All those old
wrestling shows. So little time. Let’s jump into the hypothetical time machine
and take a trip back to watch an old show with fresh, modern eyes…
This time we’re going back to the very start of 2005 and the
first of WWE’s three New Year’s Revolution events. None of them were much good.
The most notable thing about them is that the first two hosted Elimination
Chamber matches, which would ultimately lead to WWE foolishly deciding that the
first quarter of the year should always feature that gimmick. Oh, and the 2006
show featured Edge winning his first WWE championship. But we’re stuck a year
earlier than that, with Eric Bischoff still very much in charge of his own RAW
roster, Kane and Lita bafflingly being in a relationship, Randy Orton playing
the plucky young babyface, and Muhammad Hassan and Eugene being things
wrestling fans had to deal with.
All set? Let’s begin…
Opening video
This was an odd one by WWE standards. It saw Eric
Bischoff stood in the ring with the Elimination Chamber cage set up around him
talking about how vicious the match is. Perhaps to illustrate his point (but
perhaps for some other, undisclosed reason) he would occasionally smack the
cage with a steel pipe. This was interspersed with shots from previous Chamber bouts,
supposed construction of the Chamber itself, and the double finish triple
threat match that resulted in the vacating of the World Heavyweight
championship and the Chamber match headlining this card.
World tag team
championship: William Regal and Eugene (c) v Christian and Tyson Tomko
Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcomed us into the Coliseo de
Puerto Rico in San Juan, Puerto Rico for what I believe is the only WWE
pay-per-view to not be held in the United States or Canada since SummerSlam
1992. But that possibly inaccurate fact paled in comparison to Ross and Lawler being
stationed next to the entranceway, something I’d completely forgotten about.
This was one of those moves Vince made in the 2000s that was either designed to
freshen up the product (y’know because wrestling fans are all about where the
commentary desk is put in an arena) or annoy JR. It definitely achieved the
latter, whether that was the intent or not. Ross was always quick to say that
he hated being away from the ring.
I think an explanation of Eugene is probably necessary
because it’s possible some (lucky) people reading this won’t be familiar with
the character. He was originally introduced as Eric Bischoff’s nephew suffering
with serious learning disabilities. He was played by the mentally able Nick
Dinsmore, a man who’d toiled away in the company’s developmental system for
years and presumably agreed to play the character because he was
(understandably) desperate for his chance to become a Superstar™.
On the surface introducing a character with learning
disabilities was a progressive move for a wrestling company. The initial
introduction was good and Dinsmore’s portrayal was believable and sympathetic
enough for Eugene to catch on and become surprisingly popular (the lack of
fresh stars and the product’s general sense of staleness may have been additional
contributing factors). But WWE, being WWE, had to get it wrong eventually.
Eugene got mixed up with lead heel faction Evolution, which led to him being
exposed as the out of his depth mid-card character he was always going to be.
After that he was shunted into a tag team with William
Regal. It was not only a more appropriate placing on the card but also a more
appropriate role in general. Regal made an excellent straight man for Eugene’s
exuberant antics. They became one of the few decent teams WWE had throughout
the entire decade.
That’s the point we’re at now. In the future WWE would
make the bewildering decision to turn Eugene heel (having a mentally challenged
character that audiences are encouraged to boo is never going to be a good
move) and the decidedly less bewildering decision to drop him further down the
card when his popularity inevitably waned. Ultimately he would be released,
make a very brief return (as Eugene) in 2013, and then be hired as a trainer in
2013 (a role he was coincidentally fired from this week). But that’s all in the
future. At NYR 2005 Eugene was still employed and very, very popular for some
reason I’ve never been able to work out.
The match started with Eugene emulating Hogan’s posing
and JYD's headbutts. He also cocked his leg to emulate urinating on a downed
Christian. The crowd went mad for that. Eugene was isolated for a few minutes
but managed to tag in Regal (to absolute silence) after Hulking up. Then it was
Regal’s turn to get isolated, which made more sense as Eugene was the more
popular of the pair.
