Wrestling is a varied art form. The word can be used to
refer to a number of different things that, once you’re familiar with the
basics of the sport, are quite different. It can just as easily be used to
refer to WWE’s sports entertainment approach as Japan’s puroresu, CHIKARA’s
comic book inspired action, Britain’s rounds-based technical mat wrestling, the
southern-US approach of rasslin’, ROH’s serious athleticism, and TNA’s
directionless nonsense. All can accurately be described as professional
wrestling but they all have their different, some more pronounced than others.
Out on the very fringes of the term sits Kaiju Big
Battel. This is where wrestling meets Japanese monster movies, a combination so
niche that no mainstream promotion would ever touch it and so specific that smaller
companies would avoid it even as a one off. Because how would you even
incorporate it as a one off? It’s a pairing that has to be embraced in order to
work, and Kaiju Big Battel have done just that.
Some aspects of wrestling logic don’t apply to Kaiju Big
Battel. The ring is presented as a cityscape which the competing kaiju use as a
battleground. Traditional wrestling moves and holds are used sporadically. And,
most notably, everyone competes as a kaiju character, most of whom are linked
to one loose faction (heroes, rogues, or Dr Cube’s Posse) wearing a specially
designed outfit. Suspension of disbelief is more required than usual and the promotion’s
own logic has to be fully embraced. But it’s still unmistakably wrestling.
There’s a ring and the base logic of a good guy facing a bad guy. It’s just that
here the good guy might be a cardboard box robot and the bad guy a walking
mushroom.
I thought I’d cover Kaiju Big Battel’s WrestleMania
weekend offering, Little Trouble in Big Easy. Doing so wasn’t easy. It was on
at five in the morning by British time and didn’t get uploaded for a couple of
days. These things were easy to overlook but added to the overall frustration I
experienced when watching the show and having to struggle with the shoddy audio
system. There’s no commentary and the show was held at the same venue as the
weekend’s Dragon Gate USA shows. High production quality is not a concern for
me, but when it actively detracts from a show I’m watching it’s natural for my
enjoyment to be impacted.
I bring this up to explain why there are some missing
names below, to cover myself in case any names that are given are written
incorrectly. That’s something else to be expected when you can’t make out rings
introductions.
The stream kicked off with Louden Noxious (who bears an
uncanny resemblance to CHIKARA's Gavin Loudspeaker…) already at ringside high fiving
fans and screaming unintelligibly into a microphone. He continued his
screeching, which the crowd loved, as he dashed around the arena, clambered
over chairs, and ran into the crowd below the stage before ending up in the
ring. Once he'd made it there he promised us an evening of danger and mentioned
the iPPV broadcast. He's a very good hype man, even if you can’t make out most
of what he says.
After nearly six minutes of hype, during which he
revealed that lead baddie Dr Cube was the new judge of New Orleans, Noxious
introduced The Gambling Bug (it bites people and they become addicted to
gambling). It had a bag allegedly containing ¥5,000 with it, prompting an
amusing "Yen!" chant. Referee Bryce Remsburg was brought out next. He
got a loud babyface reaction from the crowd. But as loud as he was it paled in
comparison to what Paco and Pedro, the Plantains, heard. They are seemingly beloved
by those who pay attention to Kaiju Big Battel on a regular basis.
The battle (battel?) started with the Plantains trying to
body slam The Bug. Neither could manage it so they took a breather, which
allowed the heel kaiju to attack them from behind and chuck them onto a bunch
of buildings. The Plantains came back with some right hands and a double hip
toss... which won them the money. Paco danced in the ring to celebrate and got
smacked in the back of the head with a building by The Gambling Bug. He was
then carried backstage.
The first combatant introduced for the second battle was
Yarsminko, who came to the ring swigging from a six pack of beer and carrying a
bag of rubbish. His opponent was Slo Feng, a Viking kitted out in blue and
yellow and carrying what seemed to be Mjolnir. He used that to immediately destroy
a building when the match began, although he was aiming for his unkempt foe.
