The Steve Austin Show

For a long time after retiring from in-ring activity 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin struggled to find a new calling. He hung around in WWE for a few years in a variety of authority figure roles but it never felt quite right. As a wrestler one of his defining characteristics had been his anti-authority bent. Seeing him laying down the law felt odd. On top of that it was clear that Austin missed actually wrestling. He was fun in these roles but they were never truly Steve Austin.

Eventually he left those roles behind in favour of chasing acting work in Hollywood. The high point of that endeavour was his appearances as lead goon Paine in The Expendables. When it became clear that acting wasn't going to pan out for him as it did The Rock (or even Hulk Hogan), Austin took a sidestep into hosting. Specifically he headed up WWE's initial, pre-Network, revival of Tough Enough and Country Music Television's Redneck Island. When those were received well he launched a podcast and got himself another TV show, Broken Skull Challenge¹.

Austin looking massively unimpressed there. Great stuff.

A combination of Austin being a likeable host and having a mostly sensible, respectable view on the wrestling business made his podcast a success. That in turn lead to WWE offering Austin a slot on the Network to interview Vince McMahon on 1 December 2014. No official ratings are available for the Network but it's hard to imagine this didn't do well: it was Vince's first appearance on a podcast answering questions from someone he'd had a close working relationship with for a number of years. It clearly did well enough to make someone in WWE decide that it should be a frequent thing as Austin has since returned to interview Triple H, Paul Heyman, Paige, and Edge and Christian.

It's possible that reading that list one name stands out over the others. Paige is not the first person who springs to mind when you think of potential interviewees for 'The Rattlesnake'. The common belief is that she was an emergency replacement for Hulk Hogan, who had been revealed as a bit of a racist a week or so earlier. If we assume that Hogan was the initially scheduled guest² we end up with a list of top level talent who would have worked with Austin during his run as an active wrestler (with all but Heyman being around him at his peak).

With an impressive pedigree established for Austin's Network shows it will be interesting to see who else gets lined up as a guest. There are a number of names I'd like to see, with Eric Bischoff being at the top of the list. They have an interesting history together. An injured Austin was released from his WCW contract by a cost-cutting Bischoff and he went on, via some angry anti-WCW promos in ECW, to be the biggest star in wrestling. When Bischoff rocked up in WWE years later he would end up working closely with Austin. Any heat between them will have long since been resolved but it still be interesting to see the pair discuss Austin's WCW firing and their later working relationship.

Both Mick Foley and The Rock would also be good guests. They worked with Austin at his hottest. Foley was his first feud after winning the WWF championship at WrestleMania XIV and would go on to work as a transitional champion getting the strap from Austin to Triple H in summer 1999. These periods of work, along with the fact that Foley has known Austin since the early nineties, give Foley an insight into Austin's journey to the top and his behaviour while he was there that few others could have. It's unlikely Ausitn would bring up his difficult behaviour once he was established as a top star on his own show but Foley could allude to it. Even if he didn't they're two of the biggest stars of the Attitude Era who respect one another's work and it would be nice to see them reminiscing about their time on top.

This is podcast material right here.

The appeal with The Rock is slightly different. Both he and Austin have mentioned over the years that they didn't get on when they first met but they went on to have the defining rivalry of wrestling's hottest period. If their secret handshake-heavy appearances in recent years (see WrestleMania XXX) are anything to go by they're very good pals now. As with Foley a large part of the appeal is seeing the pair chatting about their work together, although it feels like there's more chance of Austin acknowledging his early dislike of 'The Great One' than of his '99 paranoia.

The Undertaker was also around Austin at the same time as Foley and Rock but as he's had a WWE career that's lasted for well over two decades it's safe to assume that, rather than his late nineties dealing with Austin, would be the focus. Austin's mentioned on previous shows, as well as his regular podcast, that he was unhappy that The Streak ended. Seeing him discuss that topic with 'The Phenom' could fill a substantial amount of time by itself, especially if they looked back on The Streak as a whole. Even leaving The Streak aside 'Taker's worked with such a wide variety of WWE names and had so many bizarre periods of his career (who doesn't want to see Austin discuss Ministry of Darkness era 'Taker or 'Big Evil' era 'Taker?) that he'd be a natural choice for guest. Though somehow I don't think we'll see this happen until 'The Dead Man' is ready to call it a day on his career. WWE are, rightfully, protective of the character's mystique and appearing on a podcast would be damaging to that.

As the breakout star of the last year or so Seth Rollins would be a cool interview. Even though he's only been on the main roster for less than three years 'The Future' has accomplished a lot. He participated in a revival of trios matches (which I'm convinced would prompt Austin to drop a Freebirds reference), had a cracking singles feud with Dean Ambrose in which they headlined a PPV over John Cena, and he won the WWE championship in a WrestleMania main event. He'll be on top of WWE for years to come and I'd like to see Austin passing on some pointers with that in mind.

Talk, Owens, talk.

A breakout star of lesser status right now is Kevin Owens. I think he'd be a good addition to the show's line-up because he's such a fan of Austin. He's spoken before about happening to run into Austin at an airport when he was first starting out as a wrestler, where Austin told him to never stop running his mouth. Anyone who's seen Owens wrestle knows that's advice he took on board and it's likely advice that ultimately helped him to get signed by WWE. Seeing the pair discuss that aspect of KO's act would be fun, as would Austin delving into Owens' other career influences and his status as one of WWE's hottest heels, and one of the few to have motives beyond being bad because they're bad. I'd also like to see Austin speak to someone who's been in NXT since it became the "hot brand" it currently is, and Owens fits the bill perfectly.

Perhaps a slightly odd choice would be Cesaro. Not because he doesn't have anything interesting to say (he does) but because he's not the big name that everyone else on this list is. Austin is an outspoken fan of 'The King of Swing' so it's easy to imagine him wanting to have him on the show to give him a platform to promote himself. On top of that Cesaro's had an interesting journey to WWE, winning a green card lottery and all, and always comes across as an affable, humble lad in interviews.

Finally, there's John Cena. He's one of only a handful of men to have ever been positioned as the centrepiece of WWE. Austin is one of the others. He's one of the few people who can understand the pressure of Cena's spot. He's a fan of Cena's work too, which seems to be the case for a lot of WWE veterans. I'd like to see him discuss Cena's ring work with Cena to see if his claims are genuine and, if they are, what it is he specifically enjoys. Plus the subject of the springboard Stunner could be fun.

***

¹ This sounds less painful than it is. Though, to be clear, it is still a very painful show for those who appear on it.

² For the record I think it's a real shame Hogan is now unlikely to ever appear on Austin's Network show. It would have been fascinating to see Austin and Hogan discuss Hogan's WCW politicking (which Austin believes held him down there), Austin's ECW parodies of Hogan, and which of them is the bigger, more important name in WWE history.