The crowd exploded when Eugene finally tagged back in. He
did a fiery clean-up on the heels before (legitimately) hurting his knee due to
overexcitement. The match ended shortly afterwards, Eugene getting the pin via
Owen Hart SummerSlam '97 rollup. The match clearly ended a little before it was
meant to because of the injury. Eugene was helped to the back by medical
personnel.
Poolside with the
Divas
Christy Hemme wandered around the pool. She stopped to
hand a towel to some random dude and got leered at in return. She seemed to
enjoy it. Because the PG rating hadn’t been introduced at this point ‘King’ was
in full-on ‘King’ mode, commenting that he loved Christy taking the twins out.
It was the first of many such videos.
Edge, Christian
and Tyson Tomko chat backstage
Edge and Christian, while both heels, were not aligned
with one another at this point. Which was a nice touch. It makes things seem
more believable when heels have problems with other heels based on previous
feuds. Edge told Christian he had an idea that would see Christian win the WHC.
They walked off, presumably to discuss Edge’s plan in more detail away from the
camera crew.
Women's
championship: Lita (c) v Trish Stratus
The match was preceded by a video getting everyone up to
speed. Lita had gotten pregnant by Kane and lost the baby after Kane fell on
her in the ring. Trish made fun of her
for this, first laughing about her getting fat due to pregnancy and then about
her losing the baby. Which really goes beyond heel heat into the realms of
Trish’s character just being awful. Her villainous side was not served well by
the writing team.
This pregnancy stuff demonstrates a few things. First of
all, it’s not just Vince Russo who writes pregnancy and miscarriage angles for
this company. Secondly, WWE was quite happy to use something that would only
ever be a tragedy in real life to fuel what was meant to be escapist TV programming.
Lita v Trish was the first of two matches on the show that came from this
dreadful angle. That we no longer get storylines like is a reason to be in the
favour of the PG rating.
 |
| This was Trish's sixth women's title win. |
The match was pretty quick. Trish was thrown out of the
ring and Lita tweaked her knee performing a Thesz Press off the apron. Trish
worked the knee for a few minutes in the ring and then pinned Lita after a
Chick Kick. It wasn’t as obvious whether or not the injury here was real, but
it seemed it. Whatever the case, the match was not up to the standards of the
pairs’ reputations. It was basic and lasted less than four minutes.
Chris Jericho gets
ready
That’s it. A shot of Chris Jericho preparing for the main
event. JR mentioned him being the first ever undisputed champion in an attempt
to make it seem like Jericho had a chance at heading into WrestleMania Season
as the champ. He didn’t and everyone knew it.
Poolside with the
Divas again
Maria got undressed and sat on a sunbed. Jerry said he didn’t
know what he was doing while this was filmed but he was pleased the cameras
were there to catch it.
Edge, Christian,
Tyson Tomko and Eric Bischoff chat backstage
Edge told Bisch that he wanted a World title match but didn’t
want it with Shawn Michaels as the guest referee. The future ‘Rated R
Superstar’ had convinced himself Michaels would screw him out of the gold
(because they were feuding at this point). He suggested putting Christian in the
Chamber match in his place, with the winner defending the title against Edge on
RAW. Bischoff said no to the proposed changes and, perhaps channelling the 2014
model Batista, told E&C to deal with it.
Edge stormed out of the office and ran into Michaels in
the corridor. Michaels said he planned to call the match fairly but that he'd
have to react if physically provoked. He did say he'd like to count Edge’s
shoulders down though. Which didn’t exactly sound unbiased.
Intercontinental
championship: Shelton Benjamin (c) v Maven
Maven had pinned Benjamin in a six man tag match to earn
the title shot. Back then a champion being pinned in a non-title match was
still enough of a reason for a title match to happen. RAW would be a much
easier watch these days if basics like that were still the case.
 |
| Proof that WWE could have gimmicked Maven up. |
The match lasted a little over six minutes but most of
that was house show-level stalling from Maven. He hugged the ropes to escape
Benjamin’s formidable amateur background then left the ring to stand on a chair
and cut a promo on the crowd. Why didn’t he get counted out? Because he told
the referee not to count and the referee obliged. And people think HBK’s a
biased official!
