

Cena immediately did his best to undercut Ambrose by being patronising, telling him he was impressed. Apparently he listens to the reactions everyone gets and watches every segment of every show. Which is probably true, but it could make him sound a little paranoid about the safety of his spot. He said Ambrose has "it", that mythical, undefinable quality that separates the massively successful wrestlers from their peers? No. A pair of baseballs, which Cena pulled from his pocket. Presumably they were there to represent testicles, a shorthand for tenacity and determination in wrestling.

How else was WWE going to close their fifteenth anniversary SmackDown show?

Cena yammered a bit more putting himself over and saying he likes his chances at Hell in a Cell. Miz asked Ambrose if he likes his chances against Cena. Ambrose’s response: "Yep." Cena said he'd see Ambrose at HIAC. Miz stopped him and tried to stir things up between them. The faces gave Miz a beating. Cena quickly hoisted 'The Awesome One' up for an AA but decided to put him down and let Ambrose hit the double arm DDT instead... after which Ambrose took an AA.

As a wrestling show, this episode of SmackDown was subpar. Only one segment did anything for the next pay-per-view and only one match lasted more than five minutes, and it wasn’t very good. But as a celebration of SmackDown’s fifteen year history it worked. Teddy Long, John Laurinaitis and Booker T were all used effectively and everything about the self-contained story of the episode (the battle of the former GMs) screamed inconsequential filler. And if that’s not SmackDown for most of the past fifteen years, I don’t know what is.

The Ross Report

On Wednesday WWE announced via their website that Jim Ross is retiring, putting an end to a business relationship that started 1993 and has survived two firings (plus a number of kayfabe ones). It’s an announcement that came completely out of the blue. JR’s official exit as a television mainstay came several years ago but he’d still been very active for the company. Mostly he was involved in NXT, attending evaluation sessions and tapings and, occasionally, commentating for the league.

It’s commentary that ‘Good Old’ JR will be most remembered for. When I first started watching WWF programming in late 1998 he was the company’s lead play-by-play guy working alongside Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler on Monday Night RAW. That role was as integral to the success of the Attitude Era as anything else you care to name.

During that period alone JR enhanced an uncountable number of matches and contributed to some all-time classics. The one that immediately springs to mind is the Mankind v Undertaker v Hell in a Cell match at King of the Ring ’98. That match is incredible for the life-endangering falls Mick Foley took off and through the Cell structure. If you watch it back with a critical eye you’ll realise that very little besides that actually happens. Foley is knocked senseless after his two falls and has to be guided through a relatively basic exchange within the Cell by ‘The Phenom’. Part of the reason the bout has the reputation it does is Ross’s commentary. He helped to make Foley’s falls, in a very real way sacrifices, even more memorable and made the remainder of the match seem more animated than it was with his spirited performance from the announce booth. Ross’s impassioned plea of “Will someone stop the damn match!” is just as memorable as either of Foley’s tumbles.

There are other matches improved by JR, of course. Foley v Triple H at Royal Rumble 2000, Austin v Rock at WrestleMania X7 (and indeed ‘Manias XV and XIX), Chris Jericho v Triple H from the April 17^th RAW, Hulk Hogan v Shawn Michaels at SummerSlam ’05, the Batista v Triple H pay-per-view trilogy from 2005, Cactus Jack v Randy Orton at Backlash ’04, Shane McMahon’s hardcore title match with Steve Blackman, and even Kurt Angle’s main roster debut against Shawn Stasiak all benefited from Jim Ross’s involvement. I could go on. All were great matches to begin with, but JR’s skill calling them made them that little bit better.

What makes a good wrestling announcer is probably just as debatable as what makes a good wrestler. JR may not be everyone’s favourite commentator ever but I think anyone would be hard pushed to argue that he’s not amongst the best. He was an incredibly adept performer, just as comfortable calling a brutal TLC or Hell in a Cell match as he was contributing asides to a half hour long This Is Your Life comedy segment. When at the commentary desk JR could help to mask some of the shortcomings of less able wrestlers, an incredibly important knack for any commentator to have (it’s something Michael Cole still needs to improve), and explaining the story of a match with an air of good natured ease, arguably the chief role of a WWF and E commentator.

The more wrestling I watched the more commentators I was exposed to. Despite having a sizable commentary roster there was nobody in WCW who did such a great job as JR. It would be years before I noticed how good Ross was at his job, which is a sign in itself that he was talented. I noticed immediately how forced Tony Schiavone and his gang sounded. In ECW Joey Styles was great and for a while I was convinced he was the best wrestling commentator going. Looking back I realise that while he was good he was more technical. He could call wrestling moves and holds that JR wouldn’t have known the name of, true, but he wasn’t as gifted a storyteller as JR. Although in fairness that was slightly less a priority in ECW and Styles contributed to that product just as much as Ross did to the WWF.

 

JR cutting a promo and rocking a beard

 

This is not to say that JR was perfect. It wasn’t unknown for him to miscall moves and he would routinely get basic things wrong, such as mixing up Matt and Jeff Hardy. But when it came to getting over the story of any given match, recapping ongoing plots, covering weakness, and hyping pay-per-views, there was nobody finer .

