The Best Thing Going Today

I don’t think there’s anyone in wrestling who’s having as good a 2013 as Dolph Ziggler. From lasting almost fifty minutes in the Royal Rumble to cashing in the Money in the Bank briefcase the night after WrestleMania to being a part of the greatest double turn in sixteen years, he’s having a year packed with memorable moments.

Not even the loss of the World Heavyweight championship has hurt DZ’s momentum. He entered such a convincing performance and was booked so perfectly as the guy who wouldn’t give up that fans were even more into him after the loss than they were before. They empathised with him and wanted to see the unsportsmanlike Alberto Del Rio (and his smarmy sidekick Ricardo, who, when playing a heel, is comparable to Muttley of Dick Dastardly fame) get his comeuppance.

We’re being made to wait for that payback. Which is a smart move. Had Ziggler continually gotten the better of ADR then his status as the gutsy underdog, surely the best way for him to be portrayed now he’s a good guy, could have been jeopardized. ‘The Show Off’ is a guy who picks his spots.

 

Whether you like it, or whether you don't...

 

I’d understand if some people questioned the decision to enter the ex-champion into a feud with 3MB. It’s not a natural follow up or placeholder feud for a guy who’s just lost his first proper world title. Something similar happened to The Miz when he lost the WWE championship (he worked a pay-per-view match with Alex ‘Plank of Wood’ Riley) and he’s in no danger of headlining a pay-per-view any time soon.

But I don’t question the move. The mini-feud with 3MB has been designed to encourage cheers for Ziggler and creating a reason for him not to constantly be attacking ADR. It’s achieved those goals. It was a short term thing and has already been consigned to the history books, along with Ziggler’s stint as Chavo Guerrero’s caddy and his penchant for cheerleader outfits.

It will take a lot for WWE to mess up Dolph’s popularity at the moment. That’s not to say they can’t or won’t, but that they’d almost have to actively try to do so. He’s what fans seem to want right now: someone who’s earned their way to the top, can cut a damn fine promo, and doesn’t wrestle like John Cena. As far as WWE goes, Dolph Ziggler really is the best thing going today.

'Mania Moment

We're three weeks away from WrestleMania XXIX and a man many thought would be featured in a key, or at least purposeful, match currently has nothing to do. I'm talking, of course, about Chris Jericho.

When he returned at the Royal Rumble Jericho got one of the loudest roars of the night. Fans went wild for the guy. The opening two minutes saw Jericho clash with Dolph Ziggler in one of hottest portions of the match and the show. Once a few more names were added it became clear that 'The Highlight of the Night' had in part been installed to hold the match together. He did so and did so well. He entered a charismatic, commanding performance. A meaningful programme for the following months seemed inevitable.

The following evening on RAW 'Y2J' briefly flirted with resuming his programme with Ziggler full time. It wasn't to be. By the time Elimination Chamber rolled around three weeks later Jericho had been entered into the titular cage bout while 'The Show Off' had been left off the announced card altogether (he ended up having a random match with Kofi Kingston). We're going to have to carry on waiting for the resumption of that rivalry.

Since the Chamber PPV Jericho has done nothing that gives a clear hint of what he'll be doing at WrestleMania, which makes me think nothing's been finalised for him yet (which seems to be the case for a lot of guys). A three-way feud between Jericho, Miz and Intercontinental champ Wade Barrett was teased but for reasons known only to WWE that match has been announced for this evening's edition of RAW.

It's possible the RAW match will end in a DQ or no contest in order to set up a rematch at WrestleMania. If so it's a strange way of booking things: having the match advertised for RAW and then transplanted to the pay-per-view makes it clear that it's a RAW level outing. It's also traditional for three-way feuds to feature various singles and tag team matches before a triple threat is booked.

Nobody needs to see this guy with the IC belt again

Personally is rather see Jericho do something else and have Barrett and 'The Awesome One' continue in a singles feud. The three-way alternative would feature an outnumbered heel (never a good thing) and potentially awkward styles clashes with each of the three trying to provide slick triple threat exchanges. Should Jericho have one of his famed calamitous off nights it could be a disaster.

A few weeks ago I went so far as to write an article listing all the things Jericho could be used for between January and April (read it here). It seems what was an obvious wealth of possibilities for me was a generic signing to WWE's writing team. I'm surprised by this. You'd think WWE would plan something worthwhile for a guy of Jericho's talent.

It's not that his televised matches since he returned haven't been worthwhile, it's that with no clear purpose 'Y2J' is just another guy treading water. I'm not advocating a world title match or Streak challenge for him, but I do think he should be doing something with some merit or a plan behind it. The rumours of a Jericho versus Fandango match are emphatically not what I have in mind.

That RAW Recap 28.01.13

This is blog post 434. Considering the title reign that ended on Sunday night I feel that warrants a mention.

The January 28^th RAW was never going to hit the heady heights of the Royal Rumble. The previous evening’s pay-per-view was WWE’s greatest show in months, failing to deliver a single duff match and setting several of the company’s key figures off on the Road to WrestleMania in spectacular fashion. RAW could be great, but it couldn’t be better.

Thankfully WWE didn’t let its audience down. It delivered a hot show for the second night in a row, aided and abetted by a loud and receptive crowd in Las Vegas.

The evening kicked off with former WWE champion CM Punk storming down to the ring with Paul Heyman in tow. Taking a microphone Punk announced that it was day 435 of his title reign because he had beaten The Rock at the Rumble. Which was true, if you overlook the fact that the match was restarted (which Punk stated was “illegal”). Punk then stated that because of his victory he was the new, and reigning, People’s champion.

Moments later Punk indirectly acknowledged that he was not the WWE champion anymore, which made his previous statements odd. It was another case on a growing list of Punk being given a little too much free rein on the microphone. Contradictory promos like this do neither him nor the company any favours.

Vince McMahon interrupted Punk’s vague ranting to inform him, Heyman and the crowd that he would be giving Heyman a performance review later on in the evening. Yes, Paul Heyman, who had returned to the company as an independently hired legal advisor to Brock Lesnar before entering into an independent managerial relationship with Punk, was going to be subjected to an employee performance review. That’s WWE logic for you.

Hour two of the show kicked off with John Cena handing Cody Rhodes a quick loss. ‘The Magnificence of Moustachioed Excellence’ had had a very productive evening in the Royal Rumble match the night before so of course that good work had to be undone by Cena. If it hadn’t been then maybe Rhodes could have been seen as a rising star. Cena can’t be having that.

Following the tussle ‘The Franchise’ grabbed a microphone and cut a promo that was almost, but not quite, as bizarre as the one he cut last week to hype the Rumble match. Cena went to painstaking lengths to make it clear that if he wrestles either The Rock or CM Punk for the WWE championship the odds will be against him. He lost his one and only match against ‘The Great One’ and has fallen to Punk the last six times they’ve clashed.

I’ve no idea why Cena was scripted to come out with this rubbish. Firstly his mention of facing Punk was irrelevant. The Rock is the current champ so he’s the one Cena would be facing. Punk could regain the title by WrestleMania but Cena didn’t phrase things that way. The way he was talking it was as though Punk v Rock was still yet to happen.

Cena’s words also did no favours to Alberto Del Rio. ‘The CeNation Leader’ didn’t mention the World Heavyweight champion by name but he did say that he had a better statistical chance of winning that title. In other words ADR is not in the same league as The Rock or CM Punk. That’s true, he’s not. But Cena shouldn’t be saying it.

The Rumble winner milked his decision for a few seconds before announcing that he would challenge for the WWE championship at WrestleMania XXIX. Yes, Cena will go against the odds and try to become an eleven time WWE champ!

The Shield ran in to attack Cena. He fought them off for a moment, because he’s John Cena. Eventually he went down and Sheamus and Ryback came out to make the save. They got flattened too. A Shield v Cena and two partners match at Elimination Chamber seems a strong possibility. ‘Big Hungry’ would be a likely second man for the face team. Sheamus could be a third but he’s just as likely to go into the SmackDown WHC bout. Then again we could just see a three-on-two handicap match.

The Rock came out to make a well received victory speech. He put over being an eight time champion as the most prestigious accolade of his career. That was exactly the right approach. Making it clear that title means something to him makes it mean more in the eyes of fans. If that’s the case then people are more likely to care when a title change occurs. As WWE expects people to pay money to watch title defences that’s a good thing.

Something tells me this guy won't be having a 434 day title reign

Punk crashed the party to call Rock a thief. He said he would grant The Rock a rematch at Elimination Chamber, another comment that was probably supposed to make a deep and meaningful sense but didn’t. Rock agreed. Perhaps Cena’s promo was originally due to go on after this exchange. That would explain why he was uncertain who he’d face despite there being no announced return bout when he opened his gob.

A singles match at Elimination Chamber is absolutely the right thing for the show. Putting Punk and Rock into a Chamber bout together would dilute the importance of their rivalry. It would also result in numerous performers being treated like jobbers in order to clear the way for Rock and Punk to clash as the final two men in the cage. Considering the thin spread of headliners on the current roster it’d be a struggle to lash together two Chamber bouts anyway. Better to concentrate the star power in an Elimination Chamber for the World Heavyweight belt.

The evening ended with Vince McMahon’s performance review of Paul Heyman. The former ECW boss admitted that he lies every day because he is a promoter. That is, apparently, the sole defining trait of people in this line of work. Well, that and promoting.

Vince asked Heyman if he was involved with either Brad Maddox or The Shield. Heyman said he was not. The chairman then introduced backstage footage that revealed that Heyman was lying. It saw Heyman in a dimly lit area of an arena (in LA according to Vince) telling Maddox that his services are no longer required.

Maddox had apparently been manoeuvred into position as a referee by Punk and Heyman with the intention of having him aid ‘The Voice of the Voiceless’ in title defences, including at Hell in a Cell (which he did). But instead of being happy to aid the champ as and when required Maddox had constantly badgered him for cash.

Heyman then introduced The Shield, who were happy to be paid as and when they were offered “work”. The trio then battered Maddox and his cameraman as Heyman wandered off.

I liked this reveal. I like the concept of Punk using NXT as his own personal recruitment service. I liked Ambrose, Rollins, and Reigns being depicted as hired mercenaries. At this point it’s the best way to go with their characters. It allows them to move away from having mysterious motives and getting on with having more conventional feuds (such as their developing problems with Sheamus and Ryback) while still allowing them to interfere in larger matches. It also created a reason for The Brad Maddox Experience to happen in the first place.

