The programme kicked off with the obligatory welcome from
the regular commentary team trio and a lurid graphic telling anyone who'd
somehow dodged the social media blitz and news site spoilers that the show
would feature a birthday celebration for Hulk Hogan. To that end presents, all
wrapped in 'Hulkster' red and yellow, were heaped at the top of the entrance
ramp. I'll put you out of your misery now and confirm that, sadly, Hogan did
not open any of them. At least not on TV.
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| Lovely new T-shirt on Lesnar there. |
Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman took the opening segment, a
promo designed to sell the Lesnar v Cena match to "the CeNation."
Lesnar had requested Heyman make this pitch apparently, although I find it
tough to imagine a string of monosyllabic grunts intelligibly making the request.
Heyman showed stills of Lesnar defeating The Streak (there was a pretty decent
pop when Shocked Undertaker Guy was shown) and reminded everyone that as a
rookie Lesnar had trounced both The Rock and Hulk Hogan, both of whom had
disappeared after their respective losses. Heyman claimed that after SummerSlam
Cena would be disappearing too, blissfully skipping over the fact that Rock
disappeared to make a film and Hogan disappeared due to one of his many
contract disputes. Amusingly Hogan's name got a mixed reaction, making him
officially less popular than Shocked Undertaker Guy. And on his birthday, no
less!
I was surprised when they acknowledged the Extreme Rules
2012 match between Lesnar and Cena. Heyman claimed that Lesnar had lost that
match but won the fight, whatever that means. He also claimed that Lesnar was
still suffering from diverticulitis (which he suffered from for years without
realising it, and it really did end his UFC career) at the time but at this
year's SummerSlam he'll be one hundred per cent. My favourite line of this rant
was that the beating Cena will receive will be that of a Shakespearean tragedy,
because there aren't anywhere near enough allusions to Shakespeare in
wrestling.
Heyman finished up with an entertaining rap, playing off
of Cena's old gimmick. Then he said the ring was Brock Lesnar's house and
announced they were going out for dinner (yes, really) with a promise that
they'd be back.
Flo Rida and Weird Al Yankovic wished Hogan a happy
birthday via videos. Later in the show we were treated to similarly vapid
messages from Drew Brees, AJ Hawk, Aaron Rodgers, Florida Georgia Line, and
Larry King. I'd heard of precisely three of these people.
After a break Roman Reigns entered the arena for the
first match of the show. Before that took place Kane strolled out in a suit and
announced he'd been made Director of Operations again. Amusingly, he referred
to himself in the third person when talking about the previous week's Reigns v
Kane bout and also botched his lines when he said "six weeks" instead
of "six days." I've missed Corporate Kane.
Reigns' opponents were RybAxel in a handicap match. The
former Shield boy won by disqualification when Ryback and Axel wouldn't stop
battering him at ringside. He gave both a Superman punch afterwards, with 'The
Big Guy' also getting a spear. That was followed by a formulaic babyface promo
most notable for once again demonstrating that trying to get Reigns to be funny
helps nobody.
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| A clip for a Dean Ambrose DVD compilation in ten years time. |
Rollins defeated RVD via curb stomp in the second match of
the night. Afterwards Dean Ambrose exploded out of a large Hogan present and
attacked him. Rollins ran off through the crowd. Ambrose reminded everyone
about the lumberjack match against his former teammate and sarcastically
plugged the WWE Network. It was funny, because Ambrose has the personality to
pull off something that ridiculous, but it's not something WWE should make a
habit of.
A Stephanie McMahon promo followed that. She brought
Megan Miller, physical therapist to Daniel Bryan, into the ring. Coaxed by
Steph, Megan claimed that she'd been having an affair with D-Bry. That brought
out an angry Brie Bella-Bryan (Triple B?) to give Megan a slap and spear
Stephanie. For good measure she put a Yes Lock on the boss before Finlay and Mr
Jamie Noble arrived to pry her off. Stephanie said they'd finish things later
on in the show. I'd be amazed if anyone in the building genuinely believed a
SummerSlam match was being moved, unadvertised, to the pre-'Slam RAW.
After that Jack Swagger defeated Cesaro with the Patriot
Lock. That was followed by a short, casual racism-stuffed promo from Zeb
Colter. Rusev and Lana came out during their "We the people!" shtick.
Flag waving ensued.