Maven basically spent about three minutes telling the
crowd to be quiet so he could concentrate. He also pretended he couldn’t speak
Spanish then revealed that he could (or at least knew a token phrase). Then he
faked a walk out, dashed back into the ring, and got rolled up and pinned with
an immediate schoolboy by the champion.
Maven said the loss didn't count and demanded an
immediate rematch. So that led to…
Intercontinental
championship: Shelton Benjamin (c) v Maven... the long-awaited rematch
Shelton returned, hit a T-Bone suplex and pinned Maven
again. The entire sequence seemed designed to kill time in the most
unsatisfying fashion possible.
Poolside with the
Divas yet again
A woman (who on closer inspection turned out to be
Candice Michelle) rubbed lotion into Christy Hemme's back. Jerry didn’t say
anything particularly noteworthy, possibly because he’d left the announce desk
by this point.
Chris Benoit gets
ready
Chris Benoit did some press-ups. JR said he wanted to
regain the title and referenced WrestleMania XX. That was it.
Todd Grisham
interviews Daivari and Muhammad Hassan
After a recap of JR being choked (like a government
mule?) by Hassan and Daviri, Todd Grisham asked an instantly forgettable
generic question of the heels. Hassan said it was typical of the American media
(which I think meant WWE’s production team) to cut out Lawler calling him an
idiot and only show the aftermath. Grish asked if he was nervous for his PPV
debut. Hassan said he wasn't and then chatted about Puerto Rico's populace
being second class citizens. He also crammed in a line about his own personal
revolution. Because that's the name of the show!
For those who don’t remember, Muhammad Hassan was in many
ways the other side of the Eugene coin. He was just as much a product of
exploitation but he was a vicious heel rather than a (supposedly) endearing
babyface. In this case the aspect of reality being exploited was the West’s
cultural clash with the Middle East. Hassan would cut promos about being held
back because of his ethnicity and make veiled comments about whatever North
American city he was in being prejudiced against him. Because he was a heel he
wasn’t allowed to touch on these issues without making it clear that he himself
was prejudiced against the West, because that’s the way WWE operates.
It was a far more unpleasant character than Eugene, for
obvious reasons. Hassan would eventually disappear from TV later in the year
after UPN (the channel which aired SmackDown) pressured WWE into not using him
after a controversial segment in which Hassan summoned men in ski masks to
choke The Undertaker with piano wire before carrying him out of the arena
(taped days before the London bombings). Daivari disappeared too, but would
return later in the year to manage Kurt Angle.
Muhammad Hassan v
Jerry 'The King' Lawler
JR left commentary to accompany Lawler to ringside. That
left us with no commentary, which was a peculiar production decision.
Especially when Todd Grisham had been shown backstage and Jonathan Coachman
would commentate on the show from the next match onwards. Perhaps it was an
experiment by WWE to see they could cut costs and operate without announcers.
It was a basic match with the obvious heavy influence
from Memphis. For example, fair early on Lawler “had the match won” with a
rollup but the ref was busy reapplying a turnbuckle pad. There was also the
obligatory pulling down of the strap to signify that ‘King’ meant business.
Hassan put on the camel clutch twice but Jerry wouldn't
quit. The crowd changed boring after the second application. Hassan's response
was a sleeper. Jerry made a comeback and hit a drop kick and his punch from the
second rope but Hassan, not being a jobber from the 1970s, kicked out. Lawler DDTed
him but Daiviri put his man’s foot on the ropes to break the count. Jerry
chased Daivari around ringside and then, with a little help from scary ol’ Jim
Ross, into the ring. But he didn’t get his hands on him. Instead Hassan caught him
with the Flatliner for the three count.
Todd Grisham
interviews Batista
Batista told Grisham that he was a wrecking machine and
his chances in the chamber were “great.” Then Orton appeared and asked if
Batista would try to win the title or be 'The Game's' stooge. Batista said he'd
take his chance to become WHC.