Vince doesn't like selling. We're lucky he didn't do a kip up

Vince went to fire Heyman only to be interrupted by the entrance music of Brock Lesnar. ‘The Pain’ sauntered to the ring and stood nose-to-nose with Vince. Heyman tried to talk his charge out of whatever his plans were (it was played as though he had no knowledge of what Lesnar was doing, although considering what had just happened that’s probably not the case). Naturally the 67-year-old Vince didn’t back down to the former UFC champion. That’s not his style. Because of this lack of humility, and sense, Vince was hoisted up to take an F5.

Lesnar then stood back up and did his trademark Irish jig before exiting the ring. RAW went off the air with a pensioner lying motionless in the ring.

The build to Triple H v Brock Lesnar II has begun, as has the Road to WrestleMania.

Royal Rumble 2013 review

WWE are going to find it tough to top the Royal Rumble on pay-per-view this year. Every match on the show met expectations and two, in my opinion, surpassed them. The company’s going to need something special up its sleeve if WrestleMania XXIX is to achieve that.

The evening opened with the World Heavyweight championship match between Alberto Del Rio and Big Show. ADR had dethroned ‘The Giant’ in a Last Man standing bout at the January 8^th SmackDown taping, which made them clashing under Last man Standing rules again here a little puzzling. What was even odder was that WWE had neither emphasised the gimmick reuse nor tried to hide it. It was as though it was simply an oversight that the two were facing off in the same sort of match again so soon.

The match was an improvement on their SmackDown battle. As that was a good match bettering it was quite an achievement. The two started out with a heated, pacey exchange in the ring, notable for Del Rio doing more top rope manoeuvres than we’re used to from him (designed to solidify his babyface position), before Show grabbed a chair.

That started phase two of the match. The champ got the chair off the challenger following a swift kick and then battered him with numerous shots. Soon after the two were out at ringside for a spot of brawling. Show went all CZW and cracked ‘The Latin Hero’ with a light tube in the entrance area, proving it was a real light by smashing it to pieces after he’d belted Del Rio. Moments later the two were on top of a piece of entrance scaffolding for ADR to take a choke slam through a table.

Both were impressive spots which combined to create a convincing false finish, not something easily done in a Last Man Standing match. This was even more impressive when you consider how certain everyone was that Del Rio was going to win.

 

This match featured a lot of chair shots

 

Back at ringside Ricardo took an impressive bump into the barricade before ‘The World’s Largest Athlete’ ploughed through one himself. ‘The Essence of Excellence’ went back to his trusty chair shots to wear Show out before rolling him back into the ring and applying the cross armbreaker. With that locked in Ricardo taped Show’s feet to the bottom rope with duct tape. The champ then released the hold and stood up to get the victory.

It was a slightly iffy finish that didn’t really do much to help get ADR over as a valiant babyface but the rest of the bout was great. Del Rio and Rodriguez have moved into their new roles far better than I thought they would while Big Show is proving that he’s not only a late bloomer but also a worthy addition to the main event under the right circumstances.

Backstage Matt Striker was scared off from interviewing Dolph Ziggler by Big E Langston. ‘The Show Off’ revealed he’d enter the Rumble at number one. He then announced his plan to win the Rumble, cash-in his Money in the Bank case, win the World title, and unify the two world titles at WrestleMania. The segment was also memorable for Big E doing a comedy reporter voice that showed why he’s so rarely given mic time.

Match two was the WWE tag team title match. Team Hell No defended their belts against the Rhodes Scholars. I’d said before the event that the best result for this one would be a title change. That would have provided a reason for the teams to keep their feud going and given the doubles scene a boost it’s needed for a month or two.

The match itself was enjoyable. It was slightly better than what you’d get from these teams on TV. I’m not entirely sure what’s next for them all now. Team Hell No have between the Scholars so many times that continuing the programme seems pointless. It’s possible the Scholars will be split, considering what happened to Cody in the Rumble (which will be discussed below). WWE seem intent on milking the Kane and Bryan comedy for all its worth even though their partnership became largely unamusing months ago.

Match three was the Royal Rumble match itself. Pleasingly, it was a far better effort than last year’s. It had a more predictable winner, yes, but the pacing was better and there were a larger number of meaningful names involved.

‘The Heel’ kicked things off with a brief promo about how he was going to win and didn’t want to wait a minute and a half for entrant number two. He demanded the second man be sent out straight away.

It was Chris Jericho.

‘Y2J’ received one of the biggest pops of the night and was incredibly over throughout his lengthy stay in the multi-man battle. Ziggler sold Jericho’s appearance perfectly. They were joined by Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston and Santino. ‘The Milan Miracle’ got the dubious honour of being the first man eliminated from the bout, with ‘The Dashing One’ picking up the accolade of first man to make an elimination.

Drew McIntyre and Titus O’Neil bulked up the numbers before the surprise return of Goldust at number eight. He and Rhodes, half-brothers, immediately targeted one another (Rhodes would eventually eliminate ‘The Golden One’). The crowd were far more into this than I would have thought. Both men lobbied to face off at WrestleMania XXVIII last year. After the reaction their battle in the Rumble received perhaps they’ll get their wish this year.

David Otunga and Heath Slater were in next, followed by Sheamus at number eleven. ‘Great White’ got a loud and positive reaction, which surely had to be at least in part because he was the first potential winner and genuine main eventer to appear since Ziggler and Jericho. He made quick work of O’Neil and Otunga, eliminating them via his ten punch in the ropes spot. That was as nauseating as it sounds.

Tensai and Brodus Clay followed ‘The Celtic Warrior’ in. The former IWGP and GHC tag team champion was eliminated fairly quickly by Kofi Kingston, proving that he will never again be a featured performer in WWE. ‘The Funkasaurus’ was eliminated via team effort. Why he was given even that much protection is beyond me. WWE gave up on him months ago.

As “Fat Albert” lollygagged at ringside Kofi was booted off of the apron by Ziggler. He avoided exiting the match by landing on Tensai’s back. From there he got onto the Spanish announce table. It looked as though he was going to try leaping from there to the apron. In the end that didn’t happen. He shuffled back to the ring on JBL’s chair.

The sequence was decidedly less spectacular than the handstand one Kofi was a part of last year.

Rey Mysterio and Darren Young were numbers fourteen and fifteen. The masked man may as well not have bothered. He did nothing memorable and clearly wasn’t in the shape as he usually is. The spot would have been better used on someone who could have gotten a return pop (such as Christian, Mark Henry or Jack Swagger) or benefited from the exposure (such as R-Truth or Yoshi Tatsu).

Bo Dallas was next. Never heard of him? Most people haven’t. He’s an NXT guy who won a tournament to earn a spot in the Rumble. He ended up eliminating Intercontinental champion Wade Barrett, which probably indicates he’ll be sticking around on the main roster to feud with the man from Preston. That could be good. It could certainly help establish Dallas as a meaningful member of the roster.

Speaking of Barrett he entered at eighteen, one after The Godfather. Yes, The Godfather. Being a surprise entrant he was always going to get a huge response but I wouldn’t have guessed it’d be this big. He lasted around three seconds once he finally got into the ring. His music didn’t even cut off, meaning he got to exit to it as well. Yeah, Godfather went a little New Jack on us.

John Cena went in at nineteen and predictably blasted through everyone. He quickly eliminated Cody Rhodes, who had been having a decent night until this point, and Heath Slater. It could have been worse. While Cena flattened everyone at least his number of immediate eliminations were kept mercifully low.

‘The Franchise’ was followed by Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Antonio Cesaro, The Great Khali, Kane, and Zack Ryder. It was a quiet patch as far as big names were concerned, broken by the entrance of Randy Orton at twenty six. The match was rounded out by Jinder Mahal, The Miz, Sin Cara and Ryback.

‘Big Hungry’ aside it was a fairly anti-climactic final few.

The clean-up process started. Ryback made quick work of Sin Cara, Damien Sandow and ‘The Awesome One’ and would eventually eliminate ‘The Viper’ during the Final Four Sequence™. Ziggler superkicked ‘The Highlight of the Night’ out of the bout. ‘The Apex Predator’ went out to a meathook clothesline after a failed RKO attempt on Ryback. The last four men in were Ziggler, Cena, Ryback and Sheamus. The ironically nicknamed ‘Sole Survivor’ was tossed out by Sheamus, who was thrown out a few minutes later by Ryback.

That left ‘The Human Wrecking Ball’ alone with Cena.

It had been fairly obvious going in that Cena would win the Rumble to begin the setup for his rematch with The Rock. With that in mind it made sense to have him throw Ryback out last. As one of the most heavily pushed men of the past several months it just seemed possible that WWE could swerve its audience and have Ryback win. The possibility of him challenging for the WHC helped there: it would have allowed someone other than Cena to win without Rock v Cena II being affected.

 

As usual ring psychology deserted Mr Cena

 

That’s not what happened though. WWE went with the predictable Cena victory. On the surface that’s not something to be thrilled about. Cena won yet another match that could have been used to elevate someone else on the roster. Yes, it’s an annoyance, but it’s not that bad a move. Everyone suspected WWE would start building towards the Rock and Cena rematch. Doing so has allowed them to keep the direction of the World title feud a secret for a while longer. Had anybody but Cena won we would have kknown months ahead of the event who would be in both world title matches, rather than just one.

Considering how little attention was paid to the Rumble match itself in the build-up to the event I think WWE turned out an astonishingly good instalment. There weren’t as many surprise entrants as I’d expected but the ones that did participate all made sense and weren’t just frivolous inclusions. They all contributed something, whether it was the simple pop of The Godfather or the lengthy spell of Chris Jericho (done in part to ensure there was a veteran present to lead proceedings).

The Rock cut a pre-match promo in the style of a televangelist which saw him declare he’d become the new WWE champion. He also mentioned his doomed football career and that his mother was present and suffering from cancer. So that was something.

CM Punk was given another reason to complain about being disrespected when he was sent out to the ring first. Traditionally the champion goes out last. I can only assume tradition goes out of the window when a Hollywood movie star is the challenger.

 

This guy brings it. Whatever "it" is...