Slo Feng then got scoop slammed, covered in salt (or maybe sugar) and licked by
his foe. Slo Feng was knocked around for a bit, making a comeback when he
narrowly avoided a back splash off the top rope. Yarsminko tried lifting the
hammer but couldn't manage it. The attempt was enough to allow Slo Feng to nail
him from behind and then easily snatch up the hammer to use himself. Yarsminko
was understandably unable to kick out of that. Slo Feng protected New Orleans
like a champ.
After the match Noxious led a "You lost!" chant
designed to drive Yarsminko backstage. It worked. He ran backstage crying.
Teddy Hart made a special appearance after that. After
flashing his six pack he took a seat in the audience to watch the third battle.
He wouldn’t be shown again and didn’t have his cat with him, disappointingly. That
saw the super popular Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle take on Tucor and Sekhmet. Tucor
is a slender brown kaiju with a beak and Craw has a giant right hand and a
metal jaw. Hey are two of Dr Cube’s lead henchmen. Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle is,
as you can probably guess, a tin of chicken noodles with arms and legs. Natch.
In an impressive display Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle nailed
both his opponents with Stunners and performed a moonsault. Unfortunately for
him he missed, which allowed Tucor to pull him up and Samoan roll him through
stack of buildings, reducing them to rubble. Amazingly Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle
was able to stagger back to his feet as his foes posed. Both received splashes before
Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle obtained the popular win with a double choke slam.
After the match The Grudyin joined his Posse teammates in
the ring. Unimpressed with their loss The Grudyin knocked their heads together.
Sun Buster, a green clad hero with a NES controller for a forearm, was
introduced as his opponent. Craw and Tucor tripped Remsburg and then involved
themselves in the match, triple teaming the good guy.
Thankfully The Awful Waffle was in the building and was unwilling
to let such injustice pass. He took justice into his own hands, sending the
misbehaving Craw and Tucor packing and resuscitating Remsburg. With the playing
field level once more Sun Blaster made a comeback, begun by pinching The
Grudyin's prominent nipples, and then leg dropped a building across his
opponent's head for the win.
After that Louden Noxious said that there was no number
one contender for the Grand championship and issued a challenge to anyone in
the audience to participate in a number one contenders match. By pure
coincidence the audience included kaiju hero Dusto Bunny. He was selected for
the match by Noxious and was pitted against a kaiju with an American footballer
feel to it. For the record Dusto Bunny's face reminded me of the Master's in
The Deadly Assassin. That's Doctor Who stuff if you're wondering. The heel
kaiju won with a low blow (right in front of the referee so presumably it's
legal). Noxious got the audience booing but the monster didn't care: he played
up to it knowing he had a Grand championship match coming his way. The fiend!
Next The Gambling Bug returned with Paco tied up and held
hostage. Pedro was then introduced with the bag of yen he’d won fair and square
earlier in the evening. It wasn't entirely clear but it seemed as though the
decision of the earlier match was under investigation. Dr Cube was introduced
as a judge alongside his minions and Tucor. Cube ran through the case but the
poor microphone made it impossible to hear most of what he said (in fairness the
fact that he had a box on his head didn’t help). I did understand him
sentencing The Gambling Bug to death though. Which seemed… excessive.
Cube's Posse beat the monster down and carried it
backstage. Tucor and the number one contender then turned Pedro and ejected Remsburg
from the ring. The beating finished with Tucor leaping off the top rope to
splash the Plantain through a pile of buildings. Seconds afterwards American
Beetle rocked up and untied Paco, allowing the yellow ones to take out all
members of the Posse, and Dr Cube himself, to send the crowd home happy.
Kaiju Big Battel is not going to be for everyone. I
imagine many wrestling fans will find it jarring. I certainly wouldn’t be
interested in watching it more than a few times a year. But it’s a refreshing
break from wrestling’s usual tropes and a chance to watch the sport through a
different creative prism. Watched sporadically I think most wrestling fans with
a sense of fun can enjoy Kaiju Big Battel’s product. And a large number of
non-fans probably can too.
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