The Part Time Squad

WWE’s reliance on the stars of the past has been well documented over the last several years. The Rock’s return at WrestleMania XXVII and matches at XXVIII and XXIX drew scorn from some. Triple H and Undertaker taking an annual ‘Mania spot has also failed to go down well with everyone. And guys like Chris Jericho, Batista and Hulk Hogan have also returned in one form or another, to a variety of reactions.

There could be said to be broadly two views on this. The first would be that the returning stars help to attract viewers who wouldn’t otherwise be interested and that their participation helps give the events that extra special feeling they’re meant to have. The second would be that the returnees take away spots from the roster members who work a full schedule and deserve to participate at a show of WrestleMania’s significance.

My view lies somewhere in the middle of the two. The returning stars are necessary for shows like WrestleMania to be distinguishable from the rest of the PPV pack. I don’t think WWE could expect to fill more than one stadium for a ‘Mania using only their current roster, and they’d only manage one because tickets are sold so far in advance. But at the same time I don’t think the list of returning names would need to be as long as it generally gets if WWE did a better job of making guys like Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Cesaro and Dolph Ziggler seem like they’re genuinely big stars. Part of WrestleMania absolutely should be about celebrating the past and integrating older stars, but it should also be about building for the future.

Something that could be done differently is how the returning names are used. Right now they tend to interact exclusively with one another. Jericho v Fandango and Triple H v Daniel Bryan aside all the names listed above have been involved with other stars from past eras at the last few WrestleManias. An argument could be made for CM Punk being raised up with his matches against The Undertaker and The Rock, but Punk was already pretty close to that level anyway. And, y’know, he lost both matches. By the time he left he was definitely on that level.

I’d be far more interested in a Triple H versus Dean Ambrose match than I would in a Triple H versus The Rock match. The former is a match that could easily take place at WM31, WWE having ample time to prepare it. The latter is a match the men themselves talked about on the SmackDown fifteenth anniversary show and while I don’t think it’s especially likely to happen it’s not an impossibility. That it was brought up on company programming indicates that WWE were interested in seeing how people reacted to talk of the bout.

For whatever reason WWE doesn’t seem interested in pitting the veteran performers against the younger batch of stars. Perhaps they feel the youngsters are beneath the vets. That will cause a problem in years to come if true because sooner or later it will bleed through into the televised product and the current roster could be viewed as second rate in terms of star power.

More likely, given the matchups we’ve had over the last few years, they feel the Dream Match™ route is the best one to take. Their idea of what constitutes such a match can at some times be questionable (Cena versus Rock headlining two ‘Manias in a row f’r’instance) but it’s a solid enough approach. With all of this in mind I thought I’d run through the various part-timers WWE does and could make use of and look at the possible opponents, both part- and full-time, they could be pitted against at the next few ‘Manias.

We’ll start with Mr Hulk Hogan. He’s a pretty big star, right? Well, yes and no. He was undoubtedly wrestling’s biggest star in the 1980s and for much of the 90s, but his status has been somewhat diminished by the likes of Rock, Austin and Cena. His stint in TNA didn’t help him either. That gave anyone who saw it the impression that he’s washed up. He obviously was washed up but that TNA really emphasised it. It wore off what mystique he was still clinging to and he’s only started getting it back since he started the sporadic appearances for WWE.

He says he's got one more leg drop left in him, brothers!

‘The Hulkster’ has dropped a number of unsubtle hints about wanting to wrestle a retirement match for WWE. I suspect there are a number of motives for this. One would be the hefty payday. Another would be the chance to get himself into the spotlight one more time, something he has adored throughout his career. Third would be the opportunity to go out on top. I mean, Hogan clearly hasn’t been on top of wrestling since 19-take-your-pick, but having a retirement match on the upper half, possibly even in the main event, of a ‘Mania card would do a lot to sate his legendary ego.

There’s only one man I think Hogan could or should come back to face. That’s John Cena. The reason is pretty obvious. It would be the biggest current star against one of the biggest stars of the past. They would not have an especially good match but it would be a spectacle, and there’s always a room for spectacle at WrestleMania. Cena’s capable (though he wouldn’t necessarily be willing) of bouncing around to make Hogan look good. Hogan could probably take an AA. It’s the only feasible match should a Hogan comeback occur.

Next is the man who Hogan made his initial ‘Mania comeback against back at X8, The Rock. I’ve already mentioned the tease WWE made of a Rock versus Triple H ‘Mania outing. It would be interesting from a historical point of view because they never wrestled in a singles match at the event, despite having a feud that lasted years and took them both from the mid-card to the main event. While doing the match now would allow them to tick off an accomplishment it wouldn’t live up to their past standards. Between 1998 and 2000 the pair had a number of memorable matches on TV and pay-per-view. They’re older now, and ‘The Great One’ is extra cautious of doing anything that could inflict an injury for fear of losing work in Hollywood, and they wouldn’t be able to match their previous high standards. It’s a match best left in the past.

Rock versus Brock Lesnar has a certain appeal to it: the Hollywood A-lister facing the former UFC champion. It’s the sort of thing WrestleMania has always been built around: mainstream, outside-wrestling appeal. But it’s unlikely to happen with Lesnar’s status as champ as it would need to be for the title and I don’t think either would be back before SummerSlam. Rock’s health and safety gimmick would probably make this match a no, too.

Rock versus Rusev is a potential match after their surprise interaction on the October 6 RAW. I think it could be a very good match. Rusev’s selling and psychology are good and constantly improving and he’s got a convincing, and over, set of moves. It would make sense to promote this match and there’s a reason for it happening. But I don’t think WWE will do it. The most I think we can expect is a second meeting on TV which ends with Rusev looking strong. That would help him, but not as much as a WrestleMania victory in an official match would.

Other than ‘The Bulgarian Brute’ no characters from the main roster jump out as a particularly good match for Rock. I think Cesaro would be a particularly nice fit match-wise, but not enough time has been invested in his character to make it seem a realistic possibility. Meanwhile I think there’s a natural story to be told between Rock and Roman Reigns, not least because they’re cousins, but the in-ring action would let them down. Reigns is not yet experienced enough as a singles wrestler to make this bout work. But if Rock’s still around for WrestleMania 33 in 2017 it might be a good idea.

Going back to Brock Lesnar there are a surprising number of options. Roman Reigns is top of the list as beating Lesnar for the WWE championship at ‘Mania 31 would be a nice crowning-of-the-heir-apparent moment. But even though it would make sense it’s not been announced as a thing yet. ‘The Beast’ could just as easily find himself working a rematch with The Undertaker or having his first main roster dalliance with Randy Orton. Had a better job been done of splitting Paul Heyman and Cesaro then there’d be a compelling, natural story to be told for Cesaro versus Lesnar. It could still be done, but the time for making it mean as much as it could has slipped through WWE’s fingers.

Since the loss of his Streak I’ve found myself less interested in the concept of further Undertaker appearances. It’s not because the Lesnar bout was bad (although it was), it’s because the main appeal of ‘The Dead Man’ for me had become seeing him increase The Streak’s length. It added an urgency to his bouts that just can’t be there now. I’d convinced myself that he’d go for another year or two, announce his final match before it took place, and have Cena as his opponent. Cena, more than Lesnar, would have been able to convince people before the match that he was going to end The Streak. Because he’s Cena. My logic was that if WWE were going to end The Streak for anyone it would be Cena.

But that all fell apart when Lesnar pinned ‘Big Evil’ at WrestleMania XXX. ‘The Phenom’ will still be able to have good matches (if his body permits it) but they just won’t be as suspenseful. He could have his rematch with Lesnar and win, but ultimately it wouldn’t matter. The blemish on his record would still be there.