The Look Versus Charisma

Randall Keith Orton was booked to criticise indy darling Kevin Owens' physique earlier this week, mockingly asking if the former NXT champion had put on weight during a promo on RAW. It's true that KO is something of an anomaly on the WWE roster, not possessing shredded abs or twenty-four inch pythons (not that that particular breed of python is en vogue these days after recent... revelations). But is that such a bad thing? Owens is far from a slob and his look helps him to stand out. Being able to pass as a cover star for Muscle & Fitness isn't the be all and end all for wrestlers, despite beliefs to the contrary over at Titan Towers.

Massively out of shape apparently.

This is an old problem within WWE. So much so that it's not really worth me going into great detail on the back-story here. These are issues that have been documented elsewhere by people far more knowledgeable than me. The gist, for any newcomers to wrestling and WWE in particular, is that decision makers in The Business frequently opt to push guys based on their "look" (that is to say their general attractiveness and dedication to hitting the gym) as opposed to generally more sensible qualities like experience, aptitude and ability.

It's a tendency particularly associated with WWE and Vince McMahon. There are dozens of stories floating around online and in shoot interview DVDs (most of which are also, I realise, available online, but whatever) about Vince's love of signing muscled up dudes to big money contracts despite them having little or no wrestling experience. They range from the signings of duds like The Great Khali and Lex Luger to the debacle that was the World Bodybuilding Federation, a company Vince set up to showcase muscled lads doing a flex and that, funded by money from his wrestling promotion¹.

The drawing power of lads with big muscles is not great. Yeah, Hulk Hogan and, to a far lesser extent, Ultimate Warrior did well and were by any reasonable definition, body guys. But in both cases a substantial part of their attraction lay in their charisma. People paid to see them because they were larger than life characters, not because they had big muscles. Their looks were definitely a part of their charm, I'm not denying that. A Hogan promo delivered by a guy with the physique of Mr Bean would not work anywhere near as well as they were delivered by a six foot six pulsating mass of steroids. But there was more to them than being big.

There are far more failures than there are successes when it comes to body guys in wrestling. Lex Luger, Kevin Nash and Billy Gunn (even Orton himself, ultimately) all have enviable bodies but none have ever proven to be a draw, and all were given ample chances to be. Meanwhile guys like Mick Foley, Ric Flair and Kurt Angle, while all in good shape in their primes, didn't have megastar bodies yet were successful contributors to the success of their employers. Meanwhile the closest 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin, a guy I personally believe to be the single most important wrestler in WWE history, came to a six pack when he was in his prime was his post-match beer-swilling celebration.

"Yeah, I see your double jump moonsault and Swanton bomb. What else ya got?"

Look is important in wrestling. Having a good body is too, and it has the added bonus of ensuring that you're healthier and likelier to live longer. But there's not really any tangible correlation between having the proverbial million dollar body and being of great benefit to the company. On some level the people that run WWE know this. If they didn't then Cesaro, who is a great wrestler, a great promo, can speak five languages, is very, very strong, and is in amazing shape, would be headlining pay-per-views.

WWE is wrong to criticise Owens based on his look alone, and even more wrong to use Orton as the man to deliver the message. Owens has proven is talent again and again during recent years, including his time in WWE's own developmental territory. I've not seen 'The Viper' bust out many double jump moonsaults lately, despite being in such better shape. I'd rather look like the one time 'Mr Wrestling' and have his attitude and outlook on life than look like Randy Orton and think it's okay to defecate in people's bags and be a general under-achiever despite being given every opportunity to become The Man in WWE. And judging by the comment made during RAW WWE seems to think it's Orton, not Owens, who's the better role model.

***

¹ A running theme with Vince is that he routinely takes money from the one thing he's successful at, that being promoting pro wrestling, and diverts it into vanity projects designed to show that he is capable of succeeding at literally anything else. These have included the WBF, a film studio, and, perhaps most ludicrously, a football league. That none of these things have never succeeded to the point of being self-sustaining has taught Vince nothing².

² In fairness this is part of Vince's charm.

Vince Russo's Greatest Triumph

I was initially going to make this a Top Five Shows Booked by Vince Russo post. Then I started looking back on his body of work and it quickly became clear that wouldn't work. Russo's strength as a writer was in long-term storytelling and having something for everyone on the roster to do. His weakness was letting the act of actual wrestling be the focus of a show. Which has basically left us with a situation where there aren't many particularly good single shows booked by him.

"Cos it's a deadly game! Deadly game! Deadly game!"

The one time Russo managed to perfectly apply his approach to a pay-per-view was at the 1998 Survivor Series. That's the one, in case your wrestling lore is rusty, that featured a one night tournament (dubbed the Deadly Game tournament) to crown a new WWF champion. It allowed Russo to cram in everything he was good at and enjoyed, namely pushing the mid-card, constructing satisfying arcs for main event talents, and swerve developments, into one show, perfectly built to over the preceding months.

Part of the reason the show worked as well as it did (and holds up better than practically anything else Russo booked) was the build it had. After SummerSlam in August he and his writing partner Ed Ferrara set about repositioning key players in preparation for the story they knew they'd be telling at Survivors. Mankind became a sympathetic, comedic good guy. The Rock dropped the Nation of Domination (an albatross around his neck by SummerSlam anyway) and officially went face, dubbing himself 'The People's Champion'. Undertaker and Kane, who had been at loggerheads since Kane's debut the previous October, formed the first of many alliances and began pursuing WWF champion Steve Austin. Really, Austin was the only man not recast after SummerSlam. He remained the top babyface with the same agenda he'd always had: having the title and being a thorn in the side of Vince McMahon.

Vince was central to all of this. He butted heads with The Rock, based on his own hatred of "the people". He began manipulating Mankind, promising to make him his new "corporate" champion but clearly having little but disdain for him and using him simply as a tool in his wider plans. Which he did with Undertaker and Kane, of course, only they were presented as being intelligent enough to understand his schemes, playing along because it tied into their desire to be the champion. And, of course, his hatred of Austin was undiminished.

Through a typically Russo-esque convoluted sequence best summed up here as a double pin from the Brothers of Destruction, Austin was stripped of the WWF championship. An attempt to crown a new champion in a 'Taker v Kane match didn't work out because Vince (stupidly) made Austin the guest referee, leading the match to end with Austin attacking both competitors and declaring himself the winner. Vince's next plan to crown a champion was the Deadly Game tournament, bringing us back around to Vinnie Ru's greatest triumph.

The show featured a ludicrous fourteen matches (plus another four before the broadcast began) but was paced and structured so well that it avoided feeling bloated. Practically every match contributed something to the larger story of the show and the handful that didn't were either enjoyable enough to be overlooked (Shamrock v Goldust) or were short enough for it not to be an issue (Snow v Jarrett). The main characters were all placed in matches that advanced their own plots. Mankind found himself pitted against blatant ringer Duane Gill in the opening match (amusingly hyped up so much by Vince so as to deliberately mislead people into believing they' be seeing the injured Shawn Michaels), setting him and the audience up to believe that he truly was Vince's chosen one. Rock found himself pitted against Team Corporate henchmen in his first two matches and against Undertaker in his third, making it clear McMahon was doing everything in his power to keep him away from the final, and that the audience were right to believe in him because he overcame Vince's stacked odds.