While commentary is the role for which JR will be most remembered it’s not the only job he held in the company. From the late 90s until the middle of the “naughties” Ross was the Fed’s head of talent relations. The duties linked to this job are many but the key aspects of it were hiring, firing and re-signing wrestlers to appear on WWE’s TV shows. As great and passionate as he was on and about the commentary role it was the talent relations job that allowed Ross to make his greatest contributions to the company. He played a part in signing names such as Steve Austin, Mick Foley, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Batista, Randy Orton, CM Punk and John Cena. Considering the amount of money those men, and many others signed by JR, have made for WWE, and themselves by extension, over the years it’s hard not to see this as his greatest contribution to WWE.

That the men who succeeded Ross in both of his roles struggled to gain acceptance shows just what a great wrestling mind he was. Michael Cole was so unpopular when he first replaced JR on RAW that he ended up being turned heel. Over the last two years he’s gradually drifted back to a babyface approach and is proficient at his job, but I know of nobody who has the same affection for him that they have for JR. Part of that is perhaps the fact that the nature of the job has changed and is now as much about promoting Twitter as telling us someone’s applied an armbar.

Over in talent relations John Laurinaitis was a flop when he replaced Ross (after several years of training, it should be pointed out). The only major player he signed during his time in the role was Daniel Bryan and, by most accounts, he alienated himself from the roster. Ross benefited from being in a position to sign established grapplers like Foley, Austin and Punk, but he also signed guys who were unproven. He clearly had an eye for talent that Laurinaitis lacked.

There are plenty of rumours doing that rounds as to why JR left. They’re largely unimportant. The thing to focus on is that he’s leaving, ostensibly to spend more time with his family and work on his ever-growing range of BBQ products (sauce it!). While it’s always possible he’ll surface in WWE again sometime in the future it’s not likely to come soon, and his contributions will probably be far more sporadic if he does.

WWE isn’t going to fall apart without Jim Ross. But it will be a little worse off without his knowledge, passion and input. He’ll be missed, on screen and off.

Indy Raiders

WWE have been recruiting from the independent wrestling scene for a few years now. Well, technically speaking, they’ve been recruiting from the indies since the territories went away and the independent scene sprang up to replace them. It’s more accurate to say that WWE have refined their taste in indy stars over the last several years.

In a sense the company’s stance on indy standouts and veterans changed when they signed CM Punk. Anyone who’s watched the Best in the World DVD will know this. It’s spoken about openly there. Punk was going to be let go at one point because nobody in a position of authority knew what to do with him. He stayed employed because of Paul Heyman being desperate to use him in WWECW.

Why was he signed to begin with? There’s no obvious answer to those of us not in the know but I imagine his look, clear understanding of how to wrestle, and passion stood him in good sted. Once he’d made it to then developmental league OVW his glowing reputation hindered his progress, resulting in the near firing. Anyone who’s achieved a level of notoriety before heading to WWE is essentially a target, the perception of the road agents seeming to be that the guy will believe in their own hype and only know how to work the indy style, as opposed to the much vaunted WWE style.

Basically, nobody in WWE expected Punk to become as big as he has and he was originally signed because certain influential people in the company (most likely Heyman and Jim Ross) appreciated the potential he had. I certainly can’t imagine John Laurinaitis had the wherewithal to approach him.

Punk’s success despite WWE’s booking is probably what made them change their opinion on guys like him. If he could succeed in spite of efforts to hold him down as a mid-carder then logically there would be a chance that the guys he came up with on the indies could possess that same talent. That, I imagine, was the thought process employed by Vince McMahon, Triple H, and their cadre of advisors.

I could be reading too much into things of course. It’s true that sooner or later WWE were going to have to sign some of the top stars from the indies instead of the likes of Gunner Scott, Eric Escobar, Sylvester Terkay, and Orlando Jordan. Perhaps that point was simply reached and they decided to sign good guys, rather than average ones, as opposed to their being some big revelatory moment revolving around CM Punk.

 

This brings back happy memories for precisely no one

 

The signing of Bryan ‘Daniel Bryan’ Danielson was the first indication WWE were going to pursue peers of ‘The Second City Saint’. He’d be regarded for years as the best wrestler on the North American indy scene and so he was a natural guy to approach once the “let’s de-push indy stars” mentality was dropped.

Bryan became a star for WWE too. Okay, he’s not reached the heights of Punk and it’s possibly that he never will, but he’s done far more than anyone thought he would. That’s important. He was given a chance to do well and proved that he could. He showed that Punk wasn’t an anomaly, that guys from “the indy generation” (or should that be “the ROH generation”?) could adapt their approach and get over in The Big Leagues.

The last few years have seen WWE snatching up indy talent like they’re going out of style. Claudio Castagnoli, Chris Hero, PAC, El Generico, and Sara Del Rey have all signed up to get a new ring name and take on various roles within WWE. There’s recently been talk that Mike Bennett and Sami Callihan are on the cusp of inking developmental deals, and it was announced on May 26^th that Samuray Del Sol has signed a contract.

 

Please pair this man with Sin Cara. Thanks

 

It’s pleasing to see that WWE are routinely scouring the independents. It means they’re finally willing to admit that there are very talented wrestlers out there who don’t work for a sports entertainment organisation and that their product will be better with said wrestlers involved. It’s not the best situation for the indies to be in, but it’s been proven time and again over the last couple of decades that a new batch of talent can always be found when there’s a mass exodus for WWE.

This approach is best for everyone involved. WWE gets the best talent to display on the most watched wrestling shows in the world and the younger stars just starting out get to prove their capable of following in the footsteps of their predecessors. It’s almost like the circle of life.