A lot of people seem to want Sting v Undertaker. I’ve said before that I would have no interest in seeing that match. Sting as a performer does nothing for me and any analogies between his role in WCW and ‘Taker’s in WWE are lost on me. One went off the rails because he felt betrayed during an invasion of cool heels, the other’s a zombie biker who digs MMA. The most that can be said in favour of them being a particularly good pairing is that they are both synonymous with their respective promotions. But WCW closed down in 2001. At this point Sting v Undertaker would be as much TNA v WWE as WCW v WWE.

But a lot of people want to see it. There’s obviously something I’m missing. That people seem keen on it makes me think that Undertaker versus ‘The Stinger’ is the most sensible match for both men at ‘Mania 31. Personally I’d be more interested in either man in a singles match against Bray Wyatt. He’s a better fit for the characters of both veterans. But I doubt that will come to pass.

I suspect a lot of people would argue that Sting v Triple H would be a good match. It’s true that both are top tier performers, but something about their respective styles makes me think they wouldn’t gel well together. Neither strikes me as a significant enough name to make the match work. There’s no obvious story to tell between the pair either.

‘The Game’ is best off working against guys getting established. He’s a respected (within WWE TV Land at least) performer, a former multi-time world champion, and the on-screen boss. His status is why guys would want a match with him and his job allows him to be easily written into necessary stories. The Daniel Bryan story worked well. More along those lines would be fine. Dean Ambrose, Bray Wyatt and Cesaro would be my top choices for matches against Trips. In time there’s a very obvious Seth Rollins match waiting to be presented too.

One guy I’m not especially interested in seeing Tripper wrestle is Batista. Since leaving over the summer he’s mentioned in interviews that he’d be interested in returning for a retirement match against ‘The King of Kings’ at a WrestleMania. Which says a fair bit about how ‘The Animal’ sees his status within WWE history. In fairness Triple H v Batista would make sense as a retirement match, given their history as friends and opponents. It would be a neat ending to Big Dave’s career. It just doesn’t feel like a modern day ‘Mania match, partly because they faced off at a ‘Mania before and partly because I don’t think Batista quite deserves that level of send-off. To me it feels more like a SummerSlam idea.

I think Batista would be of more value facing an Ambrose or a Cesaro at future WrestleManias. But such matches are probably beneath his ego, even if he were to win them. A bout with Lesnar would likely satisfy him, with or without the title on the line, but the trouble there is the same as with The Rock: Batsy has to keep himself as healthy as possible for Hollywood duties and Lesnar is not conducive to that. It would be a fresh pairing though of established headliners though, and that counts for a lot with me.

A man it would be easy to overlook here is Goldberg. No, he’s never been on the best of terms with WWE. No, they don’t seem to regard him as any form of exceptional draw (and in fairness there’s little evidence that they should). But if Sting is going to get mentioned Goldberg should too. At his peak Goldberg was just as big a star for WCW as Sting.

Were The Streak still intact a decent story could have been built around ‘Taker pitting it against Goldberg’s mostly perfect win-loss record. WWE could have ignored ‘berg’s handful of jobs or acknowledged them and emphasised the screwiness of most of them, either approach would have done the job. A year and a half ago Goldberg would have been a good choice of opponent for Ryback. ‘The Big Guy’ was getting compared to Goldberg every week and it would have given him a boost to face and beat the former WCW champ. It may seem a peculiar thing to say now, given Ryback’s lower-card status, but had WWE handled him better during his rushed rivalry with CM Punk and into WrestleMania XXIX they could have made a headliner out of him.

Those are wasted opportunities. There’s no obvious scenario for Goldberg at a WrestleMania now. But he’s a big enough name to attract a few eyes, especially if he was given the Hall of Fame and retirement match package (not that WWE would deem him worthy of that). The Ryback match could still just about work, just not as well as it could have previously. Beyond that matches with Brock Lesnar, Cesaro or a more embedded Roman Reigns could work nicely.

One more year for Angle. But it probably won't be in WWE.

Goldberg is also one of the many names that could work as an opponent for Kurt Angle. WWE’s fledging roster split stopped it happening during Goldberg’s previous run, which was a pity as the pair seem like a natural fit: the powerhouse and the technician. The trouble is that Angle would likely be taken as the face and Goldberg the heel, and both do their best work in the opposite roles. The more significant trouble with doing this match nowadays is that Angle is falling to pieces and Goldberg isn’t exactly known for his safety.

The really obvious Angle match would be opposite Rusev. He’s a foreign heel who talks about his superiority to America whilst wearing a gold medal. It seems tailor made for Angle. The current leading hypothesis is that Rusev is destined for a ‘Mania showdown with Cena. That would work and work well, but the ultra-patriotic Angle would be just as good a fit, if not a better one.

At this point I should probably pause and acknowledge the fact that it doesn’t look like Angle will ever return to WWE for a match. He’s said he’ll wrestle one more year part-time and then retire. WWE are said to be sceptical about Angle’s ability to pass their health and endurance tests, and they’re almost certainly right to be. Angle was originally let go by WWE in 2006 because of health concerns and he’s visibly smaller now than he was then. As much as it would be great to see him return for one final run and matches against Rollins, Ambrose, Cesaro, Ziggler and Rusev (and basically everyone else on the roster) it doesn’t look as though it will happen. I suspect we won’t be seeing Angle back in WWE until he’s called it quits on his in-ring offerings and is ready to accept a (much deserved) spot in the company’s Hall of Fame.

The same isn’t necessarily true for Angle’s fellow TNA alums Bully Ray and Devon. The former Dudley Boyz have apparently cut ties with TNA and agreed to some sort of deal which will see them wrestle at New Japan’s Wrestle Kingdom 9. It seems safe to assume Team 3D were added because the pay-per-view will be broadcast on PPV in the US (via Jeff Jarrett’s increasingly shady Global Force Wrestling “promotion”) and Bully and Devon are considered big enough names to help attract an audience.

While they’re far from being the biggest names in wrestling ever they are a known quantity. They have the Attitude Era rub that could attract lapsed fans and a very long list of accomplishments for longer term fans. I don’t personally feel that they are but I could understand an argument being made for them being the best tag team ever.

All of which could be used to argue in favour of bringing them into WWE on a part-time basis. Or it could if WWE had a healthier doubles division. I’m sure that the Dudleys versus Goldust and Stardust or the Usos would be good, but neither of the current WWE teams has the status of the Dudleys. To make the most of rehiring the Dudleys WWE would need a team (preferably several) with some history and status to pit them against. They’d need that Dream Match™ scenario, allowing the Dudleys to give the rub to a younger team. The only duo WWE has right now that look like they have the potential to become a significant team is The Ascension, and they’re still in developmental.

If WWE wanted to they could hire Bully and Devon as agents and use them as an occasional treat for house shows crowds. If they spent the time between WrestleManias 31 and 32 creating an interesting and worthwhile doubles division with The Ascension as the undisputed stars then a Dudleys match in 2016 could mean something. But we all know this isn’t something WWE will bother with.

Finally we come to the man whom I think would prove the most lucrative name on this list were he to return to the ring: ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin. He seems fine with his retirement, having publically exhibited no burning desire to have one final match. It’s completely understandable. He went out in an extremely satisfying match in the semi-main event spot of a WrestleMania, losing to one of his greatest rivals, and friends, at a WrestleMania. He faced everyone there was to face during his time and became a massive star doing so. It’s hard to imagine him having any regrets about his career accomplishments or his last match in particular. While he’s always been careful to avoid committing to anything he has said that he’d come back for the right opponent and the right scenario. But I think another match with Austin is unlikely.

But that’s not to say there aren’t options for him. Because there are. There are tonnes. Austin against Ambrose, Rollins, Ziggler, or Cesaro. He has spoken highly of all of them in interviews and on his podcast, which indicates that he’d work a competitive match with them. Austin v Bryan could be a very good match too, although there you’d have the thorny issue of Bryan having to play the heel. Any of the four guys above could be switched to the antagonist role for an outing against Austin, but for several years now a defining attribute of Bryan’s character has been that he’s the chosen one of fans. He’s the man we want to see on top and the man we want to cheer for.