Austin was ever so slightly an afterthought, odd considering he was the clear cut top star. He trounced Big Boss Man in his opening round match, received a bye in the second when nobody advanced to face him, and was double crossed in his semi-final match against Mankind. But this was all done for a reason. It allowed Rock and Mankind to close the show, helping to raise their status in the process. The double cross aspect of his semi-final loss was done to reunite Vince and Shane McMahon after Shane had been demoted to, in Vince's words, a lowly referee. It created a reason to further protract the McMahon-Austin rivalry to and neatly took 'Stone Cold' out of the title picture until WrestleMania.

Of course it's the main event that this show is, rightly, most remembered for. Mankind versus The Rock was a competitive match (although not as good as the work they'd do together over the months that followed) that played out with McMahon and his entourage at ringside. It was set up to make viewers believe that Mankind was Vince's choice for champion and Rock was the underdog fighting against all the odds. Not only did it make sense in its own right but it was a framing device designed to call back to the main event of the previous year's show. For anyone unfamiliar with that (not that I'd expect many bothering to read this far to be unfamiliar) the '97 Survivor Series had seen WWF champion Bret Hart defending against on-screen and real life arch rival Shawn Michaels, with it being (fairly) common knowledge that Hart was on his way out of the company and refusing to lose the belt to Michaels. The match ended with Michaels applying the Sharpshooter, Hart's own finishing hold, to Hart and Vince, who was uncharacteristically at ringside for the match, demanding the bell be rung and Michaels announced as the new champion.

That sequence, by November 1998, had become known as the Montreal Screwjob (because it was a screw job that took place in Montreal, obvs). It's something that's been played on a lot since, both by the WWF and others, but in late '98 it wasn't something that the WWF seemed reluctant to acknowledge or dwell it. That changed when Rock placed Mankind in the Sharpshooter and McMahon had the bell rung.

A successful swerve.

Russo and the rest of the WWF's creative types had had the genius idea of ending the show with a swerve turn, a reveal that The Rock and Vince had been in cahoots all along, Mankind a mere patsy in the chairman's villainous machinations. Russo has rightly been accused of booking too many swerve turns in his career but this one made complete sense and provided a neat payoff. Of course it was The Rock, with his movie star good looks and third generation status, that was Vince's chosen one, not the affable, slightly out of shape Mankind. Rock's victories over Corporate henchmen in the earlier rounds immediately made sense. His only real challenge all night had been his match against 'The Dead Man', and he'd won that after interference from Kane.

The show provided a great climax to story threads that had been present since SummerSlam and set up fresh ones that ran the company through to WrestleMania XV the following March. It was a pivotal show for the promotion creatively and showed just how good the Russo approach could be with the right conditions. He would never again produce anything this good. Certainly not enough to concoct a top five list.

Samoa Joe's Career Crossroads

Last week Samoa Joe announced that, after nine and a half years, he'd left TNA. He experienced both good and bad there. The good: the greatest match in company, a year and a half winning streak, and a significant amount of time spent as the company's hottest prospect. The bad: a lacklustre TNA world title reign, years of meaningless mid-card action, and stupid gimmick changes (like the time he became the Green Hornet or the time he painted his face and threatened people with a knife). He's leaving it all behind to work elsewhere. Considering most of the bad points have come after the good points, and that his relevance has been low for years, it's an understandable decision.

We're almost spoilt for choice when thinking about where Joe may go next. He could fashion himself a busy worldwide schedule cruising the variety of prominent indies that exist. He may have spoken to a Japanese promotion while negotiating with TNA. New Japan would be the most likely but NOAH and All Japan are just about plausible too. He could return to his old stomping ground of Ring of Honor. Or, of course, he could sign with WWE.

Seeing Joe in WWE has always seemed unlikely to me. He doesn't have than athletic body type and he's got a shining reputation outside of the company. These are things that have historically counted against prospective WWE signings. But the last few years have proven that's not necessarily the case anymore. Both CM Punk and Daniel Bryan were given multiple WWE championship reigns and joined the elite main event club. Perhaps even more noteworthy is that the men's division in NXT currently revolves around guys who joined WWE after being very successful elsewhere.  This includes Kevin Owens, another man who doesn't have the usual WWE look.

Something else in Joe's favour is that Mick Foley and Steve Austin have spoken up in favour of hiring him. Those are some significant endorsements. If we're to believe a story Foley relayed on his blog last week then Triple H is a fan of 'The Samoan Submission Machine' too. As the man in charge of hiring and firing he's the right name to impress. So, in short, I don't think Joe moving to WWE is that unlikely.

Although it would be more accurate to say I could see Joe in NXT. Vince McMahon remains in charge of WWE proper and Joe does not seem the sort of guy who'd impress him. But with Triple H having stated he wants to make NXT its own brand, even going so far as to say they'll be close to that vision come the end of the year, we could see him sign Joe without having any intention of ever seeing him progress to the main roster.

This would be beneficial to both parties. Joe would get to be one of the star attractions of NXT and have a long-term goal of proving his detractors wrong by earning a promotion to the main roster. WWE would have a guy who can draw fans on the scale NXT currently operates on (and will likely continue to operate on even if expansion occurs) and who can help less experienced performers learn. Viewers would benefit from seeing a bunch of fresh matches featuring everyone from Adrian Neville to Tyler Breeze. Joe would be a big deal for the NXT roster.

Future NXT champion?

For this to happen WWE would have to offer Joe enough cash to match what he could make travelling the world as a true independent contractor. Obviously they could afford to do this, but would they want to? As a highly regarded name Joe can demand and receive a fair chunk of change per appearance. By working for WWN, PWG, ROH, and various British and North American promotions Joe could easily bring in more than he was getting in TNA (which is likely why he left). It's tough to imagine WWE would be willing to pay a six figure sum to someone unlikely to progress beyond what is still technically their developmental division.

Personally I'll be happy watching Joe anywhere that's not TNA. He'd been stagnating there for years. He'd won everything and wrestled everyone. He was going nowhere as one of MVP's many lackeys. Wherever he ends up will be fresh surroundings with fresh challenges and fresh opponents. He could help ROH to solidify their grasp on the number two spot. He could become the latest guy to join up with WWN, adding to their momentum. Or he could go to WWE for a guaranteed top spot on NXT and the glimmer of a hint of a hope of a chance that one day, if Vince McMahon feels like it (or steps down as the man at the helm), he'll get promoted.