Almost.

SmackTalk 29.03.13

This week’s SmackDown was better than this week’s RAW. Not that you’d know that from listening to the crowd. They were one of the most unresponsive bunches to attend a WWE show since… well… since Monday’s RAW actually. The lack of enthusiasm from Monday’s audience was to be expected though: Philadelphia is known for having a hard-to-please population of fans. Hershey should’ve been (slightly) rowdier.

Considering SmackDown’s status as the clear number two show WWE went to a lot of trouble to make this week’s broadcast enjoyable. For starters The Rock appeared. Opening the show with the biggest star currently affiliated with the company should have ignited the crowd for the rest of the evening. Instead ‘The Great One’ received a warm reaction that fizzled out once his music cut off, leaving him to play to crickets and the occasional bout of laughter.

The WWE champion was interrupted by John Laurinaitis. That was a strange move. The two have never interacted before and ‘Big Johnny’ hasn’t been seen on TV since last summer. Fans reacted to his entrance and the People’s Elbow he took but otherwise they seemed indifferent to the most random return of 2013.

Why WWE thought this was a good thing to put on TV I have no idea. Surely it would have made more sense to send a mid-card act out there instead. It didn’t do the Rhodes Scholars any harm back in January. 3MB, the Prime Time Players or Antonio Cesaro all would have been more interesting choices.

Bizarrely the crowd were fairly raucous by the time the main event rolled around. Who would have thought that Randy Orton, Big Show and Sheamus facing ‘The Swiss Superman’ and the Rhodes Scholars would get a more consistent reaction than The Rock?

 

Cody's about to go for a moustache ride

 

Elsewhere on the show Ryback and Mark Henry competed in a weightlifting contest. Both men broke what was apparently a legitimate world record, although the specifics of this were not provided by the commentary team. This is peculiar considering how much JBL loves reeling off stats he’s copied off of Wikipedia.

That segment came to a screeching halt when Mark Henry choked ‘Big Hungry’ with a steel bar. It felt like too much. The ‘back versus Henry feud would have been fine if it had simply consisted of each man squashing jobbers and glaring at each other for several weeks. Presumably they’ll have a brawl next week.

It’s also worth noting that this segment featured Booker T and Teddy Long bickering with one another. It will lead to a heel turn for one of them, probably Booker. Unless the writing staff lose interest, that is.

Chris Jericho had a nice match with Wade Barrett. Miz was on commentary to cause a distraction and allow ‘Y2J’ to score the win with the Codebreaker. Following that Fandango rocked up and danced about before posing. He did not enter the ring. A minor surprise was that he managed to provoke a reaction from the fans.

Kaitlyn and Daniel Bryan defeated Dolph Ziggler and AJ in a decent match. Had they had three or four more minutes it could have been a very good outing. Sadly matches of this type only exist to advance feuds. In this case it was the already announced WrestleMania tag title match and the expected Divas title match between AJ and Kaitlyn. The latter is another example of a match that would benefit from a decent amount of time but probably won’t get it.

Finally, Jack Swagger and The Great Khali went to a double count out when ‘The Real American’ locked in the Patriot Act at ringside. Afterwards Hornswoggle got duffed up. I would have been happy for him to get written off TV here. He contributes nothing of value to anything he’s involved in.

After the destruction of the leprechaun Ricardo Rodriguez came out to distract Swagger and Colter. Alberto Del Rio snuck in through the crowd and tussled with Swagger for a bit. A month and a half ago I was excited by the prospect of a feud between Swagger and ADR. It seemed like it would be something inventive and provocative, a programme that broke the stale monotony of WWE’s booking formula. Sadly it’s turned out to be the endless stream of run-ins and brawls we see all the time. Here at least the Herhsey audience’s apathy was completely understandable.

Intro video

Tweet 1: Tonight… ON SMACKDOWN!!

Tweet 2: The Rock, The Rock talking, The Rock, plus The Rock! Also Jack Swagger, The Shield and clips of Big Show playing babyface.

The Rock promo, featuring John Laurinatis and an absence of logical booking

Tweet 3: Rock's jerking the curtain. I wonder if he'll wrestle on this show...

Tweet 4: Three man announce team. Cole's overexposure continues.
Tweet 5: Rock's telling yet another story about his childhood. How was it so eventful? Answer: he's probably lying.
Tweet 6: Considering it's The Rock in the ring this crowd seems pretty subdued.
Tweet 7: Middle-aged women in the audience there, screaming with excitement for Rock's catchphrase. It's Michaels' Kliq groupies all over again.
Tweet 8: I kind of miss Rock's strange goatee from last year.
Tweet 9: John Laurinaitis is back! Why put someone who could benefit from a segment with The Rock in the ring? Give it to 'Big Johnny'.

It's the return we've all be longing for: 'Big Johnny' is back!

Tweet 10: This should end with an impromptu WWE championship match in which Laurinaitis beats Rock, giving us Cena v Laurinaitis at WrestleMania.
Tweet 11: Hilarious non-selling of the People's Elbow there. Laurinaitis is like late 90s ECW Taz.
Tweet 12: Laurinaitis should be a colour commentator on NXT.

Wade Barrett v Chris Jericho

Tweet 13: I'm not that into the Jericho v Faaaaaan... daaaaaan... goooooo feud but I like Fandango as a wrestler.

