Michael Cole, Byron Saxton and Jerry 'The King' Lawler
welcomed us to the show, immediately hyping Reigns v Big Show and Bryan v Kane in
a casket match. They referred to it as the final battle in their long feud. It’s
worth noting at this point that the Bryan and Kane problems date back to the
spring of 2012. They’ve feuded, on and off, for nearly three years. Time will
tell whether this really will be the end but I'm not expecting it to be true.
Triple H got things going with a promo. Because WWE is
incapable of starting live TV shows without an in-ring promo. He welcomed the
crowd to Monday Night RAW (what a joker, eh?) before putting over WWE being
great for working around not being allowed to do RAW on Monday and finally
hitting their Network subscribers goal. After some jokes about balls (related
to some sort of NFL controversy I'm not aware of because I’m not American) he
said he will resolve the problem that is Sting at Fast Lane.
Then he talked about the controversy of the Royal Rumble.
Apparently Reigns winning is considered controversial. I don't understand why
it's controversial that a man won a match completely legally. 'The Game' said
he'd end the controversy on Monday's RAW. Presumably this will take the form of
a match announcement for Fast Lane.
 |
| Roman Reigns smouldering. |
Before Tripper could leave he was joined by Reigns, who agreed
with my feeling that his Rumble win was not a controversial situation. He was
booed. Big Show was brought out for their scheduled match and Trips ambled
backstage. The match would have been enjoyable had Reigns steamed through Show
in minutes, a dynamic performance to demonstrate that he's above proven losers
like Show.
But that didn't happen. What we got was a twelve and a
half minute match that saw Reigns being worked over and failing to look like a
powerhouse. At one point he did a performed a headscissors takedown, the exact
opposite of the sort of moves he should be doing. He was also heavily booed throughout
the match. WWE should have realised less is more and limited Reigns' camera
time. He did at least win though, kicking out of a choke slam to hit two
Superman punches, on a 'Giant' who had stupidly clambered up to the top rope,
and a spear. Yep, it took three finishers to put Show down.
After a reminder that Schwarzenegger is going into the
Hall of Fame Seth Rollins wandered out for a bit of a chat. His entrance got
more cheers than Reigns' did. He put over his performance at the Rumble, how he’d
come one second away from winning the title, and how he’s broken Lesnar's rib.
He issued an open challenge, waited for approximately one second, and then
started bragging that nobody wanted to face him.
 |
| Ryback not ruling. |
Ryback's music hit and he came out to prove Rollins
wrong. J&J Security and Rollins jumped Ryback. ‘Eerie’ Erick Rowan made the
save. Rollins knocked him off the apron and went back to stomping 'The Big
Guy'. Ziggler came out to round things out. The heels managed to fight their
way out of the ring and ran backstage. I expected this to lead to a match later
in the show. It didn’t.
We were next shown a topless Kane caressing a casket in a
dimly lit room somewhere in the building. He talked about ending Daniel Bryan. It
was distinctly un-PG.
Match number two was the very promising Tyson Kidd v Jey
Uso. Sadly they got less than three minutes, nowhere near long enough for the
competitive match they could have produced. Kidd worked the leg and got the win
after drop kicking the knee and hitting a fisherman’s neck breaker. This match
should have had its time swapped with Reigns and Show. That would have resulted
in a far more enjoyable match and Reigns looking like a juggernaut for
trouncing Show.
Another shot of Kane was shown with the casket. This time
he didn't say anything. He just gazed into the casket. Maybe he was thinking
about Katie Vick?
Rusev and Lana rocked up for a promo as the first hour
drew to a close. Speaking English, Rusev said he should have won the Rumble.
Even though he was thrown out easily and Reigns never got put over the top
rope. Weak argument, bro. He said he deserved Lesnar but he was being given a
man with no titles, hunger or desire, a man from the past, John Cena.