Vengeance 2006 review

The trouble with wrestling shows nowadays is that out and out stinkers are so rare. Most current shows from any company not named TNA are either acceptable with few or no standout performances or very good affairs with a number of memorable matches and storyline developments. And sometimes, when writing about a wrestling show, you don’t want that. You want something that pushes you to the limits of endurance and shows you just how bad wrestling can get.

There are two answers to this. The first is to review TNA shows. I imagine that in years to come a lot of people will enjoy looking back and analysing the nonsense TNA currently puts out. But to do it as the company’s still in existence isn’t something I want to do. Because it’s depressing that a major company can exist and be as poor as TNA in 2014. Not paying much attention to it is about the only defence I have against it.

The other answer is to look back at old shows that are notoriously bad. I decided to go for this one, but I wanted to watch something and be surprised by the matches that were taking place and the results that cropped up in them. That could have made picking something pretty tricky, because can you can’t gauge a show’s likely quality until you know what’s on it.

Thankfully WWE produced a lengthy run of dismal pay-per-views in the mid-00s. You can pick out pretty much anything at random from around 2003 until 2008 or so and be pretty much guaranteed a rock solid unenjoyable experience.

That’s what I decided to do, and I selected Vengeance. For no other reason that it was readily available to watch. It will differ from my reviews of current events only slightly, in that I’ll take a break after each match to discuss where the guys involved are now. So, let’s get to it.

We start, as always, with a video package. This one focused on John Cena's problems with the concept of ECW, Rob Van Dam's feud with Edge, and DX's war with Vince McMahon and his troupe of male cheerleaders. I'll discuss all of that as we get to it. All you need to know here is that in June 2006 Rob Van Dam was the WWE champion, Edge was coming into his own as a dickish heel who would do anything to stay on top, John Cena had been the most pushed top act for over a year and resentment over that was beginning to bubble away with more vocal crowds, and Triple H and Shawn Michaels were frequently involved in "hilarious" skits featuring spray paint, slime, midgets, bare buttocks, and Jonathan Coachman.

On commentary in Charlotte, North Carolina were Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. Immediately noticeable is how JR can make a show prominently featuring the Spirit Squad seem exciting.

The first guy to enter the arena was a pre-sleeves Randy Orton with his old Burn in My Light music and gold curtain pyro entrance pose. Fans of his in-ring turnbuckle pose needn't worry. That was an integral part of his act by this point. He was representing RAW against ECW's Kurt Angle. This was during the period where Angle's music was remixed so people didn't get the chance to chant "You suck!" (although they still gave it a shot). I thought that was a stupid decision at the time and I still think so now. That kind of audience chant should be embraced.

This makes the match look far more lively than it was.

At this point you're probably thinking "Wow! Angle versus Orton opening a pay-per-view, that's pretty promising!" And you're not wrong. It should be incredible. But it wasn't. It quickly became obvious that both men had entered the match as heels and neither seemed particularly liked by the fans. That meant that the match took a while to warm up, something not helped by a focus on slow mat wrestling for the first few minutes. With nobody knowing who to cheer for and neither wrestler willing to embrace the good guy role the match didn't come anywhere close to meeting its potential. I'm not especially knowledgeable about Orton v Angle matches but I wouldn't be surprised if this was their worst encounter. And just to top things off Lawler seemed dead set on making anti-ECW gags every thirty seconds.

Despite all of this the crowd were loud throughout the entire thing. And things came together for the closing sequence, which helped. Orton was trapped in an ankle lock for a bit before reversing out of it, driving Kurt into an exposed turnbuckle (ah, the exposed turnbuckle, it's a classic) and giving him an RKO for the win.

***

What they did next:

Randy Orton: He’s been up and down the card but he’s never been too far away from the top. Other than a few tattoos, taunt variations, and entrance rejigs Orton has remained unchanged.

Kurt Angle: 2006 is the year Angle went spectacularly off the rails. WWE released him on August 2006 because they were concerned over his physical well-being and didn’t think Angle was willing to take things easy for his own safety. Angle has claimed he asked for a release because he was unwilling to work hurt. So both sides agree on the reason, just not on the topic of whether Kurt jumped or was pushed.

We all know the basic Angle story from there. He joined TNA and immediately had a stellar feud with Samoa Joe. He spent several years flipping between good guy and bad guy as his body continued to deteriorate. Like, really badly deteriorate. To the point where he looked like a frail old man. He’s currently making noises about leaving TNA when his contract expires and returning to WWE for one final, glorious run. It’s currently unknown whether or not WWE would have any interest in him as a performer.

***

Backstage Vince McMahon was having one of those one-sided recap conversations that used to be so popular with WWE heels (and that have recently started to go out of style with behind the times TNA heels). He was telling someone about how the Spirit Squad would never forget DX dumping green slime on them on RAW. I'd like to imagine it was Linda and that it's how she and Vince communicate. Someone knocked on the door so Vince wrapped up his convo. You'd assume the person knocking would be a wrestler. Perhaps the Spirit Squad seeking advice before their match or a mid-carder like Charlie Haas asking for an ill-defined "opportunity". Or maybe DX, come to play more "hilarious" pranks on the boss.

It was none of them. It was a young lad in a wheelchair. Vince assumed it was a DX prank and referenced some of their comedy gold (including roosters, space aliens and corporate genitalia). Then he got angry and heeled the kid out of his office. A crash was heard, the implication being the kid was harmed. He wouldn't appear on the show again so we'll never know his fate.

Coach wandered in to make a poor segment worse. In 2006 Coach was regularly paired up with Vince for comedy segments like this one. Despite being routinely bad they held a certain appeal thanks to Coach's willingness to do and say pretty much anything and Vince's ability to perform funny facial expressions. Here Coach handed over a penis pump he'd found lying outside and revealed that the young kid in the wheelchair was a close family friend he'd invited to the show who considered Vince his idol. Sadly they didn't explain why a kid of about eight considered Vince McMahon his idol. That could have been excellent.

Match two featured another surprise mid-00s highlight: the combo of Umaga and Armando Alejandro Estrada. Umaga, a savage-inspired character who could only be controlled by Estrada, had debuted a few months earlier. The man behind the gimmick had previously been best known as Jamal, half of the sloppy but still underrated 3 Minute Warning tag team. He'd mostly been winning squash matches until this point. It was the Alexander Rusev push for 2006.

Umaga was facing Eugene. That's not a sentence anyone ever wants to read. Ever. Under any circumstances.

The monster that is Eugene, finally slain.

Because Umaga was unstoppable at this point and Eugene, well, was not unstoppable, Eugene had found himself some backup. While that was a sound idea all he'd been able to drum up was Jim Duggan, Doink the Clown (yeah really, Doink the clown in 2006) and Kamala (sadly without Kim Chee or Harvey Wippleman). And then a match happened. It was not pleasant. But it was quick. Umaga squashed Eugene with the Samoan spike (a thumb to the throat which, against all the odds, became an over finish). Just to illustrate how dangerous Umaga was he obliterated Duggan and Doink after the match. Estrada made him walk away from Kamala though. Which was absolutely the right call. A young upstart 33-year-old shouldn't be facing a legend like Kamala unless it's been advertised beforehand. You don't give a quality meeting like that away unannounced.