Tweet 14: BARRETT RING COAT ALERT!!
Tweet 15: That black eye makes 'Y2J' look like he sleeps rough. Maybe he does.
Tweet 16: Miz had title matches at Royal Rumble and Elimination Chamber. He lost both. Why is he being awarded another at WrestleMania?
Tweet 17: Beating Barrett non-title isn't enough of a reason. This entire feud is stupid.
Tweet 18: Jericho now has a non-title win over Barrett too. When will HIS title match be? WHEN?!
Tweet 19: I wonder if Johnny Curtis took dancing lessons to play Fandango. He could just be making it up as he goes along.
Tweet 20: Ken Shamrock reference from JBL there. #surprising
Tweet 21: How long until Fandango's unnamed female associate wins the Divas championship?

Josh Mathews interview Paul Heyman

Tweet 22: Is the bruise around Heyman's eye real? Looks like a bad makeup job.

Tweet 23: Predictably excellent work from Paul Heyman. Imagine who bad that video would've been if it had been Lesnar doing it himself.

Ryback and Mark Henry weightlifting challenge, hosted by Booker T and Teddy Long

Tweet 24: Booker and Teddy are on the stage, playas. #holla

Tweet 25: Booker needs to be careful of how he says "contest"...
Tweet 26: This should be booked as a comedy segment. It won't be. But it should be.
Tweet 27: They're teasing a rift between Teddy and Booker. I want Teddy to go heel and manage Henry again.
Tweet 28: SmackDown should feature weightlifting contests every week. This is amazing TV.
Tweet 29: "THAT'S WHAT I DO!" - Mark Henry after lifting some weights
Tweet 30: Ryback gets his throat crushed by Henry. It doesn't contradict Booker T's no-touching clause because Henry touched the bar. #wrestlinglogic

Powerful stuff

Daniel Bryan and Kaitlyn v Dolph Ziggler and AJ

Tweet 31: Bryan, Ziggler, Kaitlyn and AJ all in one match? This'll be the highlight of the show.

Tweet 32: "He absolutely explodes when he goes into somebody" - JBL with an inadvertently filthy comment on Big E Langston
Tweet 33: #nokicks
Tweet 34: Big E's scaring me. I'm constantly worried he's going to pop out.
Tweet 35: Kaitlyn spear > All other wrestling spears

Shield promo

Tweet 36: Here's a lovely little Shield ramble. Rollins and Reigns should shut up and let Ambrose do all the talking.

Tweet 37: They've got him beaten in the hair department though.

The Great Khali v Jack Swagger

Tweet 38: The Great Khali can't even walk convincingly.

Tweet 39: And apparently Garcia can't say Hornswoggle convincingly. She said "Sportswoggle".
Tweet 40: Instead of being 'The Punjabi Playboy' Khali should be referred to as 'The Punjabi Pimp'.
Tweet 41: It would create a fresh new direction for Natalia.'s character.
Tweet 42: "He targets the leg" - Michael Cole as Jack Swagger headbutted Khali in the groin
Tweet 43: Hornswoggle should've had his ankle broken.
Tweet 44: ADR in through the crowd after a distraction from Ricardo. #itwasasetupallalong
Tweet 45: I do not approve of the jazzy remix of Del Rio's music. It's too jovial.

Renee Young interviews Sheamus, Randy Orton and Big Show

Tweet 46: Renee Young is an improvement on Matt Striker.

Tweet 47: Babyface superteams are the worst, Jerry. The worst.

Sheamus, Randy Orton and Big Show v Antonio Cesaro and The Rhodes Scholars

Tweet 48: They should get a team name and entrance music so they can all skip to the ring together at WrestleMania.

Tweet 49: Sandow and Cesaro would make an even better team than Sandow and Magnum TA junior. Their gimmicks are similar.
Tweet 50: Oh no! Randy was isolated by the heels during the break! I think his team may lose... #kayfabe
Tweet 51: It's possible Orton won't turn on Sheamus at WrestleMania. They could form a team and win the tag titles instead.
Tweet 52: Amazingly the audience has woken up for the main event after being quiet for the entire show.
Tweet 53: Show, Sheamus and Orty won. Who saw that coming, eh?
Tweet 54: Post-match Shield beating hijinks.
Tweet 55: The show goes off the air with three knackered looking men posing in the crowd. Maybe WWE should let up on the live event schedule.

Anti-Authority

Why is it that every wrestling promotion under the sun (well, the ones in North America at any rate) feels the need to clog up valuable minutes of air time with authority figures? WWE is the prime culprit. This year we've seen AJ Lee become the GM of RAW only to be fired a few months later for "inappropriate relations" with a talent, Booker T appointed as the new SmackDown boss with his assistants (Teddy Long and Eve) bickering and one-upping each other continually, and, of course, the entire John Laurinaitis saga. The latter was a holdover from one of last year's central stories.
 
While authority figure storylines are a WWE speciality they're not the only ones at it. Over the last few years TNA has become a pustule of unsightly continuity plots with match-making power tossed around seemingly at random between Sting, Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan and Dixie Carter. Not content to simply rotate established names through an existing job a new role was also created: GM of the Knockouts division. Designed exclusively as a way to get Brooke 'Hogan' Bollea onto television it's a move that hasn't improved Impact at all.
 