Even less likely than any of those matches is Austin versus CM Punk. It’s a match that WWE teased in a backstage segment on the 27 June 2011 on the episode of RAW that ended with Punk’s celebrated “pipe bomb”. The appeal of the match is obvious: they’re characters that have both a lot in common and some very clear differences. Each elevated their status within the company as outspoken anti-heroes railing against the management system. Each won several WWE championships and became credible headline talents. It’s the specifics where they differ. Austin was the beer-guzzling redneck who would attack anyone over anything. Punk doesn’t touch alcohol and was never booked to be as aggressive a presence as ‘The Rattlesnake’. The promos and interactions the pair could have in the build-up to a WrestleMania match would be sensational. With both men healthy and capable of hitting their signature spots a match would almost certainly be well-received. 

The match that never was.

Then there’s Austin versus Brock Lesnar. The promos there would have a different feel to them because it would be Austin dealing with Paul Heyman. There’s a lot that could be brought up there without even mentioning Lesnar: Heyman managing Austin early on in his career, giving him the opportunity to do a rough cut of the ‘Stone Cold’ character in ECW in 1995, and their time together in the Alliance. Then of course there’d be the history between Lesnar and Austin. The Texan famously walked out on WWE in 2002 after he was told he was to lose to ‘The Next Big Thing’ on an episode of RAW with no build-up. Heyman could spin that as Austin being scared of Lesnar and go on to talk up Lesnar various shoot credentials and WWE accomplishments to add validity to his claim. There are a lot of topics that could be covered to create a very tense, very real atmosphere for the bout.

Would it happen? I don’t think it would. While Austin would probably be more willing to risk injury than Batista and The Rock because he’s not got as many acting commitments or opportunities he does have a more serious medical history than either man (which, were it to happen, could be another topic for Heyman). Austin’s neck and knees would take a pounding in a match with ‘The Beast’ and I don’t think it would be worth the risk to his health.

Austin versus Hogan is another match with a very obvious appeal to it but I don’t think it could ever happen. ‘The Hulkster’ would need an opponent who could carry him, and that wouldn’t necessarily by Austin after twelve-plus years away from the ring. Then, of course, there’d be the question of winning. Can you imagine either man agreeing to lie down for the other? I can’t. And in this day and age anything less than a clear winner would not go down well.

There’s also John Cena. He’s already faced The Rock twice, losing once and winning once. Their matches were not received well and it’s tough to see things being any different in a Cena v Austin match. Rock actually seemed like a better fit for the Cena character as he was always a little more family-friendly than Austin, and Cena’s always about being family friendly. Something about their characters just made the pairing a natural fit, just as Austin and Punk would fit well together.

Were the match to happen Cena would obviously find himself booed. Austin, more than anyone else from the late 90s and early 00s, embodies the spirit of the Attitude Era. He was the man that sparked that movement within the company. It would be tough to see the match outside of the frame of Attitude versus PG and that’s a scenario WWE should want to keep Cena away from at all costs. The match would probably be as good if not better than Cena’s collisions with The Rock but that’s not really saying much.

Were Austin to return for a match there’s one match I’d want to see more than any other. It’s a match that has never happened but was once advertised as a pay-per-view main event: Austin v Triple H v The Rock. A triple threat match between the three biggest stars of the Attitude Era.

The match was originally advertised as the main event of Survivor Series 1999, a lovely bit of deliberate false advertising by the WWF because they knew from the start that it would never take place. Early on in the show Austin was “run over” in a car park to write him out of the match and storylines, allowing him to head off for a neck surgery. He was replaced by Big Show, who left as the new WWF champion.

Even back then I don’t think the match would have been incredible but it would probably have been very good. But it’s a bout that goes beyond concerns over quality. It’s appeal lies in seeing the three biggest stars of a generation together at the same time. And of course in seeing who’d be booked to go over. Had it happened in ’99 with all three men healthy it would have been hard to call. There were reasons for each man to win: Austin had been the company’s leading man for over a year and a half, The Rock was set to step up and become just as big a star, and Triple H was the era’s lead heel who always found a way to escape with the title. If it were to happen now none of that would be a factor. Times have changed and each man has a Hall of Fame career behind him. But it would still be one of the hardest matches to predict a winner for. And I think it would be an incredibly satisfying watch.

That Wrestling Podcast Episode 50

That Wrestling Podcast Episode 50 by Dave Hatton on Mixcloud

Thought the first episode of That Wrestling Podcast after WrestleMania XXX would be all about the big show and the following night’s RAW? Think again.

For this episode we take a trip down memory lane. No, not WrestleMania XXIX. Or XXVIII. No WrestleMania at all. In fact the topic isn’t even WWE related. No, in this episode we discuss World Championship Wrestling.

This didn't help.

Specifically we talk about what caused WCW to spiral out of control and ultimately go out of business. Everything from the booking to the huge guaranteed contracts to the overreliance on the New World Order angle is discussed. And, naturally, the fact that it ended up being owned by a company that didn’t want anything to do with the wrestling business.

This is a topic I’ve wanted to write about before. It’s one I’m sure I’ll cover one day but not anytime soon. There’s so much to cover that it needs to be done right. This podcast episode will have to suffice for now.

That Wrestling Podcast Episode 38

That Wrestling Podcast Episode 38 by Dave Hatton on Mixcloud

This episode is about Sunday’s Royal Rumble. We discuss what was good and what was bad about the show. That means covering Batista’s victory, Sheamus’s return, Bray Wyatt’s attack on John Cena, the WWE championship match, and, of course, the treatment of Daniel Bryan. But which category, good stuff and bad stuff, will these things fall into.

Since the Rumble CM Punk has apparently left WWE. I wouldn’t acknowledge that here (yet) but we discuss him during this podcast too. We both agreed he would wrestle Kane at Elimination Chamber. Technically, technically, that could still happen. Both men are under contract and physically capable of wrestling but, well, it’s not likely.

Batista's going to WrestleMania. And he's going there in his invisible car

Basically grin and bear any bits with CM Punk. There’s as much interest to be found in them as there is in anything else in any of these podcasts, and it may become relevant again.

Also discussed are WWE’s long term plans for Elimination Chamber and WrestleMania. We covers the matches and storylines we expect to see on both as well as what we see as the rights and wrongs of pushing the likes of Batista, Randy Orton, Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns. We even briefly discuss Ryback v Goldberg.

For a more extensive report on what actually happened at the Rumble and on the following night’s RAW you can read my reviews here and here.

Fantasy Booker: WrestleMania Season 2014

Wondering how I’d book WrestleMania XXX if I wound up in charge of WWE tomorrow? Of course you are. You’re only human. As a special treat I’m going to detail exactly what I’d do. Within reason, of course. I’m not going to detail every episode of RAW, for example. Because life’s too short, isn’t it?

I’ll start with Royal Rumble. With that show still a few weeks away I obviously have to make some assumptions about who’ll be feuding with who. Brock Lesnar will be clashing with Big Show at the show, while Batista will be gunning for Alberto Del Rio. I’ll ignore the former match because it’s boring. The Rumble’s a starting point, both for this post and in reality.

There are a lot of maybes and possiblys below. That’s because WWE is set up to have input from various backstage minds. I wouldn’t want to ignore those guys, so anytime there’s a maybe or a half-thought assume that it’s because it’s a detail that I’d ask for input on. What I’m detailing is a outline, not minutia.

So… the WWE World Heavyweight championship match. This and the Rumble match itself are the only matches confirmed for the pay-per-view that I’m interested in. I’d have Orton and Cena take the penultimate spot and put the Rumble on last. The thirty man match stands a far better chance of being exciting and surprising than ‘The Viper’ and ‘The CeNation Leader’. It would seem the natural thing to do.