***

What they did next:

Eugene: By this point the Eugene character was on a downhill slide. As an adult with special needs he had been introduced as the nephew of Eric Bischoff in 2004 and quickly become insanely popular. He’d managed to stay relevant into 2005 but by this point crowds had become tired of him and it’s hard not to see why. He was a one note, exploitative character that had a limited shelf life. His future held an ill-conceived heel turn and contract termination.

Umaga: To this surprise of anyone who remembered his time as a member of 3 Minute Warning Umaga became a very reliable upper mid-card singles act. His undefeated streak would continue until the end of the year, at which point he would enter into a feud with Cena, which included a Last Man Standing meeting at the ’07 Royal Rumble which still stands as one of Cena’s greatest matches.

Umaga would also go on to win the Intercontinental championship and enjoy feuds with names such as Jeff Hardy, Batista and Triple H. Not bad for a guy who had been released in 2003 for being involved in a bar fight and generally not being very good. Umaga was granted a contract release in 2008 following a disputed Wellness Policy violation.

He died of a heart attack in December 2009.

***

Backstage Mick Foley spoke to Todd Grisham. This was during Foley’s infamous feud with Ric Flair. Basically, Fley and Flair didn’t like one another. As in they really didn’t like one another and had gotten into screaming matches backstage over things that they’d written about each other in their biographies. Foley had criticised Flair for being a poor boss and booker in WCW. Flair had labelled Foley a “glorified stunt man”, almost certainly as revenge for the cracks Foley had made about him. Both men had large egos and were not willing to back down.

For some reason somebody in WWE thought it would be a good idea to turn the real life hatred into a storyline. It’s a logic that had worked in wrestling many times before (I’ll give the lazy examples of Hart and Michaels’ feud and the fact that Austin and Rock really didn’t like each other when they started working together). The trouble was that Flair and Foley were both physically knackered. They both relied heavily on shortcuts and their opponents making them look good. Plus Foley had turned heel a few months before and had been doing his best work as a face for years at this point. And, y’know, Flair was pretty much one of the most natural heels ever. It was obvious from the start that match quality was going to be poor. Things only got worse when Foley and Flair started cutting insider promos on each other that only people who follow the inner workings of pro wrestling (which is a minority in WWE’s fan base) and things that had happened around a decade earlier. That this got televised shows you what sort of company WWE was during this period. Everything about it was a spectacular mess. But it remains incredibly watchable stuff because of just how low things got.

At Vengeance they were booked in a two-out-of-three falls match because Foley wanted to prove he was a wrestler and not a stunt artiste. Being held in Charlotte meant that Mick was going to definitely be playing the bad guy, a role I’ve already said he was ill-suited for at this point. Because North Carolina is Flair country. Woooooo!

First the factual stuff. Flair won two falls to none. He got the first fall off an inside cradle as Foley went for a figure four. Then Foley got disqualified when he used a trash can (or, if you will, a rubbish bin) while trapped in the hold himself.

Mr Sockoooooo... Nah doesn't work. Sorry.

The match was a mess. The promise that Foley would outwrestle Flair, which had been a significant part of the build-up was gleefully ignored. Which was disappointing because it could have been an interesting story: Foley actually managing to surprise 'Naitch' and push him to his limit, forcing him to pull out every cheat in his arsenal (which in Charlotte would have gotten a great reaction) would have been an interesting story that’s wasn’t (and isn’t) seen much in WWE. It's not actually that surprising though. I’ve already said both guys were passed their respective peaks and incapable of working a match without shortcuts (which here included a special Mr Socko designed to look like Flair). What we got was what both men were capable of in 2006.

Foley smashed 'The Nature Boy' with a barbed wire baseball bat after the decision. Flair bled. A lot. He was helped to the back but didn't really make out he was in any particular pain despite being drenched in his own blood. It came across as Flair wanting to prove he could play the hardcore hero better than Foley.

***

What they did next:

Mick Foley: He jumped to TNA and filled a variety of roles, including on-air authority figure and champion. He returned to WWE when he realised how terrible TNA was. He dressed up as Santa a few Christmases ago and acted as the GM of Saturday Morning Slam before it was unceremoniously cancelled. He spent the rest of his time making special appearances on RAWs and pay-per-views before letting his contract expire, opting not to re-sign because he felt he wasn’t being paid fairly for video game licensing.

Ric Flair: He joined Foley in TNA. He mostly worked as a manager there, representing guys as far apart on the quality scale as Gunner and AJ Styles. He wrestled a few times but the less said about that the better. The most noteworthy part of Flair’s TNA run, at least for the purposes of the show we’re talking about here, was that he resumed his rivalry with Foley. They were getting on better by then but both were older, so the match quality balanced out at around the same level.

Since his return to WWE last year Flair has made various appearances on pay-per-view expert panels, episodes of RAW and at the SummerSlam Axxess event. He was hammered at pretty much all of them. In fact he was so out of control at SummerSlam that Jim Ross was fired for failing to control him (yes, you read that correctly). Oh, and he also pulled the classic Flair trick of burying someone he disliked. In this case it was Daniel Bryan, the day before he was due to defeat John Cena for the WWE championship.

Basically, Ric Flair has continued to be Ric Flair. Woooooooooooo!!

***

This got pay-per-view time.

In the back Maria and Carlito discussed coolness and paradoxes. Then Torrie Wilson showed up in a bikini. Carlito held her puppies as she and Maria went off to rub baby oil on one another, something that was actually shown and given time on a pay-per-view. Carlito provided some commentary on that before his music hit. Things like this used to happen all the time. We didn't even question why Torrie was prepping for a photo shoot in the middle of a pay-per-view. It was a more naive time.

'Caribbean Cool's' match was a triple threat for the Intercontinental championship. His opponents were Johnny Nitro and champ Shelton Benjamin. Carlito was by this point a bland babyface. Nitro was still doing his red carpet entrance with Melina and was just starting out on the cheap heat route of blocking particularly revealing shots of his scantily clad girlfriend. Shelton Benjamin was probably even more bland than Carlito but was trying to hide it by wearing sunglasses and loud shirts to the ring.

What's most striking looking back at this match now is that the three all seemed like they were going to be something significant for WWE at one point or another and yet none of them managed it. They were victims of the mid-00s lax approach to star building. If these guys, as they were back then, debuted in today's system they'd stand a far better chance of being helped to the top, because while the current system is far from perfect it is at least structured to give new guys a chance at getting over. The quality of the match demonstrated they all could have achieved far more during this period had they been allowed to just go to the ring and wrestle their metaphorical socks off more frequently. They put on a great match and the crowd were into it. That sounds like an ideal second tier championship match to me.