Even Ring of Honor, the company all about emphasising in-ring competition and downplaying frivolous stories (supposedly), has seen an above average amount of time dedicated to match-makers this year. Executive Producer Jim Cornette was the main rival of world champion Kevin Steen before being written off TV (because of his real life dismissal from the booking squad) to be replaced by Nigel McGuinness.
 
In 2012 there is no need for these figures to be featured so prominently. Yet they are. Their prominence is a holdover from the days of the Attitude Era, where the Mr McMahon character first gained notoriety and become a money draw. People had filled similar roles before, but never had they gotten over so well. Vince was so fantastically good at the heel owner shtick that the promotion’s writing team (which was installed during the Era’s latter years) became used to writing with such a character.

The man who started the trend

Authority figures have become a crutch to the WWE writers. They rely on them for easy storytelling and eliciting the desired reaction (usually boos or cheers) easily from fans. It’s a habit that needs to stop. Wrestling shows do not need weekly appearances from General Managers, Executive Producers, Managing Consultants, commissioners or any similar fictitious role.

That’s not to say that these roles should be done away with completely. There’s always a need for authority figures in wrestling. A GM, commissioner or owner is someone who can explain the storylines and book the matches on screen. It’s a good way of getting retired or limited performers (or over non-workers) onto television. They just shouldn’t be on every week talking for twenty minutes.

TNA, WWE and ROH are all just as guilty as one another when it comes to this. All three need to decrease the amount of time dedicated to these performers and start focusing on signing and pushing new acts whom they will be able to rely upon in the years to come. People won’t buy a pay-per-view to see matches being made. They’ll buy a pay-per-view to watch matches being wrestled.

No Longer a Lord

What happened to the push of Tensai?

The former A-Train returned to the promotion to much fan interest after several years away from WWE wrestling in Japan. During this time he improved as a worker and became a genuinely big star for Pro Wrestling NOAH.

His return was not only heralded by a series of vignettes but also a new character that was different to everything else on the roster. With his height and bulk, not to mention his improvement in the ring, the feeling was that Matt Bloom would receive a big push under the new guise of Lord Tensai. There were rumours he would be associated with then on-screen boss John Laurinaitis and feud with John Cena. It looked as though Bloom was going straight to the top.

Anyone who has been watching WWE programming over the last six months will know that this hasn’t happened.

Things started off well enough. Lord Tensai won his first few matches via squash and the commentary team went out of their way to put him over as an experienced competitor, mentioning his time in Japan and the fact that he had had a less than stellar run in WWE a decade before. This is rare behaviour for Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler. That they were putting Tensai over indicated that management had big plans for him.

It was only a few weeks after he’d returned to the promotion that Lord Tensai was permitted the ultimate honour: he defeated John Cena. He didn’t do it clean, David Otunga, John Laurinaitis and his personal manservant Sakamoto all involved themselves in the no disqualification bout and Tensai used the dreaded Green Mist™ finish, but it was still a promising sign. That he was booked to beat Cena, the company’s golden boy, in any fashion was big news.

 

Tensai has proven a textbook example of how to bury someone. Good work, John...

 

From there it all just… stopped. Tensai toppled Cena in a few more outings but it didn’t take ‘The CeNation Leader’ long to get his win back. There was no pay-per-view clash between the two and Tensai found himself without any actual storyline. He was simply hired muscle that happened to be doing a Japanese gimmick.

It wasn’t until July’s Money in the Bank, three months after he had returned to WWE, that Tensai wrestled on pay-per-view. He made up the numbers in the World Heavyweight championship MITB clash. By this point fans had accepted he wasn’t going to be used as a headliner: he had been booked to lose numerous times to wrestlers of varying status, from Cena to Tyson Kidd, and had numerous tweaks made to his character (such as the loss of his Lordship) that made him stand out less.

It’s a pity. Had WWE formulated a plan for using Tensai he could have been an interesting addition to the main event scene. His size allows him a surprising amount of versatility: he could be booked as a monster against the likes of CM Punk and Daniel Bryan, muscle around giants like Kane and Big Show, or have an intense “slobberknocker” of a match with a guy like Sheamus.

Tensai is one of the few men on the roster who can get a bearable outing from John Cena. WWE can still book this match whenever they like but we’ve seen it several times over the last few months and it won’t feel particularly special anymore.

Had Tensai decisively beaten Cena at Over The Limit and No Way Out he could then have been used as a contender to World Heavyweight champion Sheamus at Money in the Bank. Had that happened then ‘The Celtic Warrior’s’ run with Alberto Del Rio wouldn’t have outstayed its welcome and there would have been a purpose to Tensai’s return to the company.

As things stand right now Tensai is lost in the mid-card and doesn’t look as though he’ll be doing anything meaningful any time soon. Another wasted chance by WWE’s creative team.

That RAW Recap 18.06.12

This week’s episode of RAW opened with the news that Cyndi Lauper would be making her first appearance for WWE in close to twenty years. That did not fill me with confidence. Nor did the sight of Mick Foley shuffling out to the ring. Don’t get me wrong, Foley has had some great matches with some great (and not so great) guys and is one of the best promo men ever in wrestling. He could and should be regarded as one of the most entertaining and influential wrestlers ever.

Can you feel a “but” coming?