Orton would retain the championship cleanly. If he’s to be the WWE champion at the biggest show of the year he has to be considered credible. The constant whining and trying to get out of title matches would have to stop, and while Orty would remain affiliated with The Authority it would be a priority to make him a heel in his own right. Bear this in mind as you continue reading.

Cena and Orton would get fifteen minutes. That’s long enough for people not to feel cheated but short enough not to bore anyone (well, most people). I’d also encourage a fast pace. Orton is far easier to watch when wrestling a quick match and Cena is underrated when it comes to speed (although it makes him sloppier, but that’s a price worth paying). I think it would make the match stand out from their other encounters.

The undercard would probably get by with just two other matches. An obvious match to go with is a Divas title match. It gets AJ Lee on to the show and decreases the number of guys working twice, which is something that WWE seem to have become against in the last few years. I like the idea of there being a Divas Royal Rumble on the RAW or SmackDown before the PPV, with the winner facing AJ. Anyone could face her really, it’s not like the Divas division is stacked with great challengers. Let’s just say it’d be Rosa Mendes and move on.

The other undercard match I’d have going on would be for the tag team titles. Unlike the Divas division the tag scene actually has more than one worthwhile act in it. Obviously I’d want a good match to open the show but it wouldn’t matter overly who the challengers were because Cody Rhodes and Goldust would win. I like the idea of Miz and Kofi Kingston somehow winding up as challengers, playing off the feud they had late last year, but it could just as easily be the Usos, the Prime Time Players or RybAxel getting the match.

The Rumble itself would, as I’ve already said, go on last. A broad overview first, yeah? Entrant number one would be Alberto Del Rio. He’s a big enough name to not be a disappointment going out first but not so big that it’s using up someone who’d be of more use later on. Number two could be pretty much any mid-card babyface. Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston or The Miz. Someone of that nature.

The big name entrants would be dispersed evenly. Daniel Bryan (four), Roman Reigns (fifteen), Rey Mysterio (nineteen), CM Punk (twenty one), the returning Rob Van Dam (twenty five), and Brock Lesnar (thirty) are the ones I’m most interested in (we’ll get to why below) but Mark Henry (eight), Big Show (seventeen) and Kane (twenty three) would get their entry points based on keeping a constant stream of big names. In between these guys there would be mid-carders to keep the numbers up and Legends™ to get cheap pops (and keep the numbers up too). Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts would be among the names in that category.

So, a general Rumble plan. Let’s start with Daniel Bryan. Between now and the Rumble I’d tease decent between him and his new Family. I know he only joined two weeks ago. I don’t care. I think it’s stupid that he’s a part of the Wyatt faction in the first place so a split would be high on my list of priorities. The general idea would be that Bray intends to have Rowan, Harper and Bryan do all the work eliminating guys so he can win the Rumble match and become WWE champ. In true henchman style Harper and Rowan would be totally on board with that while Bryan’s body language would hint at reservations.

The split would come in the Rumble match with Bray taking one liberty too many with Bryan (maybe demanding that he eliminate himself because after he’s gotten rid of a load of guys) and finding himself eliminated for it. Bray would have an early twenties number and work with Bryan for a while before the incident leading to his elimination occurred.

Where would Harper and Rowan be, you ask? They’d have numbers somewhere in the first half of the match and that would have left them at the mercy of entrant fifteen. In order to continue teasing Mr Roman Reigns’ face turn he’d quickly eliminate everyone in the ring when he arrived, except for Daniel Bryan (maybe there’d be a spot where he’s knocked between the ropes to the floor to keep him officially in the match). ADR and Batista would have gone for each other as soon as ‘The Animal’ entered and they’d eliminate one another as the final major spot before Reigns entered.

Reigns would clear the ring (yep, that includes Mark Henry) and then take out everyone that entered. A disposable guy at sixteen, followed by Big Show at seventeen, and another disposable at eighteen. Michael Cole would be instructed to hype this as much as possible, screeching about how Reigns could plough through everyone and win the thing.

Rey Mysterio would be the man to hold him up. Anyone familiar with Reymond’s work will know that he could convincingly get tossed over the rope, landing on the apron each time, for several minutes. Him managing to last until entrant twenty (another disposable) strolled out would stop Reigns’ roll and allow wrestlers to begin entering the match again. For the record, I think Bryan would probably re-enter during Rey’s exchange with Reigns.

This probably begs the question of when Rollins and Ambrose would enter. Rollins would be amongst the first entrants and amongst the first eliminated, avoiding having him interact with his Shield partners. Because I’d have something planned for Reigns and Ambrose. Ambrose would saunter out in the first half of the twenties (let’s say twenty four) and co-exist with Reigns for a while. They’d work together a bit, but not loads. After a couple of minutes Reigns would eliminate Ambrose accidentally with an errant clothesline, setting up the dissention of the group.  But that’s for later…

The final six men in the match would be Bryan, Punk, RVD, Mysterio, Reigns, and Lesnar. There’s no elaborate finishing sequence in my mind for them but the six names will become important below. Reigns would be thrown out by a group effort, I’ll add that. Probably Bryan, Punk and Mysterio: three men of that calibre teaming up to get one guy out illustrates what a threat he is.

The final two would be Lesnar and Punk, a rematch of sorts from their (horrendous let down of a) match at SummerSlam. Lesnar would maul ‘The Second City Saint’ around the ring but be unable to actually eliminate him. Punk would be all about surviving. And that would be the story of the final two. Eventually Punk would manage to chuck the beast out. Again I’m not sure how. Maybe a blocked F5 followed by a GTS and a clothesline on a staggered Lesnar.

However it happened Punk would win the 2014 Rumble.

Between the Rumble and Elimination Chamber I'd want to keep some placeholder feuds going. Del Rio v Batista would be one. It'd be the standard WWE stuff: calling each other out, interfering in matches, and then having a contract signing (on SmackDown, natch) ending in the two coming to blows and ADR narrowly avoiding taking a Batista bomb through a table.

Rumble winner! Yeah!

The post-Rumble RAW would start with a Triple H promo. He'd refer to CM Punk's WrestleMania spot as secure and wish him good luck. Then he'd say that the man Punk will challenge is still yet to be determined. Punk would have had to go through a gruelling Royal Rumble match to earn his 'Mania main event and 'The Game' would feel that the WWE champ should earn their way into the headline bout too.

The main event of Elimination Chamber would be announced as Randy Orton defending against five deserving individuals inside the Chamber itself. The five would be the final six from the Rumble minus Punk (because he won, obvs). So that's Orton defending against Brock Lesnar, Rob Van Dam, Rey Mysterio, Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns.

Speaking of Reigns he'd appear in a segment with Rollins and Ambrose on the January 27^th RAW. It would be about Ambrose trying to cajole Reigns into saying that his elimination of Ambrose was an accident and that, had they worked together like the teammates they are they would have been the final two. Rollins would encourage Reigns to make peace but the trio would be interrupted by CM Punk.

Punk would spiel about being the man who did win and say that the result would've been the same no matter how many Shield members were involved. The Shield would challenge Punk to get in the ring and fight them and he'd be joined by Cody Rhodes and Goldust to even the odds. They'd brawl and a six man tag team match would be made for later in the show. This would lead to Ambrose and Rollins challenging for the tag team titles at Elimination Chamber.

Punk would move into a short dispute with The Real Americans which would peak with a match against Antonio Cesaro at Elimination Chamber. Putting him against a tag team would allow for some tag matches with various partners on TV as well as a singles match with Jack Swagger.