 

The match was far better than ‘The Great One’s’ outing against John Cena at ‘Mania last year. It started off with the two dashing into the centre of the ring and peppering one another with shots. The crowd were split but it was immediately clear that more spectators favoured The Rock over Punk.

A good portion of Attitude Era shortcuts were employed. There was a healthy amount of ringside brawling, outside interference from Paul Heyman, and a very relaxed approach to count outs from Mike Chioda. All that was missing was a ref bump.

The way in which The Rock sold Punk’s kicks was noteworthy. He made it look like they, y’know, actually hurt. It was a far cry from John Cena’s reaction to them. For that matter it was a far cry from ‘The Brahma Bull’s’ lacklustre selling of Miz and R-Truth’s offence at Survivor Series 2011.

Predictably the fast pace couldn’t be held indefinitely. Rock went down to a rest hold within the first five minutes. ‘The Second City Saint’ remained in control for the next several minutes by concentrating on Rock’s mid-section. A storyline tweak of Punk’s “surgically repaired” knee created an opening for the challenger. Rock went after the knee with stomps. Punk retaliated with a suicide dive to the outside, handily obliterating the illusion of the knee being injured.

Punk went for a GTS. Rock countered with a Sharpshooter attempt. That was rolled into the Anaconda Vice, giving us one of the match’s slickest wrestling moments. Rock went for another Rock Bottom, only to have Punk reverse into a crucifix. Rock rolled through that pin attempt and finally locked in the Sharpshooter. Punk escaped sold for a bit before escaping.

They made their way outside and onto the Spanish announce table. Punk signalled for a GTS but ‘The Great One’ snatched him in for a Rock Bottom. That didn’t end up happening: the table collapsed. Kofi Kingston was probably to blame. They did the move again on the mats to set up a Rock near fall back in the ring.

Moments later Rock nailed the spinebuster and went for a People’s Elbow. The crowd naturally roared their approval. Seconds before he connected the lights went out. Was it the Undertaker? Sabu? Brad Maddox?

No, it was The Shield. Or so we were told by Michael Cole. We couldn’t be sure ourselves because the lights didn’t come back on. Cole, now a babyface (and, apparently, a man with the ability to see in the dark), had no reason to lie though, and whoever the three men were they power bombed The Rock through the remaining announce table. Rollins, Reigns and Ambrose certainly seemed likely suspects.

The lights came back up and we saw Punk lying in the ring laughing. Cole continued screeching at ringside as Punk retrieved his challenger and pinned him in the ring to retain the WWE championship.

Punk and Heyman celebrated in the ring until Vinnie Mac power walked his way out and reminded everyone that he had ruled Punk would be stripped of the title should The Shield interfere. He begun making the announcement but was interrupted by The Rock. ‘The Great One’ demanded the match be restarted so that he, not Vince, could take the belt from Punk. If there’s one thing Vince loves it’s a celebrity so he restarted the match.

Punk launched himself at the ring, stomping and choking him before hitting his corner knee and the Macho Elbow. Rock, naturally, kicked out. Punk signalled for a Go to Sleep but Rock slipped out and hit a spinebuster followed by a People’s Elbow for the three. Punk’s 434 day title reign ended in a fittingly big fight atmosphere and a fittingly big event.

As much as I would have liked to see CM Punk retain the WWE championship I can’t deny this was the right finish. The crowd went wild for The Rock’s win, and having the number one title in the company on a legitimate movie star during WWE’s peak period is going to help the WrestleMania buy rate. Punk had to drop the belt sooner or later, at least this way it was in a big match to a big name opponent that should have earned WWE a large amount of money.

Although the post-Rumble RAW hasn’t aired yet it seems reasonable to assume that the Rock v Cena rematch is going to be setup for WrestleMania. That leaves Punk free to head into a clash with the Undertaker, after failing to regain the title at Elimination Chamber of course.

These two matches are predictable, yes, but that doesn’t make them bad. Cena and Rock could improve on their match from last year by modelling their rematch on the Rumble main event. Setting a quick pace for the first several minutes before going to rest holds and ringside brawling is a model that allows for shortcuts. Rock’s a very charismatic man, but he’s not the wrestler he once was. Shortcuts are of great benefit to him. Meanwhile Cena is Cena. He always needs shortcuts.

The rematch isn’t my idea of a great match, but then I’m not WWE’s only customer. The chances are that if you’re reading this blog you probably don’t want to see Rock v Cena II either. But we’re in the minority. Most of WWE’s fanbase are kids and casual viewers, most of whom want to see Cena get his win back on The Rock, or at least interested in the potential of a return outing, and will pay to see him do it.

Punk and Undertaker should be a great match if it happens. The now former champion has been elevated so much over the past year that I think with the right build a decent number of people could be convinced that he’ll end ‘The Dead Man’s’ Streak.

As I noted above the rest of the card is a blissful blank. Yes we have two long rumoured bouts looking more certain than ever, but that’s not a bad thing when the rest of the card’s a complete mystery. WWE have all but confirmed the two matches that are most going to sell WrestleMania XXIX and left themselves free to reveal the rest of the show at their own pace. It’s a smart move that should make television shows interesting for the next month or so.

Royal Rumble was a success in the ring and out. It was a good first step on the Road to WrestleMania. That’s everything we could have hoped for.

The Mid-Card Old Guard

Over the last several months we’ve seen more time devoted to the middle of the card in WWE. This used to be one of the promotion’s most reliable areas but as the number of established headliners has dwindled so has the group’s willingness to dedicate time to anyone not a member of the elite. Which has, of course, only made the situation worse: main event stars aren’t made overnight, a thriving mid-card is key to making the stars of tomorrow.

I’m not sure what it is that’s convinced WWE to change their tack. A strong possibility is Triple H’s ascension to Official Number Two. With ‘The Game’ having gained more clout backstage it’s possible this refocus is down to him. His successful reshuffle of the developmental system certainly hints at his involvement.

It could be that WWE are happy with how CM Punk has progressed over the last year and a half. In June 2011 he was a reliable upper mid-card talent. In January 2013 he is the promotion’s number two (regular) star behind John Cena. That’s a decent leap in an impressive amount of time. It happened because of Punk’s hard work and WWE’s decision to give him the chance to prove he could succeed. Perhaps his rise has made them think about other wrestlers making a similar move up the card.

It could simply be that a breaking point was reached and head honcho Vince McMahon realised he needed to create some new stars before a bad situation becomes worse and that paying attention to the lower reaches of the card was the best way of doing that. Cena and Punk are still on TV every Monday night, and The Rock’s with the company on a part time basis. Best to start building up new stars now while people are still watching rather than waiting until Cena and Punk go part time and ‘The Great One’ leaves for good, further denting the viewing numbers.

Whatever has caused WWE to re-evaluate the way they book their mid-card acts I’m pleased they have. It’s been needed for a long time and is crucial to the future success of the promotion and the business in general.

Current beneficiaries of this reshuffle are Wade Barrett, Antonio Cesaro, Damien Sandow, Cody Rhodes, and, of course, Ryback. Each man has, to a greater or lesser extent, has found themselves receiving an increased number of high profile matches and opportunities to impress over the last six months.

Until recently Kofi Kingston was on that list too. For whatever reason I don’t think he can be considered a prominent member of the rising star club anymore. Since dropping the Intercontinental championship clean to Barrett at the Boxing Day RAW recording he has failed to gain any meaningful screen time. Based on the last couple of weeks I think ‘The Wildcat’, who had seemed like he was being treated as something special last autumn, is going to be playing a supporting part for the foreseeable future.

He won’t be the only one. WWE are apparently keen on bringing back several career mid-carders from the past to help the current batch of climbers improve and hone their skills. The rehirees apparently won’t be getting strong pushes of their own, they’ll be there to enhance and guide.

As ideas go it’s not a bad one. Rumoured names such as Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, and MVP would all be perfect for the stated role. All of them have strengths that could be transferred to the likes of Ryback. They’d be like a more active, more televisually prominent crew of road agents. With Shelton and Carlito having been spotted in Phoenix over the last few days there’s a strong chance they’ll make their returns as “surprise” entrants in this evening’s Royal Rumble.

 

Judging by his hair Carlito's been sleeping rough since leaving WWE

 

In addition to those three guys it would be nice to see names like John Morrison, Colt Cabana, Brian Kendrick and Paul London considered too. All could help brighten up the middle of the card. If treated right, and if WWE were willing, these men could stumble into pushes of their own too. It’s hard to see how them getting over and making WWE some money would be bad.

Although, of course, it would be. WWE is very particular about who is awarded pushes these days. This initiative seems to be a way of creating a new level of enhancement talent. The planned rehires likely wouldn’t be getting jobbed out every week but equally it doesn’t sound as though they’d be getting serious pushes. Anyone getting over could be seen as not performing the job they were hired to do: namely to help others gets over.

It’s a double edged sword for anyone heading back to WWE to be a part of this plan. They most likely got into wrestling to make it to WWE and become a significant part of the company. Should they quash their own dreams to get a decent paycheque and help other guys who are perhaps more limited surpass them? That sounds like a bitter pill to swallow.

Hopefully the likes of Shelton Benjamin, who currently seems like the frontrunner to head back to WWE having negotiated his way out of his ROH contract, know what they’re in for and are willing to temper their own abilities in order to aid others. If WWE gives the returning men a little leeway to earn higher spots on the roster this could be just what’s needed to reinvigorate the mid-card and create some new stars, whether they’re chosen ones or not.

Royal Rumble 2013 preview

Finally... The Rock will wrestle a WWE championship match. See what I did there? I could be wrong but I'm fairly sure the last time 'The Great One' was involved in a match for the WWE title was at SummerSlam 2002 when he lost it to Brock Lesnar. Coincidentally Paul Heyman was at ringside for that bout as he will be when Rock challenges CM Punk at the Royal Rumble on Sunday.
 
Rock versus Punk is very clearly the biggest match of Sunday's card, overshadowing even the Royal Rumble itself. Personally I think it should go on last because there's no way the Rumble, no matter how many high spots are included, unexpected surprise entrants there are, or who ends up winning, will top this clash.
  
Punk's title reign has famously lasted well over a year but there have been very few occasions when it's felt like he could lose the belt. Being booked strongly has meant that more often than not he’s been the favourite going into defences. There has been a very real lack of credible opposition. Only two men have come close to looking like they could take the gold from him: John Cena and Ryback.
 