Sadly, Foley has done a lot of harm to his own image over the years. His numerous retirements (the first of which occurred in 2000) make it difficult to believe he means what he says while some of the promos he’s produced over the last decade have veered dangerously close to mid-life crisis territory (in particular when working with Ric Flair). Meanwhile his “deliberately awful” This Is Your Life segment for John Cena upon his return to WWE last year harmed his reputation as a guy who helps out youngsters: it ate up a preposterous amount of air time, wasn’t entertaining and failed to elevate anybody except perhaps Foley himself.

With all of this in mind you should be able to understand why I had mixed feelings when Foley opened up RAW. In the end it wasn’t a big deal. His role was to inform us of the new storyline approach to General Managers now that Laurinaitis has been fired (the mysterious Board of Directors will appoint former GMs and commissioners to run RAW and SmackDown on a weekly basis until a permanent candidate is found for the role) and then introduce the former Dynamic Dude for his farewell address.

What followed was the typical Laurinaitis promo, complete with the inevitable interjection from Foley to get some extra heat on the villainous former talent boss. The only thing he said that was worthy of note was that his final official act as GM had been to book himself, David Otunga and Big Show in a handicap match against John Cena. Why he decided to do this, having failed to defeat Cena so many times before, was not explained.

As Laurinaitis headed backstage Sheamus and CM Punk made their entrances. They predictably mocked their former boss before sharing a laugh in the ring. All WWE babyfaces are great mates.

The opening contest was CM Punk and Sheamus teaming to take on Kane and Daniel Bryan. It was talked up as a huge match but there was a very similar match on Friday’s SmackDown (Ziggler teamed with Bryan in place of Kane) so it was difficult to get too excited about. It was a typically good match until the obligatory storyline advancement took place.

AJ came skipping out to ringside in a makeshift Kane costume. After performing a circuit of the ring she returned to the locker room, with ‘The Big Red Machine’ following her halfway up the aisle doing his best to convey bemusement with body language alone. Bryan was no match for Punk and Sheamus by himself and swiftly fell victim to a GTS and Brogue Kick combo.

The entire Punk, AJ, Bryan and Kane story is incredibly frustrating. Punk and Bryan are two of the best wrestlers in the company and the best bet for creating a new rivalry that could thrive on WWE for years to come. There will be plenty of time for an addition like AJ in the future but for now the two men should be allowed to just concentrate on producing classic matches.

This time last year WWE put everything they had into a Punk push, over the last several months Bryan has turned himself into a highly successful tweener character, and not three months ago Kane was cutting promos about how he wanted to be seen as a monster again. I don’t see why WWE has decided to draw these three men together and use them to get AJ over.

Back to RAW…

Backstage Swagger and Ziggler bickered over who was riding whose coattails. Vickie rocked up and said they’d find out who was best in a singles match and the winner would get her managerial services.

Elsewhere in the arena David Otunga and John Laurinaitis were being smug about their main event tussle with John Cena. Big Show was there but he looked disinterested in proceedings. I imagine most viewers felt the same.

The Jack Swagger v Dolph Ziggler match was enjoyable. ‘The Show Off’ was subtly booked to play a babyface, besting Swagger and playing to the audience before hurting his ankle and valiantly battling back against his larger opponent. It’s a WWE classic, but it’s a classic for a reason: it’s a simple story to perform and follow and usually gets the desired effect.

This week’s RAW was no exception. Fans rallied behind ‘The Heel’ and cheered him on in his victory over ‘The All American American’. They only turned on him after the match when he kissed the loathed Vickie Guerrero and exited with her. I’d like a Ziggler face turn soon. The reception he got on RAW and at No Way Out proves that it could work.

Next up was a Paul Heyman promo. The previous evening at No Way Out storyline COO Triple H challenged Brock Lesnar to drop his lawsuits and fight him at SummerSlam. Heyman was there to issue a response on behalf of his business acquaintance. That answer was no.

Heyman told us that Lesnar had no interest in returning to WWE or facing Triple H. ‘The Game’ interrupted to inform the former ECW boss that if Brock did accept then SummerSlam would be built around their match, revealing a poster for the event that featured a shot of Lesnar gaping into the camera.

There was a little back-and-forth. Heyman said ‘The Pain’ couldn’t be won over because he wasn’t motivated by ego, ‘The Cerebral Assassin’ reminded him that Lesnar had previously demanded RAW become known as Monday Night RAW: Starring Brock Lesnar. The segment finished with Hunter punching Heyman in the face (which may have been more impactful had RAW not ended on John Cena punching out Laurinaitis a week or two ago) and opining that if Lesnar doesn’t accept his challenge the world will assume it’s because he’s scared of getting the same treatment.

Forget what was said on RAW, Lesnar v Triple H will headline SummerSlam

A brief battle between Alberto Del Rio and Santino followed that. It ended in a loss for ‘The Milan Miracle’. After the match Ricardo Rodriguez gave the US champion an arm breaker. I suspect this is the next feud for ADR. If it is I’m not looking forward to it.

The next segment was utterly bizarre. It opened with Layla introducing Cyndi Lauper and Wendi Richter. Lauper churned out some of the stock pleasantries guests on WWE television always do before she was interrupted by Heath Slater. Slater told the “broads” to quieten down and stand in the corner while he sang his “future number one single.” The women laughed and Lauper kept talking as ‘The One Man Rock Band’ launched into a deliberately awful solo.

‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper then randomly joined the fun and buried the hatchet with Lauper. There was some sort of angle-feud between them twenty years ago and it should be noted that WWE now markets itself primarily to people half of that age so why they thought referencing that ancient rivalry would be a good idea I have no idea. Roddy then presented Lauper with a plaque acknowledging her work establishing Rock ‘n’ Wrestling (or something).

Slater got himself back into the mix, telling ‘Hotrod’ and Lauper that nobody cared about what happened between them years ago (a valid point in my opinion) and then starting his song again. Piper punched him and Lauper smashed her plaque over his head. The faces then laughed amongst themselves in the ring.

I think this segment would have been better used reintroducing Kharma to television. She could have destroyed the Divas’ champion, a (sort of) legendary female wrestler, and a woman who helped to launch the first WrestleMania and in one night established herself as the company’s most dominant female performer (which I admit isn’t really saying much right now). Alternatively Layla could have been booked to fight the returnee off or Beth Phoenix could have been booked to do a run-in and tackle Kharma herself in an attempt to set up a marketable Divas feud.

I understand why this didn’t happen (WWE wanted Lauper’s return to be a feelgood segment and she was there to promote a new record, not put over new talent) but bringing back Kharma would have helped the promotion prepare for the future.

A recap of AW’s shenanigans at No Way Out was shown. For those unaware he turned on his clients Epico and Primo and helped Darren Young and Titus O’Neil, the Prime Time Players, become the number one contenders to the WWE tag team titles. That guarantees Young and O’Neil a tag team title shot at some point and presumably makes Epico, Primo and Rosa Mendes good guys. Why not? With Rosa as their valet they should at least be assured a pop from crowds and they weren’t exactly doing anything interesting as heels.

For the record the Prime Time Players took a count out loss rather than try to beat E&P fairly.

A vignette was shown advertising the return of Chris Jericho on next week’s RAW. That ‘Y2J’s’ comeback is being advertised in advance makes me think he will be reintroduced as a babyface. The video included footage of a recent Fozzy performance in Britain. I spied a Brazilianflag in one of the crowd shots. That amused me.

John Laurinaitis, David Otunga and John Laurinaitis came to the ring for their match against John Cena. Before that match begun Show announced that he would not be participating and left the ring. What odd stipulations have been added to Show’s contract that allow him to refuse to wrestle? Surely wrestling when and where he’s told is his sole contractual obligation while being employed as a wrestler.

The match was the same sort of stuff we’ve seen from all three men before. Otunga eventually tired of the affair too, leaving Laurinaitis to tackle ‘The Leader of the CeNation’ alone. He took three AAs and then immediately tapped out to a sloppily applied STF. Teddy Long, who’d been sat at ringside doing absolutely nothing of worth, celebrated along with Cena as the show went off the air.

There were no worthy developments with regards to Money in the Bank, WWE’s next pay-per-view on July 15^th. World champion Sheamus currently seems to have no opponents lined up for the immediate future and the WWE title picture will apparently continue to revole around AJ for at least another month. The light at the end of the tunnel was the Triple H and Paul Heyman segment, which made it very clear that SummerSlam will be headlined by ‘The Game’ versus ‘The Pain’. Next week will need some time dedicated to Money in the Bank if WWE wants that event to be even a moderate success.

SmackTalk 15.06.12

You can tell when it’s the final week of TV before a pay-per-view because WWE load their opening segments with big stars and book confrontations between John Cena and whoever he’s currently feuding with. This week’s SmackDown was no exception: a fairly average show followed a rammed opening segment that featured not just one but two world champions, and was topped off with John Cena punching John Laurinaitis (who’s been feuding with since just after WrestleMania) in the face.

Personally I think a better approach would have been to announce Cena for SmackDown in advance (RAW would have been the most logical time)rather than pretending he was at home and was provoked into driving to the arena by what was said during Big Show’s promo. Cena could have opened up the show and the tag battle that kicked the night off could have been saved as the main event. That would have had the added bonus of the final scene form SmackDown being Ziggler celebrating his pin on World champ Sheamus.

The blue brand seems to have slowed a little over the last month. Damien Sandow and Ryback are still being booked consistently well and are getting promising responses from audiences but where’s Antonio Cesaro and why haven’t any other new stars been introduced? Cesaero enjoyed a good introduction to the main roster and had some solid matches but hasn’t been used much in recent weeks.

Similarly Cody Rhodes hasn’t been receiving much air time over the last few weeks. That’s more alarming than Cesaro’s absence as he has a match at Sunday’s No Way Out and should be someone WWE are looking to promote to the main event in the not too distant future.

That said SmackDown is still generally more entertaining than RAW. I can’t see that changing anytime soon. A third hour is not going to do the Monday night drama any favours at all.

A recap of RAW

Tweet 1: Recap of RAW. #Vincebump

Tweet 2: Vince makes a point of taking a bump or two every year. He thinks it makes "the boys" respect him.

Opening promo segment, featuring AJ, Vickie Guerrero, Dolph Ziggler, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan and Sheamus

Tweet 3: AJ opens the show. Let the insanity begin...