Fun at the
commentary desk
Coach strolled out and joined JR on commentary. He didn’t
reveal why he hadn’t done this twenty minutes earlier. Instead he told Ross
that he and ‘King’ sucked and that everyone in Puerto Rico loved him. Because
Coach was a heel who said stuff like that at this point.
Snitky v Kane
This started with a recap. Snitsky had hit Kane with a
chair. Kane had fallen on Lita. Lita had had a miscarriage. Kane had sworn
revenge on Snitsky. Snitsky had launched his wildly popular “It wasn’t my
fault!” catchphrase in reference to said miscarriage and put Kane out of
action. Kane had returned, still angry with Snitsky. Eric Bischoff booked the
pair in this match.
 |
| This pretty much sums up the entire Snitsky-Kane-Lita saga. |
The most exciting thing about the match was Snitsky's
music starting with his catchphrase. There were lots of punches and lots of
kicks. There was also a fairly unnecessary exposed concrete spot. Kane won with
a Tombstone, which is pretty solid evidence that WWE were keen to get the feud
and Snitsky over: ‘The Big Red Machine’ only ever busted out that move to put
away major threats.
Snitters never got over, but it wasn’t for a lack of
trying. He had a job until December 2008. Which is astonishing when you stop
and think about it. He was truly, truly abysmal.
Poolside with the
Divas IV: Citizens on Patrol
Stacey Keibler got off a sunbed and into the pool. Maria's
footage was replayed. So was Christy’s. "I'm the breast - I mean best - at
putting on tanning lotion,” said J-Lawl as we got another look at Candice
rubbing her hands all over Christy.
Simon Dean appeared, drinking from a pineapple. JR
instantly called him a party pooper. Seconds later Dean proved him right when
he pushed a random lad into the pool. The girls were joined in the pool by
Rosey, The Hurricane, Rob Conway and Val Venis for a “chicken fight” (the girls
were put on the guys’ shoulders and tried to shove one another into the water).
This “fun” ended when Christy pulled off Maria's top then pushed her into the
pool. Coach said Maria was the winner. Lawler said we were all winners.
Recap video
explaining why the World Heavyweight championship was vacated
Reigning champion Triple H defended the title in a triple
threat match against Benoit and Edge. That ended when Edge reversed the
Crippler Crossface into a pinning predicament but then tapped out just as the final count was made on
Benoit’s shoulders. This prompted a return from Vince McMahon a week or two
later (there have been so many Vince sabbaticals that I have no idea which one
this was), who declared that GM Eric Bischoff would have to decide the title’s
fate. Which presumably would have been a part the GM role anyway, but whatever.
Even though the finish made it fairly clear that either
Benoit or Edge were the rightful champion Bisch decided the fairest thing to do
would be to crown a new champion inside the Elimination Chamber, essentially
muddying the waters by adding three names that definitely had no claim to being the World champ.
At the time this all happened I remember thinking that it
was just an overly elaborate way of increasing the number of world title reigns
for Triple H. Nine years later I still feel the same way.
Inside Evolution’s
dressing room
H3 demanded to know why Batista said he'd go for the
title. Big Dave clarified, saying he was an Evolution guy and that he had
Triple H's back but that he'd go for the gold if Trips was eliminated before he
got in. Flair and Triple H did not appreciate the final comment.
Eric Bischoff
in-ring promo
Bisch strutted out to tell everyone the Chamber was one
of his greatest creations and to remind that a new champion would be crowned.
He finished by welcoming the crowd. That this promo happened at all was weird.
That it happened before the main event and ended
with Bischoff welcoming the crowd was even weirder.
World Heavyweight
championship Elimination Chamber: Triple H v Chris Benoit v Randy Orton v Chris
Jericho v Batista v Edge
The introductions took an age but the crowd were hot for
everyone, which helped a lot. In terms of talent and name value I expected it
to be one of the best Chamber matches ever.