Cena could have beaten 'The Second City Saint' to setup his rematch with The Rock earlier than expected. Ryback could have beaten Punk to continue his ascension through the ranks. Both men seemed plausible replacements as champion, unlike previous challengers such as Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, and Chris Jericho.
 
Rock is only the third man in over a year to pose a credible challenge to the WWE championship. On the surface he would appear to be the favourite. Putting the championship on the company's number one draw during the build-up to the biggest wrestling show of the year would be perfectly sensible. It would encourage plenty of mainstream news coverage, something that WWE (and any other wrestling promotion worth its salt) is always keen to have.
 
On top of that The Rock has guaranteed victory. That's not something to be taken lightly.

WWE has a habit of scripting their top babyfaces to only promise a win when they're actually going to pull it off (a positive for working in a predetermined industry). It's something I first noticed over a decade ago when 'The Brahma Bull' was still a regular on the roster. He would only "guaran-damn-tee" a win if he was going over at the next PPV. If he wasn't set to win he'd run through the regular babyface spiel but omit a guarantee.
 
Perhaps I'm reading too far into things. But it is a fact that The Rock only ever used that word when he was set to win. It's also a fact that he used it on the January 14^th RAW.
 
That said a win for The Rock is not a foregone conclusion. The WWE writing team have done a very good job of setting up various strands that could become factors in this match.
 
First of all there's Paul Heyman at ringside. He could be used as a distraction throughout the bout. It's not impossible to imagine him sacrificing himself into a Rock Bottom to allow Punk to sneak in a match winning GTS. There's The Shield. Vince McMahon may have ruled that if they interfere Punk will be stripped of the belt but that doesn’t mean we definitely won’t see them. They could attack Rock before the bell rings, for example. There's Brad Maddox. He could either be used as a rogue referee or just as general bump fodder, running in to save Punk from getting pinned.
 
There's even Vickie Guerrero. The writing team went out of their way to establish friction between her and The Rock on the January 14^th RAW and continue the theme on the January 21^st show. That could certainly indicate Vickie will play a factor at the Rumble. She could add a no DQ stipulation, which would favour Punk, or appoint Maddox as the referee.
 
Plenty of options for wackily booked outside interference doesn't indicate a win for one guy or the other. Punk's shenanigans could gain him a(nother) tainted victory or Rock could be the valiant babyface and overcome everything to capture the gold. Based on the current booking alone it could go either way.

The man who would be champ

  
Realistically there's only one way to predict a winner here. It's to ask who's more likely to head into WrestleMania as WWE champion. Punk is rumoured to be the Undertaker's opponent this year. If that's the case then he's going to lose the title before WrestleMania. 'The Dead Man', being a part timer, won't win the title again. That means Punk can't enter that match as champion. If that’s the case then he will need to drop the strap before WrestleMania. That could happen at Elimination Chamber, but having him survive The Rock only to lose the belt three weeks later would seem anti-climactic.

‘The Brahma Bull’ is rumoured to be facing John Cena or Brock Lesnar in New Jersey. The likelihood is we’re going to see Rock v Cena II. Making the rematch a bigger deal than the first encounter would obviously be desirable. The best way of doing that is to include the WWE championship.

All of which means The Rock has to be considered the favourite at the Rumble. If he wins he’ll essentially be a transitional champion to get the belt back onto Cena. Not that that matters. It will be good for business. That’s what matters.
 
This prediction doesn’t reflect my personal wishes. I would love to see Punk's second WWE title run continue. I enjoy lengthy reigns and I think Punk has been consistently good enough in the role to warrant his time at the top continuing. Sadly WWE don’t consult me on booking decisions.
 
Moving onto the rest of the card there are four other matches announced: a tag match, two other singles matches, and the Royal Rumble match. All bar the Rumble are for titles. The Rumble match is, of course, for a shot at either of WWE's two world belts at WrestleMania XXIX.
 
The other world championship will be defended by your favourite Latin Hero and mine, Alberto Del Rio. His opponent will be the former World Heavyweight champion, Big Show. Yes, for the second year in a row 'The Giant' will wrestle for the WHC at the Royal Rumble. If that doesn't illustrate the lack of depth of the WWE headline roster I don't know what does.
 
As was the case with their encounter on the January 11^th SmackDown this will be fought under Last Man Standing rules. That SmackDown match was surprisingly enjoyable and I've been amazed at how well Del Rio has transferred to the good guy role so there's every chance this will be a heated encounter.
 
The smart thing to do would be to open the show with this match and not have them out there for too long. 'The World's Largest Athlete' is not served well by long bouts. Opening with this would kick off the evening with something big and keeping the bout short would not only ensure Show doesn't blow up but would also mean the two don't have to worry about holding any big spots off for the latter portion. It would serve as an action packed opener.
 
I'll be surprised if Big Show regains the championship here. Why would Del Rio win it only to drop it back to the same guy three weeks later?
 
The rivalry between Team Hell No and The Rhodes Scholars could have been excellent. All four can produce great matches when given the time and all have firm enough handles on their characters to contribute amusing segments to TV. It's surprising then just how little the two units have interacted since their programme started three months ago. They've spent most of their time teaming up with random singles wrestlers for six mans. Considering how popular Kane and Bryan were when they were first put together this has to be considered a missed opportunity.
 
The time seems right for the doubles belts to change hands. Not only would it give the teams a reason to continue clashing (does anyone remember what started their dispute?) and possibly liven up their feud but it would also freshen up the tag scene. Both would be nice to see.

The US title match, being on the pre-show, probably won’t feature a title change. It should be an entertaining affair served well by the first match pop. If The Miz is going to beat Cesaro for the belt it’ll probably happen at Elimination Chamber.
 
Finally there's the Royal Rumble match. As I noted in my preview of last year's event (read it here) it's practically impossible to pick a winner for the Rumble. Not only is WWE's long term planning fairly lacklustre but the group has displayed a willingness to alter what plans it does have if too many fans correctly guess an outcome. Yes, that is a stupid reason for changing plans. Welcome to the mind of Vince McMahon.
 
There are three realistic candidates in my eyes. Top of the list is John Cena. If he doesn't get a rematch with The Rock at this year's WrestleMania what's he going to do instead? There's time for something else to be set up for both him and Rock but everything we've seen and heard over the last several months indicates a Cena v Rock rematch. The only event that befits that bout is WrestleMania. The simplest way of setting it up is to have 'The Franchise' win the annual battle royal and have Rock beat Punk.
 
The second likeliest guy to win, and he's a distant second, is Randy Orton. A Rumble victory could put 'The Viper' on course to tackle Alberto Del Rio for the World title at WrestleMania. An Orton versus Rock clash is possible too, but not particularly likely. If WWE were planning that they'd have hinted at it by now.
 
What goes against the idea of 'The Apex Predator' winning is his rumoured heel turn. Having him lose this match would add to the list of reasons the character has for going bad. It adds to his frustrations with the WWE system. The best thing for the Orton character is to come close to winning before getting eliminated by whoever he's facing at 'Mania (probably Sheamus).
 
The third and final man I think should be considered is Ryback. As the man WWE are most keen to elevate the possibility of 'The Human Wrecking Ball' winning here can't be ignored. Granted it's tough to imagine him facing any of the company's biggest names at 'Mania but that doesn't mean it won't happen. The Royal Rumble is traditionally used as a starting point for title feuds at WrestleMania after all. What seems unlikely now could seem obvious with hindsight next Monday morning.
 
As we don’t know everyone who’ll be entering the match it would be easier to say who won't win. But that would take too long.
 
Speaking of who’ll be in the match it’s probably best not to take any lists of entrants you may come across to heart. The likes of Cena, Orton, Sheamus, Ziggler and the rest of the main event crew are going to appear. Beyond that nothing can be certain. Even comedy favourites 3MB, who were among the earliest to declare their entry into the bout, won't necessarily compete. WWE has a nasty track record of breaking their promises with this sort of thing, particularly with regards to the Rumble.
 
We can be hopeful of some surprises though. I wrote a completely separate entry on that subject last month so for extended thoughts give that a read here. The short version is that Chris Jericho and-or Batista could both make one off appearances and that this would be an ideal time to reintroduce John Morrison, Shelton Benjamin and MVP, all of whom are rumoured to be on the rehire list, to the roster.
 
The man I'm going to pick to win is John Cena. We've had a couple of years of relatively surprising winners. WWE can afford to go with something thoroughly predictable this year. We should be more concerned with how well the match is booked than who's going to win anyway. After a humdrum match last year and only a so-so effort the year before something special needs to be done here in order to maintain the perception that Royal Rumble is a special event.
 
At the moment this looks like a show with lots of potential for excitement. Obviously the matches everyone cares about are the multi-man tussle and the WWE championship match. The other two bouts could be decent but ultimately their quality is irrelevant. This show's status as a hit or a miss depends on the success, or lack thereof, of the two big matches.
 
Everyone involved knows what's at stake. With this being the launching pad for WrestleMania XXIX's line-up I'm confident WWE won’t disappoint.
 
Predictions summary:
The Rock to beat CM Punk
John Cena to win the Royal Rumble
Alberto Del Rio to beat Big Show
The Rhodes Scholars to beat Team Hell No

Antonio Cesaro to beat The Miz

Fantasy Booker: Royal Rumble to WrestleMania XXIX

The trouble with trying to write a fantasy booking blog about WrestleMania XXIX is that it looks as though WWE are putting together about the best combination of matches we can realistically expect them to. At time of writing it seems a safe bet that CM Punk will clash with the Undertaker, adding another hot match to The Streak, and that The Rock and John Cena will have a rematch from their “once in a lifetime” clash at last year’s show. Triple H and Brock Lesnar are rumoured to be having a return outing on the show (which I’m largely indifferent to but can see that it would appeal to others) and Sheamus and Randy Orton are being lined up as opponents.

In short it looks like the top four matches for the event should all be at least good, with the Punk v Undertaker match in particular standing a strong chance of being outstanding.

Adding to the show’s potential is the recent World Heavyweight title win of Alberto Del Rio. This could see him slotted into the Sheamus and Orton match (which I think would actually improve things considerably) or face off with a headliner-in-waiting in either Dolph Ziggler or Ryback. Both of those guys should form a strong part of the ‘Mania undercard whether they tangle with ADR or someone else. WWE seems to have finally gotten their act together on elevating new stars and both men are leading the way.