Daniel Bryan would revert to his regular attire and officially leave the Wyatt Family on the post-Rumble RAW. Naturally he'd be outnumbered by the Family and it'd be John Cena making the save. His reasoning? He would support Bryan’s decision and think him right to turn his back on the Family in favour of embracing the fans. They'd fight off the Wyatt gang and Cena would be announced for a singles match with Bray at EC. The Wyatt v Bryan match wouldn't be held off for 'Mania. It would happen on the episode of RAW before Chamber, allowing for a bit of time to hype it.

That would be five meaningful matches for Elimination Chamber: Alberto Del Rio v Batista, Cody Rhodes and Goldust v Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins, CM Punk v Antonio Cesaro, Bray Wyatt v John Cena, and the Elimination Chamber match itself. I’d add another match, probably an IC title match to keep Big E Langston in people’s minds. A six match card would be a bit light but one of them would be a Chamber match with a lengthy running time and there’d also be a significant non-match segment. I’ll get to that in a moment.

The ECPPV would open with John Cena and Bray Wyatt’s bout. I’d want Cena’s match out of the way early (for reasons that should become clear below). Sticking him in the opener would achieve that and wake the crowd up early. Match two would be the tag team championship match. Goldust and Cody Rhodes would retain their titles and not split up. Because that’s an obvious route. Part of the reason I’d want this match is because both teams would be rumoured to be splitting and feuding. And because it’d be good, of course.

Match three would be Batista versus Alberto Del Rio. Batista would need to win to remind everyone that he’s a genuine star. And to prep him for ‘Mania. Who would he be facing? Sheamus. Yeah, Sheamus. ‘Great White’ would run in through the crowd after Batista’s win and Brogue Kick him. There would be no promo or other Shaymo-related shenanigans. Just a Brogue Kick, a heelish, satisfied nod, and then a shot of the back of his head as he left.

CM Punk would get a decisive win over Cesaro after that. It wouldn’t go longer than eight minutes. Punk would need to win as he’d be challenging for the WWE championship on the next pay-per-view.

After that would be the non-match segment. If this were actually happening the man it involves being on this show would have been announced weeks in advance, possibly even at the Royal Rumble. But because this is, loosely speaking, a narrative I thought it would be better to hold the reveal off until now to get the literary form of a pop (this isn’t a joke, I genuinely think like this). The non-wrestling segment would, of course, be the return of Hulk Hogan.

This would be the standard Hogan promo. He’d talk about it being great to return to WWE (I can imagine him saying “home”) and say he’s looking forward to being at WrestleMania XXX. The implication would be that he’d retired and would be at ‘Mania as a spectator only. But we all know that’s nonsense.

"You, brother!"

One of two things would happen here and it would depend entirely on ‘The Hulkster’s’ physical capabilities as determined by WWE’s medical staff. If he were able to wrestle a one-on-one match he’d be interrupted by John Cena who’d cut a babyface promo about watching Hogan growing up, respecting him, and thinking that it would be an honour to face him at ‘Mania. Hogan would milk that and then agree to the match. If he were only able to wrestle a light match he’d be interrupted by The Real Americans. Zeb Colter would claim Hogan is un-American and so forth before telling him Cesaro and Swagger would make sure he wouldn’t make it to ‘Mania. Cena would come out for the save, setting up Cena and Hogan versus The Real Americans for WrestleMania.

I’d be surprised if Hogan was up to wrestling a singles match, even if he was protected and against a relatively undemanding opponent like Cena. I think the tag team match is what would end up happening. Neither match would be good but if I were actually booking this my preference would be Hogan v Cena. That, much like the twice in a lifetime Rock v Cena match, is a once in a lifetime thing.

That’d be followed with Big E Langston’s defence of the Intercontinental championship. Filler to keep him on screens and the minutes ticking over. Yeah!

However… if Goldberg was interested in making a few appearances on RAW and wrestling a match at WrestleMania the Big E Langston match wouldn’t take place. Instead Ryback would squash a disposable good guy and then get on the microphone to challenge Goldberg to a ‘Mania match. If ‘berg was uninterested then Big E would retain his PPV spot here.

Then there’d be the main event. For the record Lesnar would only have been on TV once since the Rumble, in a show-closing six-way battle involving the Chamber contestants on the pre-pay-per-view February 17^th RAW. The rest of his appearances would be saved for the final push towards WrestleMania XXX. In Lesnar’s absence Heyman would have been talking about him becoming the WWE champion, defeating CM Punk again and then tearing WWE apart until there was nothing left.

The Chamber match would start with Daniel Bryan and Rey Mysterio. Orton entering the match with the advantage of being fresh would encourage boos, Reigns’ entrance should encourage cheers (furthering his gradual face turn), Van Dam’s too clumsy to keep in the match for long, and Lesnar is at his best in short bursts. Bryan and Mysterio could wrestle for five minutes and hold the crowd’s attention without a problem.

The first pod to open would be Orton’s, just as Mysterio and Bryan have some sort of collision that sends them both down to the mat. Orton would take control and keep it until the next pod opened and Reigns entered. The heels would ally with each other and continue controlling the pace. Inevitably there would be some sort of miscue and they’d have a disagreement, which would lead to Reigns once again behaving like a face and plastering Orty. He’d spear him but have to deal with Bryan and-or Rey before he could go for a cover.

Van Dam would come in and work a bit and then the eliminations would kick in. Reigns would spear Orton, Bryan, RVD and Mysterio, in that order, pinning the last two immediately after their respective spears. Reigns would probably spend some time roaring, allowing Bryan to get up and ready himself for the running knee. That would stagger the Shield member and ‘The Viper’ would follow up with an RKO. Reigns would be eliminated.

Before Bryan and Orton could revive their feud one-on-one the final chamber would open and Brock Lesnar would enter the match. ‘The Pain’ would dominate both men, as is his wont, and begin toying with them instead of pinning them. Orton would be scooped up for an F5. That would be reversed into an RKO (a spot I’ve always wanted to see). And then the lights would go out.

They’d come back on after thirty seconds or so to reveal The Undertaker in the ring. Lesnar would stagger to his feet and then they’d have a brief exchange of punches and rope running, ending with ‘Taker ducking a clothesline and scooping Lesnar up and blasting him with a Tombstone piledriver. The lights would go out and Orton would be covering ‘The Pain’ when they came back on. Lesnar would be eliminated by the WWE champion.

That would leave Bryan and Orton as the final two, resuming their disappointing rivalry from late last year. They’d be told to have the exchange that they should have been having when they were wrestling on pay-per-views regularly. They’d have over ten minutes and would be encouraged to have lots of near falls and a few false finishes. It would be a chance for Bryan to convince WWE they made a mistake by not pushing him and for Orton to prove to fans that he’s not the undeserving dullard he appears to be.

This is not a show-closing image

Orton would win. There’s a chance the match would end via a loosened turnbuckle pad (Orton shoves Bryan into it and then gives him an RKO) or something of that nature. But probably not. I’d favour a clean finish to build Orty up for WrestleMania. Sticking with undecided issues there’s a chance I’d have CM Punk go to the ring to face off with ‘The Apex Predator’ to close the show. The thought of the event ending on a shot of Orton posing with the belts as the cage is raised isn’t particularly interesting.

All that’s left is to say what would be happening on the final six weeks of TV before the big show. I’ll start by addressing the tag team champions. Between Elimination Chamber and ‘Mania Goldust and Cody Rhodes would be targeted by the Wyatt Family. The beard boys would want the gold. The four would meet in a match at WrestleMania XXX. It would be a significant match because Cody and Goldy would be teaming at ‘Mania and it would be the first title opportunity on the main roster for the Wyatts.

On the RAW following Elimination Chamber Daniel Bryan would challenge Triple H to a WrestleMania match. ‘The Game’ would say no and Bryan would trap him in the Yes Lock. The next show would see Triple H say he’d considered suspending Bryan but that he’d thought better of it because that would make Bryan think he’d gotten under Tripper’s skin. Bryan would again confront the boss and they’d brawl, being separated by agents, security, and the rest of roster.