Nitro won the championship (his first reign) off a Carlito back cracker on Shelton. The two losers looked upset while Nitro spent an she standing around grinning and posing at the top of the entrance ramp.

***

What they did next:

Shelton Benjamin: Independent circuit, Ring of Honor, and New Japan.

Carlito: Independent circuit and the WWC.

Johnny Nitro: Became John Morrison. Independent circuit, stand-up comedy, film directing, and continued dating Melina (which makes him the winner).

***

Backstage we found the Spirit Squad screaming at one another about destroying DX. Then Vince entered and joined in, because no young pups are out-hollering the boss. The Squad left so Vince had a look at the penis pump box Coach had handed him earlier. In a toile, which was probably for the best. Nobody needs to see that much of Vinnie Mac. An explosion was heard and then he came out with some green paint lightly dabbed on his face.

"That damned DX!" said Vince, like a character from a rubbish 70s sitcom. What would those crazy DX kids do next?!

Out at ringside Jerry Lawler said we'd just witnessed a booby-trapped penis pump. His laughter indicated that this was one of the most spectacular things that had ever happened to him.

A video package reminded us of RVD's Money in the Bank win and cash-in on Cena at the One Night Stand show. Van Dam won that match after interference from Edge. 'The Rated R Superstar' made an appearance on ECW's TV show to say he respected RVD and looked forward to tearing the house down with him. But then he speared him, because mid-00s Edge was full of dick moves like that. He also had boob job Lita at his side. There was a lot to like about him.

Edge cut a pre-match promo about how the Stanley Cup (a hockey award of some prestige) was won for North Carolina by Canadians, comparable to how he'd beaten Cena for 'Mr Monday Night'. Then he claimed he'd win the gold and have a live sex celebration afterwards. RVD didn't get to respond, but he was introduced simply as "the champion" by Lilian Garcia, which was something.

A rare excuse to put up a picture of RVD as WWE champion.

This match is not as well remembered as it deserves because of the reasons Van Dam would end up losing the title. It's famous for the reason why he lost it. A few weeks after the match RVD would test positive for a substance banned by WWE's Wellness Policy. If you're familiar with Van Dam's past you can probably hazard a guess as to what that substance was. That violation meant Rob had to be written off TV for thirty days. His reign as a double champion was cut short. The decision was made that he'd lose the WWE belt to Edge on the July 3 RAW. The next night he dropped the ECW strap to Big Show.

But we're concerned with Vengeance. The match the two men had here was excellent and showed that Edge had been sincere when he'd said he wanted to steal the show. They packed an incredible amount into their eighteen minutes: tonnes of counter wrestling, plenty of moonsaults, and a satisfying number of big bump spots. Particularly impressive moments included a sunset bomb to the floor from Edge to Van Dam, a cross body over the top rope down to the floor from RVD, an Edge power bomb onto the crowd barrier, and Edge countering the tumbling senton into a power slam. Plus all the usual spots you'd get from both, which is a fair few. The match stands as an example of why RVD originally became popular and why Edge made it as far as he did. Van Dam won a cracker of a match with the Five Star frog splash. Edge had speared a chair and knocked himself out seconds before.

***

What they did next:

Rob Van Dam: RVD was another guy who made a jump over to TNA. He was booked fairly well for a year or two, capturing the TNA world championship in decent storyline which quickly became a mess. Inevitably TNA lost interest in him and he drifted down into the mid-card. He left last year, after being given the X Division championship for literally no reason at all, and returned to WWE at Money in the Bank. He’s not done anything major yet and I don’t think he will. But at least he’s getting pay now. That’s nice for him.

Edge: Between 2006 and his unexpected in retirement in 2011 Edge became one of WWE’s premier talents. His list of accomplishments include multiple WWE and World Heavyweight championship reigns, being the de facto lead figure on SmackDown for years on end, and giving Undertaker one of his finest Streak matches ever. 2006 was the breakout year for ‘The Rated R Superstar’ and he would go from strength to strength.

***

Backstage ECW wrestlers such as Roadkill, Stevie Richards and Little Guido celebrated their boy's victory with alternating chants of ECW and RVD. Then Paul Heyman sauntered in and told the locker room that they'd be joined as lumberjacks by some RAW wrestlers. He acknowledged nobody liked the decision but said it was happening anyway. Why, if nobody liked it?

At this point I was beginning to get worried that the show hadn't been as comedically bad as I'd hoped. Then, as if to prove me wrong, Kane's music played. And this wasn't just any Kane match. This was the Kane versus imposter Kane match. This is the sort of storyline that has routinely been thrust at Glenn Jacobs throughout his fifteen plus years as Kane. Basically Kane's gimmick had by this point become that anything too lunatic to be done to the Undertaker could be done to him. At this point that list included the famed Katie Vick necrophilia angle, a feud with Matt Hardy over who to marry Lita, and a feud with Snitsky over an aborted child .

The match was not a pleasant experience, for a number of reasons. Drew Hankinson, the man now known as Doc Gallows in New Japan, was not very good at this point. Neither was Kane, although he was at least a known quantity audiences were willing to react to. The biggest problem was that fans were not interested in the Kane v Kane angle, amusing themselves with chants of "Boring!" and "Take the mask off!" instead of reacting to things as WWE wanted. It's hard to blame them. It was never clear what Fake Kane wanted, what Real Kane stood to lose, why anyone should care who won and who lost, or where the story was heading. As it turned out the fake won with a choke slam and the cover Real Kane used to do after performing a Tombstone.

***

What they did next:

Real Kane: Any insane wrestling idea you can think of. And a bunch you can’t.

Fake Kane: Became Festus, then Luke Gallows, then DOC, then Doc Gallows.

***

At this point you might be wondering what the official theme song of Vengeance 2006 was. Well I'll tell you, because it was plugged at this point of the show. It was Victim by Eighteen Visions. Jerry Lawlerp loved it, so you know it was good.

The Cena v Sabu video package reminded us of Cena's hard night at the second One Night Stand event and subsequent feud with ECW at large. That's a feud, just so you know, that included Cena decking Heyman, wrestling a match on RAW with Balls Mahoney and getting put through the announce desk by Sabu. There were loads of shots of all the ECW guys hanging around together during the video. That included Tommy Dreamer and Sandman: who had once had a lengthy feud that included Sandman pretending he was blind so that he could attack Dreamer with a cane. But they're BFFs now LOL!

JR put over how tough and dangerous Sabu is not by pointing out the scars that crisscross his body or discussing the ridiculous death matches he'd been a part of but by saying he "allegedly" glued his wounds up after matches. It didn't destroy the myth of Sabu or anything as melodramatic as that but it didn't do the match any favours. Most people watching wouldn't have had a clue who Sabu was or why he was a tougher opponent for Cena than, say, Tommy Dreamer. It would've been nice if Ross had done everything he could to put him over as a madman who'd take himself apart in order to beat Cena. But for whatever reason he couldn't be bothered or was directed not to.