Generally speaking the whole fantasy booking schtick is most fun when the company you’re writing about are fumbling about aimlessly and you have a clear vision of what would make things better. Which puts me in a bit of a quandary. On the one hand I want to write a fantasy booking piece detailing what I’d do if given the chance to book WrestleMania XXIX (although I’ve done that already: see here). On the other WWE are doing a capable job so far and I’d be setting things up in much the same way they appear to be.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to write one possibility of how I’d book ‘Mania XXIX. There are so many options for this year’s show that there’s no clear card presenting itself to me. Below is just one possible line-up.

I’ll start at the Royal Rumble. Right now it looks as though the card for that show is going to feature four advertised bouts: Rock v Punk for the WWE championship, Alberto Del Rio v Big Show for the World Heavyweight championship, the Rumble itself and some sort of Divas match… because there’s always a Divas match.

Let’s assume that for the next few weeks I’d guide the TV product in broadly the same direction as WWE’s current creative team, the only differences being anything that allows the forecast card above to take place.

So… the Royal Rumble on January 27^th. I’d open the show with the WHC title bout between champion Alberto Del Rio and challenger the Big Show. It’s worth noting that Dolph Ziggler would still have his Money in the Bank contract. It’s possible WWE will have him cash in before the Rumble. I wouldn’t.

ADR would retain the title. As I’ve written before he needs a lengthy title reign if he is to be the Rey Mysterio replacement WWE seems to be hoping for. Having him lose the championship after a couple of weeks would harm his credibility. Best to keep it on him and give him another decisive victory over ‘The World’s Largest Athlete’.

That would come in the form of a submission win. The story of the match would be Show trying to use his power, concentrating on hitting the WMD punch and the choke slam, with Del Rio using his speed to stay out of ‘The Ginat’s’ clutches and wearing down the arm for the Cross Armbreaker.

Match two would be the Divas bout. I’ll go with a Divas championship bout between Eve and Kaitlyn. That seems like it has a good chance of happening. I’d make it a “Lumberjill” match (which is a rumour for the card anyway) in order to get the rest of the Divas onto the show.

The match would feature a title change and would start a Divas programme for WrestleMania. Both women would take the obligatory tumble to the outside at least once during the match. Eve, as the heel, would head out of the ring for an unofficial breather while Kaitlyn, as the face, would be tossed out by her foe.

Throughout the match AJ would interfere in on Eve’s behalf. The finishing sequence would begin with AJ hitting Kaitlyn with some sort of big move while Eve distracts the ref. The other gals, having had enough of Ms Lee, would pull her out of the ring and pummel her, with that eventually turning into a heels versus faces brawl. With that going on Kaitlyn would recover and get a schoolboy (schoolgirl?) on a distracted Eve for the win.

Following the match the brawlers would quietly disperse, allowing AJ to get into the ring and attack the new champion. Eve would join in for a moment before current NXT star Paige would dash down the ramp to make the save. The commentators would explain this away as Paige being an NXT wrestler who is good pals with Kaitlyn.

There would probably be a filler match of some sort after that. I don’t know who would be in it. It wouldn’t be important. Nothing of consequence would happen.

Match four would be the Royal Rumble. I shan’t bore you (or myself) by listing every person I’d put into the match but amongst the thirty entrants would be John Cena, Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, Daniel Bryan, Kane, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Sheamus, and Randy Orton. I mention those men only because I either have plans for them that will be revealed below.

There would, of course, be surprise entrants. It’s expected that MVP and Shelton Benjamin will be returning to the company at the Rumble as part of an effort by WWE to get their mid-card restocked, so we’ll assume they’d appear in my Rumble too. Add John Morrison for the same reason. I think there’s a good chance he’ll be back as a part of the supposed mid-card push we’re about to witness.

As far as genuine surprises go I’d stick in Road Dogg and Billy Gunn, partly because I think it’d be nice for fans and partly because I’m a big fan of the Outlaws. I‘d try and get another relatively obscure Attitude Era star too. Steve Blackman would be fun. Or perhaps Val Venis (although he’s looking pretty different to how he did in the 90s so perhaps not).

Assuming they’re both healthy the Rumble would serve as the TV return date for both Christian and Mark Henry. Finally, I’d get Chris Jericho back for a one night appearance. He wouldn’t be on RAW the next night if I were booking. I don’t want him clogging up my WrestleMania, but I think he’d be a good Rumble entrant.

As I said I won’t list every entrant but I will say who’d be first and second because those are important spots. The first man out would be Kofi Kingston. I always like a face starting off the Rumble. Fans want to cheer the first person out, so let them. Putting an athletic guy like Kingston out first allows for a number one entrant who can last for a while. That’s important too.

Second in would be Dolph Ziggler. He has good chemistry with Kofi so they’d keep the audience interested for the first couple of minutes and he’s practically a pseudo-face at this point so he’s another guy fans could pop for without having to give up the heel-face dynamic for the opening stretch.

Let me turn my attention to the bigger stars in the match. Daniel Bryan would be out pretty early on because he’s over and can work for long periods. Sheamus and Randy Orton would both enter relatively early too and within four or five numbers of one another. They wouldn’t immediately start blasting away at one another but they would gradually clear the ring and then face off (with Ziggler and Bryan taking a breather in separate corners as they did so).

They’d battle for a few minutes before the next entrant came out. That would be Heath Slater. He’d eat a Brogue Kick and an RKO then get double clotheslined out by both men, allowing them to keep their battle going a little longer. It would be broken up by Big Show, who’d come waddling out and immediately start pummelling both men before pairing off with Orton. ‘The Show Off’ would then recover too and pair off with Sheamus. Nobody needs to see any more from Show and Sheamus together.

After sending out a few more space fillers and having Bryan get back to his feet I’d unleash Sandow, Rhodes and Kane. A bit of clearing would then take place before another set piece. This would involve the two tag teams squaring off. The Scholars would eliminate Bryan (who would stand outside the ring screaming “No!” for a bit before heading backstage) only to be ousted themselves by Kane.

‘The Big Red Machine’ would talk trash with Rhodes and Sandow from inside the ring, allowing Ziggler to sneak up from behind and chuck him over the top rope. Kane would then chase the Scholars to the back. This would give Ziggler a pretty impressive moment in the Rumble, something he needs if he is to be the star WWE wants him to be.

John Cena would go in at number twenty. There’s no particular reason for that number, I just think it would be a good time to have him out there. He’d immediately blast through Big Show, giving him an AA out of the ring to establish that he’s a Serious About Winning. I’d probably have had Mark Henry go out at eighteen or nineteen so ‘The Franchise’ could toss him out too.

Sheamus would go to Brogue Kick Cena out but Cena would dodge, leaving Sheamus straddled on the top rope. ‘The Viper’ would then appear and deck ‘Great White’, sending him to the floor and ending his dreams (as I’m sure Cole would phrase it) of winning back-to-back Royal Rumbles.

‘Y2J’ would head out as the next man after this spot. It’d be a good time to get the audience cheering. He’d be followed by Ryback entering at twenty-seven. That, for those unaware, is the number that most Rumble winners have won with. I learnt that whilst watching my first Rumble (the ’99 edition (I think Billy Gunn got the number but I may be wrong)) thanks to the commentary of one Michael Cole.

At this point I’d like to mention some spots for minor guys: The Shield would enter one-by-one and get beaten down by everyone available, the commentators hypothesising that the rest of the roster are taking the opportunity to mete out some justice of their own; Big E Langston would save Ziggler from multiple eliminations and eventually sacrifice himself to save his boss’s spot; Brad Maddox would enter somewhere around the middle, kick around for a while constantly trying to form alliances with whoever’s doing well, and eventually be eliminated by a bigger star like Orton or Cena; Brodus Clay would enter and be distracted by dancing, allowing Cesaro to muscle him out within seconds; and Miz would be the man to eliminate Wade Barrett.

Heading into the final stretch the big stars still in there would be Jericho, Ryback, Orton, and Ziggler. I’d probably have Antonio Cesaro in there too. He’s a reliable guy who deserves the spot and is an effective antagonist. The final man in would be The Miz. Going out on a babyface is always a good move and ‘The Awesome One’ is even better in the role than I’d expected.

Ziggler would be eliminated cleanly by Ryback after Miz had entered. Then the cleaning up process would begin, with the various extras being eliminated by the men who would comprise the final four. Who would they be? Cena, Ryback, Jericho and Orton. The Miz would be shown the exit by Orton. On which note ‘The Apex Predator’ would show increasingly ruthless traits throughout the bout, not playing a heel outright but continuing to hint at it. His elimination of Miz would be designed to get the audience to boo him, allowing him to play off that a bit.

So, yes, the final four. It’s three definite babyfaces and one mostly-face. That may not be terribly exciting but the reason I’d go with this is that all of them are believable winners. Cena winning could set up his rematch with The Rock, Ryback winning could put him back on the path to a world championship, Jericho returning out of nowhere and winning would be just plausible enough to convince people it’s happening, and Orton winning could set up either a surprise bout with ‘The Great One’ or a World title clash with new face Del Rio.

Orton is the company’s third biggest star, so a battle with The Rock at WrestleMania isn’t totally out of the question for him. His status often gets overlooked but I think in the closing moments of the Rumble people could be made to believe that he has a chance of winning and that the stuff with Sheamus has been a ruse to disguise his true programme with ‘The Brahma Bull’.

First out of these last guys would be Jericho. He’s the most expendable in this situation. He’d be meathooked out by ‘Big Hungry’.

Following ‘The Highlight of the Night’ out would be Orton. He’d be tackled out by Cena, probably with Ryback taking a breather in the corner so that the faces aren’t teaming up on a (mostly-)heel.

Which would leave us with a final two of Cena and Ryback, two of WWE’s most limited wrestlers. ‘The CeNation Leader’ has blundered badly in this situation before: back in 2005 when he and Batista botched the finish and Vince McMahon had to make an unscheduled cameo to smooth things over. I bring this up simply to acknowledge that putting Cena in this position is not the greatest move. It’s one I’d make because he is the heavy favourite to win and I think he needs to be one of the final guys involved.