Jericho and Benoit started things off with a compelling
bit of technical wrestling. Tripper was the second man to enter. He immediately
worked over both guys, throwing them out onto the steel. Benoit took the
opportunity to blade.
Jericho back dropped Trips onto the steel and suplexed
him back into the ring, then got back into it with Benoit as the next countdown
rang out. Edge entered, spearing Jericho and DDTing Triple H for a two count.
Out on the steel he blocked a pedigree and catapulted 'The Game' into the chains.
 |
| Batista's face... |
Orton came in fifth and launched into his plucky babyface
routine on Triple H. I feel compelled to point out that Orton was only
twenty-four at this point. The crowd chanted for an RKO and got one when Orty
came up against Jericho. A second attempt on Benoit was turned into a Crippler
Crossface, which also met with the crowd’s approval. Triple H taunted Orton
while he was in the hold so Benoit released it and put Trips in the
Sharpshooter. Orton then recovered and floored Benoit with an RKO.
Edge went for a spear on Orton but Orton moved and Edge
ran through Michaels. Moments later he got Orton with the move, but Michaels
was still down and unable to make the count. Edge got in his face so Michaels
super kicked him. Jericho took the opportunity to give Edge a Lionsault, which
was enough to get him the pin and give us our first elimination. Aside from the
closing moments this was the only sequence Michaels was involved in.
Benoit suplexed Trips after a Pedigree on Jericho, then
followed up with a diving headbutt. The Canadians locked in dual submissions on
‘The Game’ as the final countdown kicked in and – ahem – ‘The Animal’ was
unleashed. Batista leapt over the top rope into the ring to save his
stablemate. He blasted through both Canadians and Orton then came face to face
with Triple H. The other three men recovered and attacked before anything could
happen. The tease was well received. It was one of many WWE employed on the
path to convincing themselves Triple H v Batista was the direction to take for
WrestleMania.
Benoit was eliminated next, falling to a spinebuster from
Batista. Jericho fell to a Batista bomb soon after. That left just the two
Evolution boys with their former teammate. It was a logical final three
considering the history, but the crowd had seemed more invested in Jericho and
Benoit.
H3 and 'The Animal' ganged up on Orton. ‘The Legend
Killer’ kicked out of a Batista power slam, a Triple H spinebuster and a
barrage of punches before firing up for a comeback. He floored Batista with an
RKO and Triple H, thinking quickly, opted not to make the save. That was
another sign: ‘The Cerebral Assassin’ didn’t want to be left alone with the
powerhouse.
Orty and Trips had an energetic tussle. Triple H ate an
RKO but Michaels was distracted by Flair trying to get into the cage, letting
Batista, who still hadn’t exited, wallop Orton with a clothesline. Tripper
hauled up Orton, giving him the highest wedgie in WWE main event history in the
process, and smashed him with the match-winning Pedigree.
Evolution celebrated as the commentary gang talked up the
bout and Triple H's tenth world title win.
Final thoughts
 |
| Further evidence this was all about title reigns. |
I remembered this show for the main event but I wasn’t
aware until rewatching it how little else there was on offer. It could have
been far better than it was. Obviously Snitsky v Kane and Hassan v Lawler
weren’t going to amount to much and the opener was about as good as it could
get (injury aside) but the Intercontinental and women’s title matches could
have been far better. The former was nothing but stalling. In total they had
about eight minutes of ring time available. That was enough to have had a solid
match. The women’s match might have been hampered by an injury. But if it
wasn’t that was another let-down. Given four more minutes they could have had a
very enjoyable bout.
The main event was worthwhile though. It actually
provides a logical reason for why Batista and Orton got to the top in the first
place: both pulled their weight here at a time when they were the junior
members of the main event crew. I wouldn’t say it’s the best Chamber match
ever, but that’s at least partly because Chambers matches don’t stick with me
as much as Hell in a Cell and other big gimmick matches too. It was very good
and worth checking out, and saved New Year’s Revolution from being the dreadful
misfire it could have been.
That said, it could have worked just as well had Triple H’s
title reign not been interrupted. There was no need for that beyond him hitting
double figures.