Naturally these words brought Cena out to the ring. Cena half-heartedly
put over Rusev's accomplishments then vigorously talked himself up before
challenging Rusev to fight him then and there. Rusev was up for it. Lana told
him not to waste his time. He listened to her and they left the ring. The crowd
booed. Cena made a gag about Lana being a ho and said he'd defeat Rusev at Fast
Lane. But he would say that wouldn't he.
 |
| I'm not liking Rusev's chances. |
There’s time to make the Rusev v Cena feud great but
their early interactions haven’t filled me with confidence. Cena doesn’t seem
to want to treat Rusev seriously. If he doesn’t then he’ll undo a year of good
work building Rusev up as a credible upper mid-card heel and tank his chances
of progressing further. The progression would help the company as a whole but
create competition for Cena. It’s worth remembering that.
Paige spoke to Renee Young about her Divas championship
match at Fast Lane. She was immediately interrupted by the Bellas. They made comments
about Paige's skin tone, comparing her to snow and vampires. Paige laughed then
elbowed Brie. The Bellas ended the segment on top, Nikki posing with her belt
like she was in the ring.
The Ascension had a picture in picture promo as they
headed to the ring for their match against Goldust and Stardust. Konnor called
the New Age Outlaws D-geriatrics (because they were in D-Generation X, geddit?)
and Viktor called Goldust "Oldust". Great stuff. The writing team
really earned their money with this stellar material. It was a standard issue
tag match. Stardust was pinned with The Fall of Man after tagging himself in
against Goldust's better judgement.
Kane was again shown with the casket. Smoke had appeared
in the room since he was last shown. He laughed (maybe because of the smoke?)
then slammed the casket shut.
It wasn’t main event time quite yet. A backstage
promoting a Syfy show about magic had to take place first. Alicia Fox, Zack
Ryder, Summer Rae, and R-Truth were shown marking out over a magician from said
Syfy magic show. He took a bite out of an Oreo cookie appear (product placement
much?) and then made a whole one appear. Everyone was amazed by this.
Miz and Mizdow showed up. The magician lad said he'd
always wanted to do a "trick" (ermmmmmm... real magicians call them
illusions) with an A-lister. Miz fawned before the guy revealed he was talking
about Mizdow, who broke character to shake his hand. The guy taught Miz a
trick. Mizdow mimed Miz’s hand movements. The magician ended up cracking an egg
he'd made appear on Miz's face, to prove it was real. It was as funny as you'd
expect. In other words, not at all (except for Mizdow's miming).
In a darkened room Bray Wyatt asked what made people
happy. He revealed that he's happy doing things most people aren't. He also
mentioned smiles. It was even more pointless than the magic skit.
Budget cuts meant that there were no crew to set up the
casket for the casket match. Kane had to
wheel it out and put it in place before Bryan's entrance. Poor old Kane,
always getting lumbered with the unglamorous jobs. And, for that matter, the jobs.
They had the best match possible considering the crummy
gimmick they were lumbered with and the over familiarity of their pairing
together. The final three minutes were very good. Bryan slipped out of a Tombstone
piledriver on the apron and hit several charging drop kicks, wobbling 'The
Demon' over the coffin before getting thrown to the mat with a choke slam. ‘The
Big Red Machine’ rolled Bryan into the casket and leant across him to close the
lid. Bryan applied the Yes Lock and worked Kane into the casket and himself
onto the apron. He tried closing the thing but Kane fought out and back into
the ring where they ran through Tombstone, Yes Lock and choke slam attempts
before D-Bry yanked down the top rope and a charging Kane wound up on the
apron. A roundhouse kick dizzied him and a running knee sent him sprawling back
into the casket, slamming the lid closed to win.
 |
| He's beaten Kane on SmackDown but what will he do at WrestleMania? |
Bryan stood on the casket celebrating for two minutes
before the show ended. It was a long time to celebrate, but for some reason the
decision had been made for Michael Cole to yammer away about Triple H’s promise
to address the imaginary controversy on RAW as the show closed. Bryan had to
hang about because of that. Still, there are worse ways to close a show.
For the most part this SmackDown was decent. I’m
concerned about the way WWE are choosing to use Reigns though. Having him win
the Rumble is one thing, putting him in lengthy singles matches on TV is
another. It doesn’t play to his strengths and it’s going to do nothing to
dissipate the hostility towards him. Having him blitz people inside three
minutes is the way to go. Something tells me they’re not going to learn that
though.
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