Despite his status as favourite Cena would not win. He and Ryback would have a two minute scuffle stuffed with near eliminations that I’d instruct them to rehearse several times throughout the day. As extra insurance I’d have those closing moments planned out by Pat Patterson (considered one of the best finishing men in WWE (insert your own joke here)), Paul Heyman, and a cadre of well-respected wrestlers like Jericho and Punk. The two men themselves would have no say in the sequence whatsoever.

Having won Ryback would stand in the centre of the ring pumping his fists in the air and bellowing “Feed me more!” It’s what’s made him popular so let him get on with it.

Rumble winner

That leaves the main event: CM Punk defending the WWE championship against The Rock. Before the bell I’d have this announced as a no disqualification match. That gives the two some leeway and gives Punk and Heyman the chance to scrounge some last minute heat by whining off-mic.

I think somewhere between twenty and thirty minutes is about the right time for this match. Any less and fans would feel short changed. Any more and they’d run out of things to do and risk Rock becoming winded.

There’d be plenty of outside brawling and weapon shots during the bulk of the match. Actual wrestling isn’t Rock’s strong point, but there’d be some and it would be led by Punk. The standard exchange of finishers would occur, Rock kicking out of the GTS and Punk escaping after a Rock Bottom, then the obligatory spots of using each other’s finishers.

The closing moments would by a deluge of outside interference. It’s another shortcut, increases crowd heat, and invokes the spirit of the Attitude Era. It would kick off with Heyman breaking up a pinfall off a People’s Elbow. With Punk catching his (kayfabe) breath on the mat Rock would nail Heyman with a Rock Bottom then stand over him shouting (as he is wont to do). Punk would then sneak in with a schoolboy for a close two.

The Shield would then run in from the crowd, Punk slinking back into a corner to watch them stomp away at The Rock. The ref (probably Mike Chioda) would try to get them to stop and would be flattened too. The trio would then hit their triple power bomb on Rock before leaving.

Punk would leave his corner and slither over to The Rock, motioning for a referee from the back before going for a cover. Brad Maddox would come dashing down the entranceway, tugging on a ref shirt, and slide into the ring to make a sizzlingly close two count.

Punk would get to his feet and pull Maddox in for a GTS. He’d then do the “I’m shocked, what do I have to do to beat this guy?” routine as another official (a genuine one this time) enters the ring. Rock would be dragged up to his feet and Punk would try for a GTS, only to be caught with a surprise Rock Bottom. The referee would go for the count but get pulled out of the ring at two. The camera would slide left to reveal that the man who pulled the referee out of the ring was… Brock Lesnar.

Lesnar would storm into the ring, hoist Rock effortlessly onto his shoulders and then blast him with an F5. Punk would then crawl across the ring and slump across Rock to retain the WWE championship.

Yes. Punk would retain.

The next evening’s RAW would open with a Rock promo. It would be the usual valiant babyface routine: he’d refuse to make excuses and say that he lost, but that he can hold his head high unlike Punk. He’d demand for Punk to come out and demand for Brock Lesnar to explain himself. Instead he’d be met with Dolph Ziggler.

‘The Show Off’ would say that Rock is all talk and can’t get the job done. He guaranteed he’d win the WWE championship and let everybody done. There’s no gold in Rock’s future, but there is in Ziggler’s because of his MITB contract. He’s a future World Heavyweight champion while The Rock’s just a washed up joke who’s going to go running back to Hollywood with his tail between his legs.

Rock would rebut this in his own unique way. Simply put he’d make fun of Ziggler, AJ and Big E before challenging ‘The Heel’ to a match on RAW. Ziggler would agree… but not to the RAW part. He would insist on wrestling Rock at Elimination Chamber. Rock would agree and unleash one final barb, prompting Ziggler to dispatch Big E to the ring to eat a Rock Bottom.

Later on RAW Punk and Heyman would be interviewed in the ring by Michael Cole. They would deny any affiliation with The Shield and Brad Maddox. Heyman would point out, helpfully, that Maddox is not even a licensed official anymore so his officiating at the Rumble wouldn’t have done ‘The Voice of the Voiceless’ any good at all.

The subject of Brock Lesnar would come up and Heyman would state that while he and Lesnar are very good friends he had no idea Lesnar was going to get involved. If he’d known he certainly wouldn’t have condoned his actions. Punk would add that he’s a fan of Lesnar’s but they’re not friends and they’re not in contact with one another.

Cole would then be sent away from the ring to allow Punk to cut a more general promo. His point would be the complete lack of respect for him, his position and his accomplishments. He would talk about being WWE champion for 435 days and beating everyone put in front of him. He would ask what he needs to do to gain respect. If beating The Rock in the middle of the ring and being the longest reigning champion in decades isn’t enough to make people bow down and declare him the greatest wrestler ever then what is?

Punk would finish his promo with a message for Ryback. He would remind ‘Big Hungry’ of their feud from last year, telling him that he needs to make the smart choice and challenge for the WHC at WrestleMania because he’s tried beating Punk before and couldn’t get it done.

In between all of this I’d advance various other strands. Randy Orton would have a match that gets called off due to interference from The Shield. Sheamus would make the save and Orton would angrily shove him for doing so, exclaiming that he doesn’t need ‘The Celtic Warrior’s’ help. This would prompt Vickie Guerrero to make a match for the following week’s RAW during a backstage segment: Orton and Shaymo versus Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose.

Kaitlyn would have a title rematch with Eve which would end in a DQ after interference from AJ. Paige would again make the save.

The Rhodes Scholars would win a match against a disposable team (the Usos perhaps) and then mock Team Hell No. They would announce that they’ve been granted a tag team championship match at Elimination Chamber. They’d promise to take the gold from the miscreants.

Ryback would win a match against a member of 3MB, with the other members interfering and getting knocked about too. Following that he’d take a microphone and tell the world that he’ll decide who’s going to face at Elimination Chamber. Hopefully he’d throw in some analogies about eating and food chains and hunger too. They’re always great!

To save the pain of laboriously scribbling what I’d do on each episode of RAW and SmackDown I’ll give you the general gist of storylines between the January 28^th RAW and Elimination Chamber. Firstly the Chamber matches would be addressed.

There would be no RAW cage match. I dislike there always being two Chamber matches per show. It devalues the gimmick. I’d have Punk state that he had a stipulation written into his Royal Rumble contract, on the advisement of Paul Heyman, that grants him immunity from a Chamber match in the event of him retaining the belt.

Punk would announce that he’d defend the WWE title against a mystery opponent on the show.

SmackDown’s steel showdown would see Alberto Del Rio defending the World Heavyweight championship against Randy Orton, Sheamus, Big Show, Mark Henry and Kofi Kingston. Those are some credible names for ADR to tangle with and rubbing shoulders with the headliners should help give Kofi the rub.

On SmackDown Wade Barrett would issue a challenge to anyone in the locker room not named Kofi Kingston. Anyone who can beat him in a non-title bout before EC would receive an Intercontinental championship match on the show. The Miz would drop Barrett on the February 15^th show to earn the match. I think Miz would probably commentate on Barrett’s match on the February 8^th show, to establish that he’s taking the challenge seriously and wants the shot.

Orton and Sheamus would lose their match against The Shield and engage in another shoving match. Tensions would increase over the following two weeks as both General Managers would keep booking them as partners. It’s the sort of foolish decision that happens all the time in wrestling.

Ziggler would get promo segments to further his feud with The Rock. He would warn Rock to take him seriously, reminding him that John Cena joked around too and got beaten at TLC. His opponents at MITB in 2012 didn’t take him seriously but he got the better of them too. He’d also chuck in a couple of hints that his plan is to cash in after the SmackDown Chamber bout and head into WrestleMania as World champion.

Rock would do two things during this period. Firstly he would acknowledge Ziggler as a fantastic wrestler and serious competitor. Secondly he would challenge Brock Lesnar to a match at WrestleMania, adding that he doesn’t care if ‘The Pain’ is under contract or not: he wants payback.

Heyman would respond to Rock’s demand on the final RAW or SmackDown (probably the former) before Elimination Chamber. He’d say he’s spoken with “his client” about Rock’s “request” (I’m using quotation marks because I’m channelling Paul Heyman) and that the answer is no. Lesnar would have no interest in returning to WWE or in facing The Rock.

Winning smile from Heyman there

The tag title feud would unfold in the way you’d expect. The standard drill is to have singles matches between the two teams, which I’d do over a course of four TV shows (one match on each). The final week’s TV would see each team tangling with the Prime Time Players, while the other unit hangs out on commentary.

During this time the PTPs would cut promos backstage about being left out of the tag title picture. They’d announce that they have a plan to get themselves into the title hunt.

A similar tack would be taken with the Divas feud: a series of singles matches involving the four women. This would see Paige make her WWE in-ring debut against Eve, losing after interference from AJ. That would set up a tag clash at Elimination Chamber: AJ and Eve v Paige and Kaitlyn. No, surnames are not welcome.

During all of this Ryback would continue hammering opponents weekly. The commentators would push the fact that he’ll announce his ‘Mania opponent at Elimination Chamber. His treatment would remain unchanged until then: he’d enter, shout, and win. That’d be it. Too much too soon and fans would turn on him (and that would probably happen anyway in the scenario that’s coming up).

This would leave John Cena a bit of a spare part. He would have been deliberately left off of the post-Rumble RAW to stop him overshadowing everyone else. He would return on the February 4^th show and acknowledge his position as the guy with nothing to do. Comedic suggestions for a role at EC (ringside enforcer for the Intercontinental championship match, guest timekeeper for the Ziggler v Rock showdown, secret opponent of CM Punk, guest referee for the Divas tag match) seems like something he’d do.

In amongst his nonsense he’d reference Antonio Cesaro’s large nipples. For those who don’t remember this is something he did last year when he was given a week off due to injury before returning to TV to help save the Hell in a Cell buy rate. Only this time it wouldn’t be a childish throwaway comment. It would be a childish comment with a match attached to it. ‘The Swiss Superman’ would interrupt Cena and run him down. I like the idea of Cesaro claiming to be a “better American” than Cena. That’d be a laugh.

This would result in a match between the two at Elimination Chamber. Speaking of which, that’s all the TV talk to take us from the Rumble to the Chamber.