A couple of weeks in, say the March 10^th RAW, Shawn Michaels would appear on RAW and tell Triple H that the only way to deal with Bryan would be to grant him want he wants: a match. ‘The King of Kings’ would do it but announce that HBK would be his corner man, and that anyone interfering on Bryan’s behalf would be fired. At least one episode of RAW after this would feature a promo segment in which Bryan and Michaels discuss their history and motives for siding against and with Triple H.

Back to the February 24^th RAW. Sheamus would again attack Batista but there would be no explanation. That would come the week after (because the February 24^th RAW is pretty talk heavy). ‘The Celtic Warrior’ would explain that he attacked Batista due to feeling that Batista doesn’t deserve a spot on the roster. Maybe he’d be told to make some comments about people being excited for ‘The Animal’s’ return but not for his. Because jealousy is a staple of modern day heels. They’d brawl and interfere in one another’s matches (and tag against each other in matches mixing ‘Mania feuds) before meeting on ‘The Grandest Stage of Them All’.

Randy Orton and CM Punk would have the sort of feud you’d expect. To be honest I think this is what’s actually going to happen and I don’t think it’s going to be particularly enjoyable. The reason I’d do it is that there’s not really much else for either man to do yet they’d both need to be included on the WM card. If it happens in reality I think Orton’s going to continue his pseudo-coward gimmick, which won’t convince anyone to watch the show. I’d present him as being aggressive and not have him back down. Make him the sort of man fans want to see get beaten rather than a coward: you know the coward’s going to lose in a ‘Mania setting while you’re less certain about the aggressive guy and you want to see the result more.

If the Goldberg and Ryback match were to happen Ryback would continue calling out Goldberg after winning squash matches on RAW. He’d be answered on the March 17^th RAW with Goldberg marching to the ring and barking “You’re next!” while giving The Point of Doom™. ‘Big Hungry’ would back up the ramp looking fearful.

The next week Goldberg and Ryback would meet face-to-face and ‘back would use a chair to clobber his ‘Mania foe. Then he’d stand over him posing. Maybe he’d hit a Jackhammer too but probably not because I can imagine the pair of them botching that somehow.

Back again to the post-Chamber RAW. The Shield would head to the ring and Ambrose would take a mic. He’d remind everyone that he’s still the only member of the faction to have a title, the prestigious United States championship, and that he and Rollins came “this” close to becoming the tag team champions at Elimination Chamber while Reigns failed miserably in his quest for the WWE championship. This passive aggressive approach would raise Reigns’ ire and he’d get in Ambrose’s face. They’d go nose to nose and then Rollins would attack Reigns from behind. Rollins and Ambrose would kick away at the big guy and then leave.

The next week there’d be a Rollins v Reigns match. The week after that there would be an Ambrose v Reigns match. And on the RAW after that Ambrose and Rollins would team against Reigns and… someone. Probably Big E Langston (I’m using him as a space filler a lot aren’t I?). During the tag match Rollins and Ambrose would bicker and Rollins would end up walking out on the match, leaving Ambrose to get pinned by Reigns.

Yep, The Shield would split up and meet in a three-way dance at WrestleMania. Ambrose’s US title would be on the line. Reigns would be the star babyface, Ambrose the heel, and Rollins either a heel or a tweener. Nothing much else to say here.

Cena would be left floating around during this period, no matter whether he was facing or tagging with Hogan. He’d end up with The Real Americans in either case. If he were wrestling a singles match with Hogan the Real boys’ motivation could be their feeling that they are better suited to facing Hogan in a singles match. If it were the tag match then sticking with The Real Americans would keep Cena busy with something relevant, but he’d need something else going on too (I don’t know what) because six weeks of Cena handling The Real Americans alone would make his tag match even more pointless. Hogan would appear now and then in either case.

Finally there’s the Brock Lesnar and Undertaker feud. Undertaker’s motivation for attacking Lesnar would be keeping him away from the WWE championship. Lesnar (via Heyman) would explain that he’s not bothered about the title, more in bringing the company down to amuse himself. Obviously this would end in a Streak challenge, with the reasoning being that ‘The Pain’ ending The Streak would do just as much harm as him being champion.

Then there’d be the big show itself. If Hogan and Cena were having a singles match then they’d go on last and Cena would win. If they were tagging with one another they’d wrestle on the mid-card (Jack Swagger cannot, under any circumstances headline a WrestleMania). Cena and Hogan would win the tag. Cena would win the singles match. Either way the current face of the company wins and gets a form of rub.

If Hogan and Cena teamed up then it would be Orton and Punk going on last. No matter where they were on the card ‘The Second City Saint’ would capture the WWE championship. Having him leave WrestleMania with the title would set him up to be as interesting as possible (which isn’t very interesting, but whatevs) in the post-‘Mania stretch. Bryan and Triple H would be high on the card and ‘The Dazzler’ would win cleanly with the Yes Lock after eliminating Michaels with the knee strike.

Dean Ambrose would retain his US title in the triple threat match. Two reasons for that. Firstly, I’d want to keep his lengthy run going. Secondly winning that title does nothing for Roman Reigns. It’s a third tier belt and I think it would harm his standing. The Intercontinental championship should be the first singles prize his wins. The finish I’d book would be Reigns spearing Rollins and then being hit with Ambrose’s tumbling DDT. Ambrose would pin Rollins though: that would get over Reigns’ spear and create cause for a rematch (which Ambers could cheat to win at Extreme Rules).

Sheamus would defeat Batista, because he’s the man he’s going to be on TV regularly and I think most viewers would expect a win for ‘The Animal’. WrestleMania needs a surprise result or two. Another match that might fit the surprise bill would be the tag title bout. Luke Harper and Erick Rowan would win the gold. There would be no split for Cody and Goldy. They’d simply embrace and be happy at having wrestled alongside one another at WrestleMania. Goldberg would squash Ryback in under two minutes, harking back to his Nitro heyday.

Finally, there would be Undertaker v Lesnar. Obviously Lesnar would lose. As I’ve written in these posts before I’d never book The Streak to end.

The WrestleMania XXX card I’d want to book:

Dean Ambrose to defeat Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins
Sheamus to defeat Batista
Goldberg to defeat Ryback
Daniel Bryan to defeat Triple H
The Wyatt Family to defeat Cody Rhodes and Goldust for the WWE tag team championship
The Undertaker to defeat Brock Lesnar
CM Punk to defeat Randy Orton for the WWE championship
John Cena to defeat Hulk Hogan

A Conversation With Dan Pryce

If you’ve listened to That Wrestling Podcast you’ll probably have heard mention of Dan. We had intended for him to be a regular contributor but it’s not really worked out. Partly because he doesn’t live near enough to London to make recording easy for him and partly because he’s just become a dad. Congrats again, brother!

But not being able to record with him doesn’t mean I don’t speak to him. Facebook comments are regularly exchanged, almost exclusively about wrestling. Sometimes they’re brief flurries and sometimes they span dozens of posts and hundreds of words. And just recently I had the idea of converting one of these exchanges into a blog post, giving everyone the flavour of Dan Pryce (oh!) I want them to experience despite not being able to record with him.

Below you’ll find a conversation from Facebook. The fact that it’s from Facebook should be remembered: it’s all very informal and not originally designed for being a blog post. A light bit of editing has been performed but for the most part it’s the conversation exactly as it first appeared. To clarify the opening comment was a post on my wall. The rest are comments on that.

Consider this an unofficial podcast entry.

***

Dan: Just watched Survivor Series. Worst main event in living memory.

Dave: It's not good is it? Even with Orton stalling and ringside brawling Show could only handle eleven minutes. He was blown up walking to the ring.

Dave: The best bit was the crowd singing his music.

Dan: It genuinely made me a little bit depressed.

Dave: What do you think was the best match?