The RAW lumberjacks are a fascinating insight into the roster of the time. Names such as Rob Conway, Trevor Murdoch, Garrison Cade and, perhaps the epitome of this era of the WWE mid-card, Gene Snitsky were on offer here. If that doesn't excite you on a so-bad-it's-good level there's something wrong with you.

'The Homicidal, Suicidal and Genocidal Freak'... and Sabu

The setup was a mess. Cena had been booked as a valiant face taking on an entire company. But this was the beginning of fandom's turn on Cena, which meant people had not rallied behind him as fully as expected. Meanwhile ECW, which had a rep as the underdog fed, had been booked as a bunch of heels against Cena but were also being launched as their own show, meaning many of them had also had thoroughly babyface moments. Just to thoroughly confuse things the RAW lumberjacks stationed at ringside by Vince, to even the odds, were all heels (with the possible exception of Charlie Haas). So Cena, who was becoming firmly established as an unbeatable face, was taking on a roster of underdog misfits and was backed up by bad guys. Or, to put it another way, John Cena was working a Sabu style match with Sabu surrounded by a bunch of jobbers.

As wacky stunt matches go it was pretty satisfying. Cena and Sabu lobbed chairs at each other, the triple jump offence got an airing, Cena took some Sandman cane shots, and Sabu was FUed out of the ring through a table. Cena won with the STF as the RAW guys held back the ECW guys. Yeah, Sabu tapped out, something he's known for disliking. JR did at least emphasise the rarity of a Sabu submission. That was something, but it could have meant slightly more if Sabu had been established we the embodiment of insanity before the match began.

Immediately after the match Cena wandered backstage and ran into RVD. They agreed to a title match on RAW. "Pack all you got, bro," were Cena's sage words of advice to Van Dam. He said stuff like that a fair amount back in 2006.

***

What they did next:

John Cena: For better or for worse he is still John Cena.

Sabu: Somehow managed to stay employed by WWE until May 2007, at which point he was released for unspecified reasons. He returned to working to working for smaller promotions and took some bookings in Mexico. The most significant thing I can remember Sabu doing since 2007 is facing Sami Callihan at a Dragon Gate USA (or possibly EVOLVE) show. Although he also made an appearance or two for TNA in 2010.

***

The pre-match video for DX v SS started out with Shawn Michaels' face being rubbed against Vince McMahon's bare backside. That's a fairly accurate snapshot of what RAW had been for a while at this point. Vince wanted to teach Shawn a lesson about not being disrespectful. So he roped in five cheerleaders and Triple H to rough him up. 'The Game' ended up turning face on his allies, refusing to smash his old pal's skull and instead jobbing out the Squad. Tripper was taken apart in a five-on-one handicap match, then Shawn Michaels returned the favour and made the save. The two officially reunited and embarked on a campaign of hilarity the likes of which WWE had never seen before. Everything was covered: Vince loves cocks gags, male stripograms, penis pumps, and graffitied magazine covers, it was all on offer.

Throw your hands up in the air and wave them around like you just don't care!

A five-on-two handicap match was inevitable. It was also a guaranteed way to bury five new talents. Not that the squad gimmick was destined for the top, but it could have been used to launch one or two guys into singles careers and another two into a tag team. But that wasn't a priority. The priority was relaunching DX as a nostalgia brand that could make periodic returns to WWE and bring in some merch sales.

More than any other PPV main event I can remember this one felt like a dark match that goes on after the end of RAW. The DX lads did their pre-match shtick and the audience went crazy for it. Then the Spirits came out to absolutely zero reaction. It should be noted that the Squad held the tag straps at this point. It gives you an idea of what sort of state the roster was in.

Had this been in the middle of the card it probably would have been fine. Completely forgettable, but inoffensive. Exactly what D-Generation X versus the Spirit Squad should be in other words. But it wasn't in the middle of the card it was the main event and as a main event it was not good. The psychology of the match was all off. Instead of worrying about the significant numbers advantage their opponents had Triple H and Michaels larked about and never seemed to be taking things seriously. That that hurt the Spirits' chances for advancement isn't the point. They weren't getting to the top under that gimmick anyway. The problem was that it made it hard to get into the match: if DX weren't taking a five-on-two situation seriously why should we? The finish saw Kenny take a pedigree and nicky take a sweet chin music for a double pin. Several minutes of posing then ensued before the broadcast finished.

***

What they did next

Triple H: Became Vince McMahon 2.0.

Shawn Michaels: Continued to be one of the best wrestlers ever. Then retired before he lost his touch.

This happened for a while.

Kenny: Finished up his feud with DX, returned to developmental and then returned to the main roster as Kenny Dykstra. Everyone thought he would be the member of the Spirit Squad that became a somebody. Everyone was wrong. Dykstra proved to be an athletic dude but didn’t have a good enough understanding of the character work pro wrestlers need to make it to the top to advance beyond the mid-card. He was outshone by…

Nicky: He became a caddy to Kerwin White then disappeared before returning as Dolph Ziggler. Maybe you’ve heard of him?

Mikey: He never received another crack at becoming a somebody in WWE. He was released in 2008. In 2010 he wangled himself a spot in Ring of Honor thanks to the reign of error instigated by Jim Cornette. He held onto his spot until 2013 before getting released. He now works mostly for Ohio Valley Wrestling. Presumably his work is enjoyed there.

Johnny: Um…

Mitch: … I’ve got nothing.

***

Final thoughts:

As mid-00s pay-per-views go this was nowhere near as bad as it could have been, or as bad as I was hoping for. Kane versus Kane and Foley versus Flair were bad but that was about it. The triple threat match and Edge v Van Dam were both great. The main event was more a peculiarity than an out and out failure. The Umaga v Eugene match avoided the bad bin by being about a minute and a half long and having Umaga destroy two other guys afterwards. Vengeance 2006 could have been a far worse affair than it was.

Next time I’ll try a SmackDown show. Those are the real stinkers.

Alternate Twilight

It’s not a secret that when Mick Foley went through his first retirement in 2000 he was not in the best of shape. It was a situation that worsened every time he returned to the ring. And he returned to the ring a lot. The most high profile instances were obviously with WWE. Between 2004 and 2007 he wrestled several matches for the promotion, the most notable probably being his street fight encounter with Randy Orton at Backlash ’04 and I Quit match with Ric Flair at SummerSlam ’07.

The latter was a horrible mess of a match. The reason for this stemmed from the real life dislike the two men had for one another, exacerbated by the Vince Russo-esque worked-shoot nature of their feud. Even though they’d both been around long enough to know better they each took statements made in promos (so basically things that were said to advance the story rather than reflect genuine feelings or emotions) personally and so the match was disastrous.