Next up was a sitdown interview with Bray Wyatt and Chris
Jericho, taped earlier in the day. Michael Cole was meant to host it but he was
dismissed within the first ten seconds by 'The Eater of Worlds'. Bray's opening
gambit was to say that 'Y2J' is a disappointment to his father (a retired NHL
player named Ted Irvine, for anyone who cares and doesn't already know). Of
himself Wyatt said he wants to help people but that he's never claimed to be a
saviour. I'm pretty sure he's claimed exactly that but his character isn't
exactly meant to be trustworthy or entirely lucid so I suppose the lie can be
overlooked. Then he descended into the normal Wyatt speak of monsters and
heaven and hell and bubbling nonsense (there's a pale horse on the horizon
apparently). Jericho said he's a survivor and promised he'll shut Wyatt up.
It wasn't the best segment. Wyatt functions far better
when he has a live crowd to read. Jericho fell into the trap many long serving
WWE stars seem to be falling into lately of referring to unlocking different
levels if sadism within themselves. It's boring and illogical, particularly for
a guy like Jericho who is still generally thought of as a technical wrestler,
albeit one who's experienced a wide variety of gimmick matches. On top of that
they appeared to be discussing which of the pair of them was and was not a
saviour. Not exactly riveting stuff, is it?
Match number four saw Eva Marie pin AJ Lee off a rollup
after Paige had skipped around the ring. The Divas champ is easily distracted.
'The Anti-Diva' then recited a poem. AJ then threw Eva into a crowd barrier.
That was probably designed to illustrate how dangerous she is.
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| As much as Cena's current title reign does nothing for me I do like the way he wears the belts. |
WWE champion John Cena was up next, sporting a new red
and yellow themed shirt no doubt inspired by the Hulk Hogan birthday bash. He
mimicked Paul Heyman's style of delivery to begin with, which was a nice touch.
He called Lesnar an arrogant bully who only cares about himself and said he'd
never lie down for him, because he doesn't like him. Maybe he's been hanging
out with Shawn Michaels. Acknowledging he's not unbeatable Cena said he would
lose the title(s) one day but he'd make sure it wasn't to 'The Beast'. And
speaking of that particular Lesnar nickname, Cena said he'd become a beast to
fight one. So there you go.
Cena called Lesnar out. There was no response. So Cena
spouted his catchphrases and left. It was an effective enough piece of work
from Cena, although he veered to close to his comedy routine for my liking.
The payoff to the earlier Stephanie and Brie angle was
next. Steph revealed Megan Miller was pressing charges against Brie for her
assault. JBL called it "brilliant", which made it even harder to take
as anything but a wrestling angle. Stephanie gloated.
Dolph Ziggler v Heath Slater ended with Slater winning by
count out after 'The Show Off' was distracted by Miz (who'd been on commentary)
and chased him around ringside. Ziggler gave 'The One Man Band' a post-match
Zig Zag to make sure there was no confusion about who the real star was.
The evening's final match saw Randy Orton defeat Sheamus.
The match itself was perfectly fine. They both did all their signature spots
and seemed happy to leave it at that. The finish was above average though:
Sheamus leapt off the top rope and got caught with an RKO.
Finally there was Hulk Hogan's birthday bash. The
birthday boy passed the entire roster assembled at the top of the ramp and
joined Gene Okerlund and Jimmy Hart in the ring. 'Mean' Gene then cued up a
video package looking back at Hogan’s life, wisely focusing mostly on his
original 80s run. It was a good piece of work. Hogan talked about getting
presents from everyone, including a wonderfully fictitious anecdote about Vince
McMahon giving him a birthday card with $9.99 in it so that he could subscribe to
the Network (which told us months ago, multiple times, he'd already signed up
for). They were then joined by Ric Flair, Paul Orndorf, Roddy Piper, Kevin Nash
and Scott Hall. The Outsiders encouraged 'The Hulkster' to tear off the red and
yellow and don the nWo black and white. Hogan ripped off his shirt, revealing
that he just so happened to be wearing the appropriate old WCW merch. Nash
capped off the nonsense by starting to sing happy birthday. He was cut off by
Brock Lesnar's music.
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| Lesnar just wanted a party of his own. |
'The Pain' got in Hogan's face before Cena ran down to
the ring to intervene. The SummerSlam opponents stared at one another for a
moment before Lesnar stepped out of the ring and sauntered into the aisle. The
final shot of the show was Brock shouting "I am a mercenary!"
The show achieved everything it needed to. Every segment
was designed to highlight a SummerSlam match. Some matches may have benefited
from a little more build (Ambrose v Rollins in particular) but on the whole
everything seemed well judged. I don't think WWE could have done much better
writing a RAW to create interest in this particular SummerSlam match. I'm that
regard it was mission: accomplished. Hopefully they pull out all the stops and
make SummerSlam a show to remember.
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