Dan: I enjoyed the first match. It was kind of slow and flowed badly, but there were good spots and Reigns was excellent. That was a push, if ever I saw one. I couldn't sit through Ryback v Mark Henry. I'd rather sit through Mohnil¹ imbibing a whole turkey. The Punk and Bryan match was pretty okay. I expected something a little more. Cena v Del Rio was just their last match, without the benefit of the surprise factor. Cena very much got beaten and Del Rio very much did that angry Mexican face.

Dan: I'm still not entirely sold on the Wyatts. Great gimmick, sloppy wrestling.

Dan: Harper and Rowan are big men who do lots of hitting.

Dan: #hitting

Dave: I thought the opener was the best thing and it all went downhill after, with various peaks and troughs. Reigns was wonderful. Things were laid out for him to look great and he made sure he did. Totally agree about Cena v Del Rio.

Dave: I'm not sold on Erick 'Upside Down Sheamus Face' Rowan. I like me some Luke Harper though. That guy is magic. Bray's the best wrestler of the three but he always seems to be injured. He's had three or four sidelining injuries in the last year. He's the new Batista...

Dan: He DOES have an upside-down Sheamus face!

Dan: I'm deeply, deeply, utterly ambivalent about Orton v Cena. At least this means they won't do it at WM.

Dave: Do you think the titles are actually going to be unified? A lot of people seem to think they’ll be swapped.

Dan: I think they'll switch them somehow. Or more shenanigans. I smell Big Show's big fist.

Dan: Ohhh.

Dave: I think there's a chance of Cena v Bryan II at WrestleMania. And apparently Sheamus is pushing for an Undertaker match.

Dan: I'd rather see Undertaker wrestle a bun.

Dave: My immediate reaction was that Cena will win. Because he's Cena.

Dan: Cena wins, starts a feud with The Authority, something happens, Big Show cries.

Dan: Why didn't they wait for Rumble to do Orton v Cena?

Dan: That would have been huge. Keep it going for Elimination Chamber, send them both into big feuds for WM. THAT'S booking. *pow*

Dave: I thought that about the Rumble. I had my hopes pinned on Cena defending against Cesaro at TLC. And I expected an Orton v Show rematch.

Dave: Regarding you preferring Undertaker v a bun to Undertaker v Sheamus, I'd prefer Undertaker v the concept of buns to Undertaker v Sheamus.

Dave: I do not like Sheamus.

Dave: Undertaker v a Stetson > Undertaker v Sheamus

Dan: It's not that I don't like him. It's just that anything bad that happens in the world is directly attributable to the existence of Sheamus.

Dave: Apparently he's shaved off his beard and-or hair while injured. Which makes him even more generic than he was before.

Dave: Forget the brogue kick. You're not beating Undertaker with that.

Dan: I genuinely do not know what they have planned for WM. Very little, I suspect. OR: they may have something remarkable lined up.

Dan: Sheamus minus the beard looks like Kreplach:

 

Dan: Kreplach with a face.

Dave: Is that a recent photo of him? He's lost weight...

Dan: Very recent.

Dan: I'm particularly enjoying the 'Daniel Bryan' chants whenever Orton appears. Sometimes, you can just count on wrestling fans to be wonderful dicks.

Dave: They don't have anything remarkable lined up. Lesnar v Undertaker and Cena v Hogan are what I'm expecting.

Dave: Yeah, that's right. Cena v Hogan.

Dan: That would be...

Dan: It would be kreplach again.

Dave: How are you going to feel when Bryan appears wearing a vest and jeans and cuts a promo about Bray Wyatt being the messiah?

Dan: Cena's vehemently denied that he thinks Hogan will wrestle. So you're probably right. We're probably in for it.

Dave: Rock told interviewers he was retired a few months before he hosted WrestleMania and set up his Cena match. I hadn't heard that about Cena so I'm now even more sure Hogan will wrestle. And if he does Cena is the obvious match.

Dan: I'd like a Bryan heel turn. I'd like him to live in the basement, eat only things he finds in the trash, recite Edgar Allen Poe poems and wrestle in a full body tweed-in-one.

Dan: Is Rock at WM 30? I think it needs his bulging, 'about-to-explode' head.

Dan: Also, Orton is not a heel. He's just a guy who has stumbled upon a belt.

Dave: Triple H and Stephanie are bigger heels than Orton. Rock probably won't wrestle but I think he'll do something at WrestleMania.

Dave: That he's probably not wrestling is part of why I think Hogan will.

Dave: They should splash the cash and do Hogan v Cena and Punk v Austin.

Dan: I hope he stages some sort of eating contest. Involving Mark Henry, Brie Bella and Ron Simmons. The Rock, that is.

Dave: Ends with Brie giving everyone her finisher (which she'll have by then).

Dave: Hogan v Cena, Austin v Punk and Lesnar v Undertaker would be a good triple main event line-up. Won't happen though. Austin's done.

Dan: Austin ain't coming back. It's hard to see how they can rise to the thirty years challenge. Lesnar v Taker is a good start. Punk v Bryan would be great. But there always needs to be one, mind-blowing, “this match will never happen-oh, wait, it's happening” match-for-the-ages match at these events. Maybe Michaels will come back? Not that I'd want him to. Hogan v Cena fits the bill. It also fits the “I do not want this match” bill.

Dave: How about the other potential Hogan match: Hogan v Undertaker?

Dan: URGH.

Dave: Just read a rumour that Cena will win the WWE championship and Orton will win the World Heavyweight championship. This is something I thought about and then dismissed as too daft even for them. It surprises me to find it on a credible (as far as such sites can be credible) news site.

Dave: They didn't even want to do a unification match until mid-week. That's why they didn't say the word on RAW. That's why the company's as uninspiring as it is.

Dan: They need to pull their fingers out of their asses.

Dave: They need to buy the rights to Red Dwarf and introduce a stable based on the cast.

Dave: Goldberg v Ryback? That'd be LOLage.

Dan: I'd LOL. If LOL means self-harm.

Dave: It's what The Ryback wants. If that means some fans self-harm then so be it.

Dan: Ryback is as relevant as disco.

Dave: So you want Ryback versus Disco Inferno?

Dave: Or Ryback versus Disco Inferno... AND ALEX WRIGHT?

Dave: I want WrestleMania XXX to feature a guest appearance from Stephen Fry in a full length QI segment. Guests to be The Rock, Ryback, Kevin Nash and Booker T.

Dan: Four way dance: Ryback, Horace Hogan, Judy Bagwell vs. Taz (2013 version). Inferno match. On a pole.

Dave: Bret Hart on a pole inferno match?

Dan: First one to Bret Hart gets to tag-team with Alex Riley.

Dave: Bret Hart would no-sell being on a pole like an absolute trooper.

Dan: He'd give the match 4/10 though.

Dave: Loser must star as Jack in a full remake of Lost.

Dan: I'd very much like to see Judy Bagwell replace the lead actor in famous TV shows.

Dave: Commentary team for this consists of Brad Maddox, Gillberg and David Mitchell.

Dan: "IT'S THE ISLAND, KATE!"

 

Dave: I've often thought that about Judy Bagwell. I'd particularly like to see her in recent non-hit Under The Dome. As the male bearded lead, natch.

Dave: Oh, Judy Bagwell. I miss you so much. Thank you for giving us Buff. He is indeed the stuff.

Dan: I think they need more wrestler mother storylines. I miss Shelton Benjamin's momma daily.

Dave: They should have done more with Brodus Clay's "momma" (who looked considerably younger than him) when she made that cameo at WrestleMania.

Dave: You know who'd be perfect for the mother gimmick? Ryback.

Dave: He could start bellowing "Feed me more!" again. And she could do it!

Dan: His mum could be portrayed by a dwarf. Vince would get a kick out of it.