The Elimination Chamber pay-per-view would open with the tag team championship match. If given ten minutes or so I think they’d put on a strong match. In fact they have before, so I know they would. The finish of the match would see the Prime Time Players go to ringside. Darren Young would distract the referee and Kane, allowing Titus O’Neil to slip into the ring and hit Clash of the Titus on Daniel Bryan. Rhodes or Sandow would then cover Bryan to capture the WWE tag team titles.

Match two would be the Elimination Chamber match itself. No, it wouldn’t go on last. How could it? With matches involving CM Punk, John Cena and The Rock there’s no way the Chamber bout could end the evening.

Kofi and Orton would start the match. The former ‘Legend Killer’ would still be in his tweener role, not having officially gone bad but having become increasingly aggressive and arrogant in his manner. They’d be joined at five minute point by Mark ‘The Shark’ Henry. He’d rumble around the ring, dishing out power moves to both men until the fourth pod opened. That would see Sheamus enter the fray.

‘The Celtic Warrior’ would go straight after Orton, with Kofi and Henry helpfully sidelining themselves with a corner pounding spot (not like that). Sheamus and Orton would have what ‘Good Ol’ JR’ would refer to as a slobberknocking exchange. After a couple of minutes Sheamus would counter an RKO attempt, shoving Orton into the ropes and hitting him with a Brogue Kick as he turned back around. That would see ‘The Viper’ eliminated clean.

Thankfully the Brogue Kick has not been established as a move that completely knocks someone out. It’s more a move that stuns a wrestler, allowing Sheamus to get the pin before they’ve fully recovered their wits (see how the move was portrayed at last year’s ‘Mania for a fine example of this). That allows Orton to get back up almost immediately. He’d do so. The officials would instruct him to leave and Sheamus would flash that stupid grin of his (you all know the one) and say “I got ya, fella!” while extending his hand for a handshake.

Orton would look to the door, then the fans, and then at the proffered hand. A moment of heelish consideration would pass and then he’d take Sheamus’s’ hand… then do a DDP and pull him into a crisp RKO. In order to add that extra something to the turn Orton would shove away the referees and give Sheamus the dreaded Punt kick. Villainous roots embraced Orton would then swagger out of the ring and into the back.

Back in the ring Mark Henry would hit Shaymo with the World’s Biggest Splash to eliminate him moments before ADR was released from his pod. Del Rio would go straight after Henry, and I think the two could have quite a fiery exchange. To keep the crowd on the edge of their seats (they paid for the whole thing but they only need the edge!) I’d have Henry get a World’s Strongest Slam on ADR for a close two count. He’d then hit the move on Kofi again, giving Del Rio a chance to recover and writing ‘The Dreadlock Dynamo’ out of the bout.

Finally Big Show would wade into proceedings and there’d be a triple threat match for a few minutes. Del Rio would eliminate Mark Henry and then receive a WMD followed by a choke slam for good measure. Big Show would pin ADR and become a three time World Heavyweight champion.

Bout three would be the Intercontinental title bout between The Miz and Wade Barrett. It would be designed as a cooling off period for the audience following the Chamber clash. Barrett would win with the Bullhammer elbow.

Next would be – shudder – a Ryback promo.

‘Big Hungry’ would march to the ring, wearing his airbrushed singlet despite not having a match, and grab a microphone. It’s important to note that he would refrain from eating the microphone. As a hungry man there’s always the possibility that he’ll gobble whatever he lays his hands on, including electrical equipment.

Again I’d hope for some wondrous allusions to food chains and jungles from ‘back. The gist of his promo would be that he is a man that likes to feast, and as a hungry man he needs the biggest feasts possible, with there being no bigger feast than the Big Show. I’ve tried to capture the insanity of a Ryback promo here but I don’t think it can be done. Just imagine him saying the stuff about feasts and you’ll hopefully be able to imagine what I’m after.

Cena and Cesaro would be up after that. The match would only get around two minutes. That’s so little that even Cena would find it hard to bury Cesaro effectively. They wouldn’t get long because The Shield would enter through the crowd and attack Cena. He’d fight back, naturally, but the numbers would get the best of him and he’d end up taking a pasting. Cesaro would grab his belt and leave.

This would not be as devastating a beating as Reigns, Rollins and Ambrose have dished out before. Cena would be brought back out later in the show. Knowing that, and his tendency to shrug off what should be lingering effects, the group’s credibility would be preserved if they refrained from going all out on Cena. Withholding the triple power bomb would probably be sufficient.

That would be followed by the Divas tag team match. They’d get around seven minutes with the idea being to get across the fact that AJ and Eve don’t think they can beat Kaitlyn fairly. AJ would pin Kaitlyn following some sort of shenanigans, setting her up as a contender to the coveted Divas strap.

Match six would be CM Punk taking on his mystery opponent. Punk would again drive home his point about a lack of respect for him. He would say that because the fans don’t respect him he doesn’t respect them, so he’s not arranged this match on their behalf. He’s arranged it because he respects himself. He respects himself enough to prove that, had Ryback chosen to challenge for his WWE championship, Punk would have retained.

Punk says he asked Ryback to come out and face him but Ryback refused, which left Punk in a difficult spot. Luckily he’s a resourceful man and he was able to find someone with even more raw determination, drive and intensity than ‘Big Hungry’. He found someone better than Ryback. Punk would then invite the crowd to sit back and enjoy a WrestleMania quality match: CM Punk… versus… GILLBACK!

Duane Gill would come out wearing an airbrushed singlet like Ryback’s. It would say ‘Gillback’ on it. He’d do the Ryback arm motions in the aisle and get scared of the explosion (just like he used to get scared of the Goldberg pyro… ahhhh memories). He’d get into the ring and Punk would act scared. Lillian, or whoever’s on ring announcing duty, would go to make the formal ring introductions but would be hushed aside by Heyman, who would perform the task instead.

After the hyperbolic intros Gillback and Punk would circle, Gillback would stagger forward and immediately get scooped up into position for a GTS. Punk would connect, pin the challenger and act as though he’s just won the most gruelling title bout of his reign. Heyman would clamber into the ring to congratulate him.

John Cena’s music would then hit and the man himself would return to the ring. He’d tell Punk that nonsense like the ‘Gillback’ schtick is the reason nobody respects him. He can’t be taken seriously because he doesn’t take himself or the title he holds seriously. And if he can’t be taken seriously he certainly can’t be respected.

Respect him and his belt

Cena would tell Punk if he wants respect it has to be earned. There’s only one way to earn it in WWE: wrestle. Cena would tell Punk that if he was a respectful and respectable champion he’d defend the WWE title against him in a fair match without all the interference. Or against The Rock. Or against Ryback. Or against any of the other hard working members of the locker room. But he won’t because he likes to preach about respect but isn’t interested in earning it.

Cena would leave Punk and Heyman in the ring. Punk would get back on the microphone for one final comment before leaving. Because he’s a character that always needs the final word. He and Heyman would then head backstage.

The headline attraction would see The Rock take on Dolph Ziggler. I’d want them to have around twelve minutes. Anything less would result in an insubstantial match. I think they could have a fun bout in this situation, and Big E and AJ being at ringside would add some distractions. Naturally Rock would go over clean with a Rock Bottom and-or People’s Elbow.

The February 18^th RAW would see the WrestleMania XXIX continue to take shape.

John Cena would open the show, once again discussing CM Punk’s lack of respect. I think this use of Cena is a pretty solid way of getting audiences to back him. If they were to cheer Punk over him they’d essentially be agreeing with a man who is open in his contempt of them over someone who has defended them and their integrity.

‘The Franchise’ would then turn his attention to The Shield. He’d say he’s sick of them and as he doesn’t have anything else taking up his time he’s going to dedicate himself to fighting them. This would bring the three men into the crowd and to ringside. Ambrose (it has to be Ambrose, he’s the only one who can speak) would grab a microphone and address Cena. He’d tell him that nobody can stop them dealing justice, no matter how many T-shirts they sell or world titles they win.

Cena would challenge Ambrose to a match. Ambrose would accept, and the bout would headline the show. Rollins and Reigns would interfere, causing a disqualification. They’d beat Cena down before Miz and Kofi Kingston would run in and make the save.

RAW would also feature promos from CM Punk and The Rock. Punk would say he’s been thinking about John Cena’s words from Elimination Chamber. Cena’s wrong. He’s always wrong. It’s not about earning respect. It’s about showing it. He’s beaten everyone put in his way. Everyone. Fans should be lining up to give him respect.

In his situation there’s only one thing left for him to do. Just winning doesn’t appear to be enough for the people, or the locker room or John Cena. He could beat The Rock or Cena or Ryback again but it wouldn’t get him respect because he’s already done it. There’s one man, just one man, he can beat to force respect out of people. One man he can beat that will leave “the WWE Universe” with no option but to acknowledge his status as the best in the world.

At WrestleMania XXIX he officially challenges the Undertaker to a match. Streak versus championship. Legacy… versus respect.

Meanwhile ‘The Great One’s’ promo would draw a line under his programme with ‘The Show Off’. He’d say that he laid the smack down but gained a lot of respect for Ziggler in doing so. He’d announce a refocus. He’d want the man that cost him the title, Brock Lesnar, at WrestleMania XXIX. He’d give Lesnar one week to get back to him and say yes.

Elsewhere on RAW Big Show would come out onto the stage to tell Ryback that he’s made the biggest mistake of his life. Show would promise to obliterate Ryback at WrestleMania XXIX; Ziggler would do guest commentary on an Alberto Del Rio match mocking him for losing the WHC and then taunt him afterwards; Sheamus would call out Randy Orton “to fight” but would get no response; and the Prime Time Players would inform the Rhodes Scholars that they deserve a tag team championship match because they handed them the belts, a segment that would end in a three team brawl after Team Hell No involve themselves.

As I did earlier, I’ll join the televisual dots between that episode of RAW and WrestleMania XXIX. It’s six weeks of TV. Nobody wants to trudge through that.

So, the Rock v Lesnar feud. Rock would demand an answer from Lesnar. He’d get Heyman instead. The former ECW boss would tell Rock that Lesnar is not interested in facing him at WrestleMania XXIX or at any other given time. Nor would he be interested in providing a reason for his actions at the Royal Rumble. Rock would then launch into a verbal trashing of ‘The Pain’ including making fun of his (lack of) promo skills, singing songs and referencing “Momma Lesnar”.