Tweet 4: The July PPV will feature AJ v Kane in a kiss match.
Tweet 5: Don’t ask me what a kiss match is.
Tweet 6: "I just wanted to say something before the show started" - AJ, at the start of the show
Tweet 7: Vickie Guerrero. This is promising…
Tweet 8: This is Ziggler's BEST mic work EVER!!
Tweet 9: CM Punk is now in the ring. Of the four people in the ring only AJ is a member of the SmackDown roster.
Tweet 10: Beautifully illustrates how the Brand Extension has been forgotten.
Tweet 11: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Tweet 12: YEEES!!
Tweet 13: Ahhh he didn’t do it. #heel
Tweet 14: Sheamus is sporting a lovely new T-shirt (that will fail to sell).
Tweet 15: That's the best SmackDown opening segment in months.

A lone tweet about another wrestling company

Tweet 16: Chris Sabin is the number one trend worldwide right now. I wish it were for a more positive reason. #injury #wrestlingfan

Dolph Ziggler and Daniel Bryan v Sheamus and CM Punk

Tweet 17: There are STILL "Yes!" chants to be heard.

Tweet 18: Booker T is pushing how good Ziggler and Swagger are as a team even though the plot is that Ziggler wants to get over as a singles star.
Tweet 19: Cole just mentioned Ziggler's World title reign was "a couple of years ago." It was February last year.
Tweet 20: "Zig Zag!" - Booker T as Dolph Ziggler went for the Fameasser
Tweet 21: Ziggler pins Sheamus in a desperate attempt to convince someone, somewhere that he stands a chance of winning the World title on Sunday.
Tweet 22: AJ takes a bump. Kane wanders out. I hope he goes mental and Tombstones her.
Tweet 23: Punk and Kane are now battlign over AJ. Why are Kane and AJ involved in what a feud between Punk and Bryan?
Tweet 24: It's worth pointing out that even though she's wearing a CM Punk T-shirt AJ is dressed in black and red (Kane colours).

Brodus Clay v Heath Slater

Tweet 25: Funkasaurus. It’s not old yet.

Tweet 26: I'd like to see Brodus Clay swim. I imagine it would be frightening and compelling in equal measure.
Tweet 27: Brodus is cutting a promo about being banned from RAW and not being allowed near Big Show. I don't care. I just want him to squash someone.
Tweet 28: … Then dance with some kids.
Tweet 29: Heath Slater should be billed as 'The Confederate Colonel.'

David Otunga attacks Brodus Clay

Tweet 30: I don't care why David Otunga's attacking Brodus Clay, I just care that he is.

Tweet 31: Otunga v Clay is a money feud.
Tweet 32: This is the No Way Out pre-show match and will be broadcast live on YouTube. This one segment is more than Layla v Phoenix have had...
Tweet 33: … and that’s on the pay-per-view.
Tweet 34: #Otungaflex

Beth Phoenix v Alicia Fox

Tweet 35: Maybe I spoke too soon. Layla is on commentary for a Phoenix v Alicia Fox match. It won't help...

Tweet 36: Phoenix beat Fox in under a minute. Second squash match in a row. Who's deciding the running order on this show?
Tweet 37: I was right: Otunga v Clay (a YouTube match) has had more build than Layla v Phoenix (a PPV match).

John Laurinaitis and Big Show promo

Tweet 38: John Laurinaitis just claimed he's the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations. He's not.

Tweet 39: What a compelling recap that was. It was perhaps even more enjoyable than the recap that started the show!
Tweet 40: "The most destructive force in WWE history"? Vince Russo?
Tweet 41: Big Show's promo has provided us with logical reasons for his heel turn.
Tweet 42: Now if only Laurinaitis could explain why he dislikes WWE's top star...

Big Show tells us all exactly why he turned heel. Just like he did on RAW...

Christian v Jack Swagger

Tweet 43: Christian versus Jack Swagger. Could be good.

Tweet 44: #victorylap
Tweet 45: What's with Swagger and these really high leg drops?
Tweet 46: Clean win for Christian via frog splash. Swagger is going nowhere fast.

Ryback v two jobbers

Tweet 47: UNLEASH THE RYBACK!!

Tweet 48: These jokes don’t scan…
Tweet 49: A "Ryback!" chant. That's a first.
Tweet 50: "Stupid." I LOL'd.
Tweet 51: This time next year Ryback will still be beating jobbers but he'll be doing it in eight-on-one matches.

Damien Sandow v Tyson Kidd

Tweet 52: Damien Sandow! It's about time!

Tweet 53: Where's Antonio Cesaro lately...?
Tweet 54: "Please remain silent when I'm speaking, thank you" - Damien Sandow
Tweet 55: Tyson Kidd. Now with added hair.
Tweet 56: The pose Sandow pulls when pinning people for the win is good, fun heel stuff.

Sandow connects with the match-winning neck breaker

Various backstage segments

Tweet 57: JOHN CENA IS ON SMACKDOWN!!

Tweet 58: I thought I'd tweet that in the overexcitable style of a WWE commentator.
Tweet 59: Now let's hear from David Otunga and Stephanie McMahon on why children shouldn't bully one another.
Tweet 60: "Seeing David Otunga was... shocking" - A child on seeing David Otunga

John Cena and John Laurinaitis in-ring confrontation

Tweet 61: "I'm sorry I'm late. I wasn't even supposed to be here" - John Cena with a typically stupid comment

Tweet 62: Cena, if you're going to hit him just get on with it.
Tweet 63: Cena punches Laurinaitis and then swaggers off. SmackDown ends. Good work getting the Be A Star campaign over there, Cena...

Don't forget No Way is this Sunday. My preview is available to read here.