Dave: Interferes in matches to give him tins of spinach. Which cause him to get a burst of energy, like Popeye. At this point the best thing they can do with Ryback is give him a bunch of ludicrous gimmicks. He's not getting the main event back.

Dan: It could be a kind of Freudian situation, where he's unable to say no to anything she says. Including odd sexual gestures towards other wrestlers.

Dave: Until this moment I've never thought "I want to read that person's autobiography." But Vince? I would read that thing cover-to-cover on the day of release. NOBODY has a better combination of interesting life story and mad personality.

Dave: The sexual gestures thing is pure McMahon.

Dan: I know, right? Vince needs to write that. Hold nothing back.

Dave: Like the time he suggested that they do a storyline where he'd gotten Stephanie pregnant. She shot it down... like a ruddy coward!

Dave: Oh, Vince wouldn't hold anything back. If there was a way to write "that" walk he'd do it.

Dave: I want to read stories about him winning shoot fights with jobbers and then telling them "That's why you're at the bottom of the card!"

Dan: If you're going to do Katie Vick, why not that?! I wonder what the explanation for the pregnancy would be. How would they explain it? His grapefruits are SO powerful that they have, through some strange osmosis, impregnated even his own family?

Dave: I always assumed that if they did it that's EXACTLY how they'd end up explaining it. Vince being too sexually potent for his own good is textbook WWE.

Dave: I miss that era of wrestling. The era when Vince was having a mid-life crisis on international television. It made a lovely contrast to the Attitude Era without being TOO different.

Dan: Or they'd drag it out for months, and it would turn out in the end that it was just Hornswoggle's fault. Triple H would come out and deliver the most po-faced, rambling twenty-five minute promo explaining the whole thing.

Dan: 2005-2006 was just pure Vincey-time!

Dave: But it would still be the highlight of that week's television.

Dan: If he wasn't being blown up, he was dropping N-bombs!

Dave: It would end with Vince shaking his first and shouting "Hornswoggleeeeeeeeeeeeee!" like a character from a 70s sitcom.

Dan: Cena appears, shouts “JACK!” then leaves.

Dave: I'd forgotten the exploding limo story that got dropped without explanation (thanks, Benoit!). That's exactly the sort of thing I'd want Vince to write about. He wouldn't care about stuff that's gone wrong. He's that kind of cat.

Dan: End of episode. Cole giggles uncontrollably.

Dave: They could do a YouTube show where Cole is shown clips of fat people falling over, causing him to giggle uncontrollably.

Dan: Benoit. Always ruining perfectly implausible storylines!

Dave: That's why he never got to book.

Dan: "Stop talking about Krispen Wah!"

Dave: He looks like a trout having a stroke.

Dan: Look at Vince's peach suit!

Dave: Only one other man could pull that off: Mark Henry. And he wouldn't do as good a job.

Dan: Vince needs a match at WM 30. I vote for Vince vs Pancake Patterson.

Dan: 'Darren Young on a pole' match. There's a joke in there somewhere.

Dan: Last question: Royal Rumble winner?

Dave: The joke wouldn't be the one you expect. It would be Darren Young balanced precariously atop a Polish person.

Dave: Rumble winner I'm currently leaning toward Punk or Bryan. I don't want to say definitely on Bryan too soon in case his Wyatt Family stint is longer than I expect.

Dan: I'd like somebody out of left-field. Maybe Eva Marie. She seems to be deeply entrenched in the world of wrestling. Didn't she train in the Hart Dungeon?

Dave: Yes. She also did six months in a Japanese dojo and two years under a mask in Mexico.

Dave: She has also worked extensively for SHIMMER.

Dan: Don't forget those two years in ROH.

Dave: First woman to challenge for the ROH championship. She gave Joe a run for his money. The chops she dished out were some of the stiffest I've ever seen.

Dave: And I've seen some stiff chops...

Dave: She'd be a nice challenger for The Streak.

Dan: I say bring Flair out of retirement for a feud.

Dan: This wrestling conversation is 122 comments long.

Dave: Flair versus anyone would be gold. As long as he can chop, apply the figure four and do a Flair flop he's set.

Dave: This is some solid wrestling chat is what it is.

Dan: Where's Mike Takada King when you need him?

Dave: He's staying silent. And stealthy. Like a Japanese ninja.

Dan: He'll come in with a diamond soon. A diamond or a Booker quote.

Dan: AWWWWW......

Dave: Or a Diamond Cutter.

Dan: I haven't watched RAW. Is it worthwhile? I imagine Cena acts heroically dismal.

Dave: This might tease him out.

 

Dave: Cena acts like a medieval dragon slayer.

Dan: QWACKETY QWACK!!

Dave: If that was the NXT commentary team ratings would go through the roof.

Dan: Nash v Booker is the ULTIMATE commentary team.

Dan: Especially white-haired Nash.

Dave: Please note that Booker is not wearing a shirt.

Dan: A leopard-print jacket, but no shirt.

Dave: White-haired Nash is the best kind of Nash.

Dave: Booker no-sells shirts whenever he can.

Dave: Shirts held him down in WCW.

Dan: I just dropped a Ric Flair joke into a conversation about a university black tie event. I said I'd only go if I could dress like this:

 

Dave: Those robes allegedly cost thousands of dollars. You'd have spent more than anyone wearing a tux. You'd need to be prepared to throw it on the floor and elbow drop it. Maybe punch yourself in the forehead until you bleed...

Dan: I'm going to have to go method and knock some people out with my loafers.

Dave: Would you be prepared to do a Flair flop?

Dave: I dread to think what Flair would be like at a university event with alcohol and twenty-something females available to him.

Dan: I'm very prepared.

Dan: It would be his ultimate fuel. More so than an empty ring and the sight of his own blood.

Dan: Ric Flair v Dawn French. WM pre-show.

Dave: If Dawn wins she gets plane tickets back to England. If she loses she has to ride Space Mountain.

Dave: Woooooooooooooooooo!

Dan: My favourite thing is when Flair starts hyperventilating and can only pronounce one word at a time.

Dave: That's serious Flair. You don't wanna mess with serious Flair.

Dan: This video.

Dan: The first ten seconds illustrates this perfectly.

Dan: This is a work of art.

Dave: The bit with the ropes at 1.10...!

Dan: This is what I'm going to do at my university dinner.

Dan: WOOOOOOOOO!

Dave: This is the most perfect Flair video I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot. The best bit is that it's taken from ONE promo!

Dan: I imagine this is how it feels to be inside his mind.

Dave: Modern wrestlers need to learn how to cut an unscripted promo like this.

Dan: Where are his clothes?

Dave: I reckon his clothes were in the crowd before the three minute mark.

Dan: Modern wrestlers need to learn how to cut a SCRIPTED promo.

Dave: I want real personalities on TV. Ric Flair's not playing a character! That was an absolute shoot every Monday night. Woooooooooooooo!

Dave: I'm now watching him cut a promo on Goldberg.

Dave: "The line? The line?! The line! I am the line!" *Flair drops to the floor and rolls from side to side* "I'm the line!"

Dave: Ric Flair is magnificent.

Dan: His hair is magnificent.

Dave: Early 90s Flair had the best hair of all the Flairs.

Dave: I should point out that I like to imagine something akin to the Captain Britain Corps for Flair. All the Flairs of all the eras existing at once, all in different alternate universes.

Dan: "HE JUST RIFLED A GUCCI SHOE!"

Dave: I want to know the context of that and at the same time I don't. It's a magical quote.

Dave: This... this was some solid nonsense.

Dan: I think we should keep it rolling.

Michael: How did this get to 180?

Dave: How did it not get more?

***

¹ Mohnil is an acquaintance of Dan, myself and Michael. He’s a husky gentleman, hence the reference to him guzzling down an entire turkey. We’ve asked him to come onto the podcast several times before but he always says he’s busy. I know this isn’t true, I just can’t prove it.