By contrast the street fight was very good. It probably helped that ‘The Hardcore Legend’ was facing a man younger and more athletic than Flair who had been taking better care of himself and was willing to work with Foley to get the match, himself, and Foley, over. While Foley wasn’t a passenger in that match I think Orton, then a hungry ‘Legend Killer’ eager to make a name for himself, did more to make the match memorable than Foley.

Mick’s time in TNA and ROH produced similarly mixed results. A relatively lengthy feud with Samoa Joe took place in Ring of Honor. The original plan was apparently for Foley and Joe to wrestle one another but it didn’t happen because Foley didn’t feel he was in good enough shape to wrestle what would have been a very physical match. It’s almost certainly one of the biggest missed opportunities in ROH history: a match pitting a legendary figure like Foley against then company figurehead Samoa Joe when he was at his peak would have sold a lot of DVDs.

This did not lead anywhere good

Despite being in worse shape than he’d been in when appearing for ROH Foley also wrestled for TNA. Many of his matches were forgettable tag and six man outings with and against the likes of AJ Styles, Sting, Billy ‘Cute Kip’ Gunn, and Devon. Probably the most memorable match of his TNA stint was another encounter with ‘The Nature Boy’. They were getting on better by then so the match flowed a little better, but both were older and in worse shape than during their WWE clash so it was another dud.

What’s frustrating is that after Foley entered semi-retirement in 2000 he appeared for companies other than WWE while they were popular and he retained his characteristic attitude of trying to help and raise the profile of everyone he interacted with. Had he taken better care of himself and focused on keeping his waistline trim (or as close to trim as he ever was) he could have had that ROH match with Samoa Joe and he could have represented himself better in his TNA outings. Perhaps WWE and TNA would have been more inclined to use him for singles matches and we’d have seen him take on guys like John Morrison, AJ Styles and CM Punk in matches worthy of his status.

We’ll never know for sure how different the last decade and a half could have been for Mick Foley. But I think it could have been significantly better. With a bit of work he could have had the final send-off he deserved.

Pitch Perfect

The longer we wait the less likely the WWE Network seems to become.

They’ve experimented with creating new, not-entirely-wrestling-themed content for their YouTube channel over the last year or so and had a mixture of hits and misses. The Dolph Ziggler fronted Download was routinely excellent for example, while Foreign Exchange and Are You Serious? both had their moments too.

Like I say there were misses too. It’s generally considered that Zack Ryder’s show took hit a quality slump after being forcibly switched to WWE’s channel. You can’t win them all.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking recently that part of the reason for the holdup may be due to a lack of quality content ideas rather than just setup troubles. I’ve compiled a list of ideas below. WWE, you’re free to broadcast whatever you want.

Cooking with Ryback: Ryback bursts into the homes of unsuspecting contestants bellowing "Feed me more!" at the top of his voice and smashing furniture, not leaving until he has been appeased with a banquet served to him by the owners of the house. It should have the general air of a particularly bad segment from Noel's House Party, only stretched out for far longer.

You be the Judge: Friends and family members with long-standing disputes enter a mock courtroom and explain their grievances to Mick Foley (who's kitted out in judge's garb). 'The Hardcore Legend' then makes a ruling which all involved have signed legal documents to adhere to, shouting "That's hardcore, and now it's the law! Bang bang!" immediately after every proclamation. Videos are shown the following week recounting how those involved have found living according to Foley's ruling.

Greenwich Street: A learn-to-read and -count show in the style of Sesame Street, fronted by Triple H. The weekly number and letter are always three and H.

Spot the Difference: A series in which Jim Ross tries to tell the difference between any two people related to one another or who just look vaguely alike, stemming from his inability to tell Matt and Jeff Hardy apart. He never manages it.

T Time: Booker T reviews teas from around the world in his uniquely overblown play-by-play style, exhuming old catchphrases as he goes. Damien Sandow has a recurring role as a Voice of Reason.

Grooming Tips with Cody Rhodes: Cody Rhodes revives his old grooming tips segment, poorly reformatted into a half hour broadcast.

Travels with Cena: John Cena visits various landmarks, cities and countries around the world and bellows "The champ is here!" into the camera. It is nothing but this for an hour.

Being The Chosen One: Documentary series following WWE's resident 'Chosen One' Drew McIntyre. Offering in-depth interviews in which Drew opens up about going from being one of the company's hottest rising stars to arguably the least interesting member of 3MB who has to watch his mediocre ex-wife enjoying a more high profile spot in TNA.

Perspex Appreciation TV: Jinder Mahal hosts a nightly show looking at the different kinds of Perspex and all its various uses. Each episode begins with him reverently placing his turban into his Perspex Box™.

Knee Status Theatre: Drama series about the status of Rey Mysterio's perpetually injured knees. Stars Mysterio. Dr Shelby features in a supporting role as a psychiatrist Mysterio visits because he's glum about his hurty knees. Series finale sees Mysterio finally getting surgery, performed by the doctor that delivered Mae Young's plastic hand baby.

 

Give this guy his own Spanish language soap opera

 

Khali Karaoke: Three hours of non-stop singing from The Great Khali. This can include theme shows where he specialises in one artist or genre. I think we all want to hear Khali's rendition of Frank Sinatra’s My Way.

Stardust: Sitcom in which Dolph Ziggler and Goldust share a flat (or, as they’re American, an apartment) and both believe themselves to be Ziggy Stardust. Big E Langston has a recurring role as Biggy Stardust.

Titan Towers: Soap opera set in and around WWE's headquarters. The McMahon's would naturally feature prominently.

On the Sofa with Brodus: A late night chat show hosted by Brodus Clay. Sweet T, the Funkadactyls, and Brodus’s momma all feature as recurring characters.

Border Force: Jack Swagger revives JBL's old gimmick of patrolling the Mexican border to keep illegal immigrants out of his beloved United States. Hilarity ensues.

Snog, Marry, Avoid: Americanised remake of the questionably popular BBC Three show. Presented by Jerry Lawler. 'The King' gives his verdict on every contestant and never chooses avoid. Following every successful makeover a clip is played of Ron Simmons saying "Damn!"

Can Big Show Punch That?: A series in which viewers write in suggesting things for Big Show to punch. Big Show is then shown punching the objects, people, places or abstract concepts requested.

Otunga Law: Viewers tweet, Tout, email and write in with legal problems for celebrated lawyer, occasional wrestler and bodybuilding aficionado David Otunga. The former Nexus member dispenses advice with a wry smile and an occasional wink. He ends every episode with a prayer.

Tales of Grandpappy: Sheamus travels around North America visiting nurseries and elementary schools to regale children with (almost certainly fictional) stories of his (almost certainly fictional) grandfather. None of the kids enjoy his inane ramblings, causing 'The Celtic Warrior' to end every episode by Brogue kicking one of them.