This would have the desired effect. Lesnar would return to TV the next week to agree to a match with ‘The Great One’ at ‘Mania, re-signing a contract along the way. I’d probably put in a contract signing segment a couple of weeks before WrestleMania, to keep interest high and to create a way of booking a pull apart brawl between the two.

The bout would be built up as a clash between two of the greatest WWE champions ever and as a meeting between Hollywood and ultimate fighting. Presented in the right way I think it could be a huge attraction.

Meanwhile Rock’s ‘Mania XXVIII opponent John Cena would be tasked with lending his star aura to the middle of the card. Following his showing against Ambrose Cena would have singles matches on RAW against Reigns and Rollins, in that order. The first would end in much the same way as Cena v Ambrose. The Rollins match would see Cena accompanied to the ring by Kingston and Miz, who would run off Ambrose and Reigns once the interfere kicked in. That wouldn’t be the end of the outside factors though: Antonio Cesaro would help out Rollins, hitting a Neutralizer behind the referee’s back to allow the Shield member to get the tainted victory.

A six man tag on an episode of SmackDown, The Shield v Miz, Kofi Kingston and John Cena, would see the heels gain another unfair win after interference from Wade Barrett. Cesaro and Barrett would reveal that they’re not members of The Shield and don’t agree with everything the group’s done but do agree that Cena and his pals need be handed some justice.

The feud would continue with Cena recruiting R-Truth and Zack Ryder to join his team. It’d be a gift for television: a ten man rivalry could translate to various singles and tag team matches, with the two teams of five clashing at WrestleMania.

The tag team title feud would continue much as it had started. Various singles matches and triple threat outings would keep things going. If they were ready to return to TV in time I’d probably stick Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara into this feud to make it a four-way. If not I’d leave things alone. It would just be a simple way of getting the popular Mysterio onto the ‘Mania card.

The tag rivalry could even be crossed over with Cena v The Shield to introduce some variety and keep television interesting. John Cena, The Miz and Team Hell No v Wade Barrett, Antonio Cesaro, and The Rhodes Scholars is one example of a “filler” match that could be great if given twenty minutes.

The Alberto Del Rio versus Dolph Ziggler feud would start out with the two costing one another matches and Ziggler telling ADR that he wished he’d cashed in his contract on him when he’d had the chance. There’s the opportunity for a great line about how Ziggler barely had time to cash in before Big Show regained the belt. Because, y’know, Del Rio only had the gold for a month and a half.

Ziggler would need to cost Del Rio his rematch with Show for the rivalry to work. It would keep ADR a strong babyface because it would avoid him losing clean and it would add heat to Ziggler because he would have cost a beloved Latino hero the world title. The programme could cross over nicely with AJ’s feud with Kaitlyn, giving us a nice mixed tag match on an episode of RAW or SmackDown.

Speaking of that feud Eve and Paige would gradually have their roles scaled down after Elimination Chamber. The focus would be on AJ and Kaitlyn having once been best friends but now being enemies. It’s a basic story but easy enough to tell and follow.

The Randy Orton versus Sheamus programme would build relatively slowly. Having turned heel Orton would refuse to get into the ring with Sheamus. I think this would be the best way to get people to boo ‘The Viper’. He needs to do nothing. One of the things people like from him now is his aggression in the ring. He can’t be booked as a coward because that’s not true to the character, but he can be booked to say ‘Great White’ is beneath him. Cocky more than cowardly.

The weeks would wear on and eventually Orton would agree to face Sheamus… directly after he’d been through a fairly lengthy match on an episode of SmackDown. Orton would rough Sheamus up and pin him with an RKO and Punt combo. Booker T would then make his way out to congratulate ‘The Apex Predator’ and announce that there would be a rematch at WrestleMania XXIX.

Big Show and Ryback would be booked like both of Show’s recent World title programmes (with Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio). Show would be booked as a coward. He’d talk tough and tell Ryback how he’s going to beat him but he’d never get into the ring with him without an advantage.

With Ryback’s tendency to provide unintelligible promos Show would be relied upon to carry this feud on the mic. There would be the standard collection of nonsense segments to keep the programme running. An example? That test of strength thing Sheamus and Show did on SmackDown last year. That’d work nicely with Big Show and Ryback. Something in which the two men have to lift things too, that’s the sort of thing this feud would need.

The best segment idea I have for this feud (and possibly the best idea in this entire post) would be an eating contest. Yes. An eating contest. It would come about with Big Show saying he wants to put Ryback’s ‘Big Hungry’ moniker to the test, waddling to the ring to reveal trestle tables stacked with food. Show would announce that he wants to see if Ryback’s appetite is big enough to handle ‘The World’s Largest Athlete’ at ‘Mania.

No it wouldn’t really make any sense, but WWE segments like this rarely do. What’s more worrying than the lack of sense is that this is the sort of thing WWE actually books.

The segment would, naturally, end with Big Show taking a tumble through one of the tables. He wouldn’t be given a Shellshock though. It would be a more simplistic spot, such as Ryback ducking a clothesline and tripping Show through a table, or back dropping him. Part of the build for this programme (a serious part) would be the commentary team constantly doubting that ‘The Human Wrecking Ball’ can lift Big Show to hit a Shellshock, so that couldn’t be given away on free TV.

Finally there would be the Punk and Undertaker feud. ‘The Dead Man’ would return to TV to accept Punk’s challenge on the February 25^th RAW, leaving Punk to carry the bulk of the programme with promos about all the respect that will be heaped on him after he breaks The Streak and the fact that people respect a pitiful stat like The Streak but not his monumental title reign. ‘Taker would make one or two more appearances to cut his own brand of whacky promo which would inevitably involve him talking about “bringing an end” to Punk and defending his Streak.

Heyman would stay linked to both Punk and Lesnar during this period. He fits well with ‘The Voice of the Voiceless’ and is a necessity for Lesnar.

And so we come to the big show itself. Before WrestleMania XXIX there would be a battle royal involving everyone not on the card itself. I don’t know who’d win. It doesn’t really matter. Probably a babyface though. Alex Riley? Why not?

The show opening clash would be Alberto Del Rio v Dolph Ziggler. Ricardo Rodriguez, AJ and Big E Langston would all be at ringside, allowing there to be plenty of action. That’s always good for an opener. The match would need to culminate with Ricardo and Big E taking dives and Del Rio locking in the Cross Armbreaker for the submission victory.

The tag team title match would follow. This would be Team Hell No’s final bout together. I quietly split them after WrestleMania. By that point they’d have been together for around eight months. That’s more than enough time for them to do everything they can as a pair. I’m not sure which team I’d have leave with the gold, but it would be either the Prime Time Players or The Rhodes Scholars. Mysterio and Sin Cara would not be considered for the win. If they were in the match they’d probably be the ones taking the loss.

The third bout would be the ten man tag match: John Cena, Miz, R-Truth, Kofi Kingston and Zack Ryder v Antonio Cesaro, Wade Barrett and The Shield. It would be a one fall match. Making it an elimination affair would mean that the pins would need to be sped through. I’m not sure who’d go over. It’d be decided closer to the time, but it would probably be the heels. They’d need it more.

The Divas title match would follow that. AJ would have Eve and Big E Langston in her corner. Kaitlyn would be accompanied by Paige. This is another match that would have its winner decided closer to the time. I’d probably have Kaitlyn retain because the crowd would need a babyface win by this point. She’d need the title more than AJ too: the Dolph Ziggler connection would keep AJ on television with or without the Divas title. If she’s not champion keeping Ksitlyn relevant on TV becomes trickier.

Big Show and Ryback would be up next. They’d get less than five minutes. The aim would be for Ryback to completely dominate Show, proving that ‘The Giant’ was never going to be a match for him. It’s the best thing to do in this situation. Long matches aren’t a strength of either man. A short match full of power moves would be far more beneficial.

It would end, of course, culminate with Ryback lifting Big Show up for the Shellshock. ‘Big Hungry’ would celebrate with the title, with Big Show staggering to his feet and hitting the new champ with a WMD punch. He’d follow up with a choke slam. Dolph Ziggler’s music would hit and he’d sprint down to the ring, hitting a dazed Ryback with a shot from the briefcase before handing it over to the referee. ‘The Show Off’ would then pin Ryback to become the new World Heavyweight champion. Two WrestleMania Moments and a way of keeping Ryback in the role of challenger, which is better for him than the role of champion.

Randy Orton and Sheamus would follow that. They’d get ten minutes to put on the best match possible. I wouldn’t hold out much hope. I don’t really rate Sheamus highly. Orton would go over with an RKO.

I don’t know which order the final two matches would go on in. My initial thought is to have the Punk v Undertaker match go on last, because it’s the only match to feature someone who’d be full time with the company after WrestleMania. It’s for the title too, which helps its case. The trouble is that The Rock v Brock Lesnar would probably be the bout that attracts most people, so there’s a strong case for that going on last.

Whichever order the matches went on in Lesnar and the Undertaker would go over. I think ‘The Pain’ is going to sign on for another year with WWE so it makes sense to keep him strong. Plus Rock is so over that a loss wouldn’t harm him. The Undertaker has to win. The Streak has been one of the most successful aspects of recent WrestleManias. There’s no sense in ending it, no matter how over CM Punk is.

This would leave us with what I think is a decent post-‘Mania season. Undertaker could come back to drop the championship in a gimmick match at Extreme Rules in May, either back to Punk or to Cena. Perhaps even Brock Lesnar could be considered for a title reign, and giving him a win over ‘Taker could set up a rematch at WrestleMania XXX.

Dolph Ziggler and Ryback could feud for the World championship, Orton and Sheamus could continue rumbling into an abyss of nothingness, and Cena could stick with his Shield programme, helping to elevate some mid-card talent for once.

Is this what we’re going to see? I strongly doubt it. A Cena v Rock rematch seems incredibly likely in reality, and it will probably be for the WWE championship. Rock v Undertaker seems like a fair bet, but not for the title. Lesnar will probably return to TV fairly soon to resume his tiresome programme with Triple H, who I left off of my WrestleMania card because of disinterest. Will what we see be better than what I’ve outlined above? Probably, but because we’ll never see my version of events play out we’ll never be completely sure, will we?