Hell in a Cell 2014 preview

So here we are. The sixth annual Hell in a Cell pay-per-view. The sixth!  They shouldn’t have gotten to the first. A gimmick match being the focus of an annual event devalues it, as I’ve written many times before (usually during Hell in a Cell previews). The entire point of stipulation matches is that they get wheeled out when a rivalry calls for it, not because the name of a show dictates it.

But hang on a moment. This year we actually have a fitting feud for the Hell in a Cell, WWE’s premier gimmick bout and feud-ender. Former Shield brethren Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins have been waging war on one another since the beginning of June. Clocking over four months and a surprisingly slim number of televised bouts¹ they’re the natural pair to close this show inside the cage.

Only they’re probably not going to get to. John Cena and Randy Orton have also been booked to clash in the Hell in a Cell for absolutely no logical storyline reason. They’re meeting again because they need something to do. That’s it.  Ambrose defeated Cena to earn his match against Rollins, a foolish move in itself: Cena being in contention for a Cell match with Rollins detracted from the animosity between Rollins and Ambrose. Losing to Ambrose meant Cena got a Cell match with Orton.

Cena and Orton meeting in a Cell brings with it a barrel load of monotony. The two have collided on WWE television dozens of times over the years and have never produced anything beyond an average match together. They’ve faced off on pay-per-view a few times this year alone, most notably at Royal Rumble where they began their anything goes encounter (brought about by Orty viciously attacking Cena’s father) with a lock up. Had their programme rumbled on since then the Cell would have at least made sense, although we should probably be thankful that it didn’t. Eleven months of Cena v Orton (they’d started off with a staredown at the end of the 2013 Survivor Series) is depressing just to think about.

Also worth noting is that this isn’t even the first time the two have met inside the Hell in a Cell. They went on fifth at the inaugural 2009 HIAC pay-per-view (in what was billed at the time as their final encounter EVER), a show that was opened by CM Punk v Undertaker and closed by D-Generation X v Legacy. Yeah, Punk, ‘Taker, Orton and Cena all worked Cell matches lower down the card than Ted DiBiase Jr yet Rollins and Ambrose likely will not close the 2014 instalment.

Wherever they’re put on the card the former Shield lads will almost certainly produce the better bout. In an ideal world Cena and Orton would open up the card and do everything in their power to make it the best entry in their never-ending rivalry. With the rest of the card in between the two Cell encounters Ambrose and Rollins would be afforded as much cool down as possible and could go out and tear the house down with a Cell clash given a suitably different layout.

But we don’t live in a perfect world. WWE could pull these matches off (just) if they wanted to. But that would involve portraying Ambrose and Rollins as the biggest stars of the night. I just don’t think it will happen. Cena and Orton are the established names and they’re the ones WWE is convinced the majority of people are tuning in to see.

Let’s pick winners. Cena seems likelier than Orton to win. They’re not actually feuding with each other and when that’s said of a Cena PPV match then he’s usually the safer choice. Meanwhile Ambrose probably needs the win in his match more than Rollins. He’s only beaten Seth once on TV (and that’s the only place it counts in WWE) and this is the environment in which ‘The Lunatic Fringe’ has to win if he is to be the anti-hero we can believe in, overcoming everything Sethy B lobs his way. That includes the likely Kane interference.

The rest of the card is very clearly intended to be filler.

Paige and AJ Lee will have their fourth consecutive pay-per-view bout. Only one of the previous three was not a singles match (Night of Champions saw them joined by Nikki Bella for a three-way… get your minds out of the gutter) and they’ve had a few singles matches on TV too. None of them have risen above average. I had high hopes for the programme when AJ returned but it’s become one of the dullest long-running programmes in years.

I’ll pick Paige to win as that would get the title back on her and allow AJ to be put in the chasing babyface role she’s better suited to at this point. Note that I’m expecting their feud to continue. WWE doesn’t have any other women ready to step into a featured feud, even for the meaningless Divas championship. The frustrating thing is that they could have a stellar women’s division if they wanted one.

Sheamus’s United States title defence against The Miz is mostly an excuse to get the popular Damien Mizdow character on to the show. It’s a good call as he’ll get the crowd reacting while the two former WWE world champions put on a good match. I think this could play host to a title change. ‘Great White’ has done nothing with the belt since winning it in May. Putting it on Miz would allow Mizdow to do the replica belt shtick he did with the IC title on the September 22 RAW. Beyond that sight gag it could also lead to a Mizdow face turn and a feud between the star and his stunt double, perhaps restoring some credibility to the championship and making something of Sandow’s popularity.

We all know that Big Show versus Rusev will end in one of two ways. Either Rusev wins clean or Big Show wins via disqualification. I think it will be the former. There’s also a chance that Mark Henry will turn on Show to start a pointless rerun of that feud. They’d be of more interest contributing to the tag division as that’s something new for them but a split seems inevitable.

Goldust and Stardust will defend the tag team titles against the Usos. We’ve seen these teams face off many times. They can be trusted to produce something competent without burning the crowd out.  I’ll predict the champions to retain, because why not? As is the case with the Divas, WWE could have a solid tag division if they wanted one, making these constant repeats obsolete.

Not confirmed at time of writing but expected to happen is Cesaro and Dolph Ziggler. They are two of WWE's best and should put on the best match of the night outside of Rollins v Ambrose. An Intercontinental title reign would be nice for Cesaro at some point as he's the sort of guy who could have a good run with it. But before that happens the belt needs to be given meaning again, and the best way for to achieve that is to keep it on 'The Show Off' for a while and continuing to give him lengthy matches on TV and PPV. Ziggler to retain here, but let Cesaro take it from him in the future.

Finally, there’s the Nikki Bella versus Brie Bella match with one of the most wrestling stipulations WWE has done for quite a while. In a move straight out of the Jerry TV pilot in Seinfeld the loser of the match will have to be the winner’s PA for a month². It’s the sort of scenario that can only work if a heel is the victor, and it would also provide a natural setup for a rematch. So I think Nikki will win. As for match quality… the match will certainly happen.

Hell in a Cell seems very much like a one match card. I can’t imagine anyone being interested in the Cena v Orton match, even with the desperation (overbooked, call it what you will) stipulation that the winner will get the next shot at Brock Lesnar’s WWE championship³. Ambrose versus Rollins in the top gimmick match the company has is the clear draw. The mid-card has nothing to offer beyond Cesaro v Ziggler and Miz and Sheamus’s match, and the latter’s only of interest because of a man at ringside. Hell in a Cell 2014 will have a tough job of being an interesting show.

Predictions summary:

Dean Ambrose to defeat Seth Rollins
John Cena to defeat Randy Orton
The Miz to defeat Sheamus for the United States championship
Dolph Ziggler to defeat Cesaro
Rusev to defeat Big Show
Nikki Bella to defeat Brie Bella
Goldust and Stardust to defeat the Usos
Paige to defeat AJ Lee for the Divas championship

***

¹ They were both involved in the Money in the Bank Ladder match on June 29, won by Rollins; Ambrose lost to Rollins and Kane in a handicap match on the July 29 SmackDown; Rollins won their enjoyable lumberjack encounter at SummerSlam; and Ambrose picked up his sole televised win over Rollins on the August 18 post-SummerSlam RAW.

² “Is this common in your legal system?”

³ Presumably this will take place at Royal Rumble. That will give WWE three months to promote their number two card of the year. Good move. Thumbs up!

NXTweet 13.03.13

Last week’s NXT felt sparse. This week’s show more than made up for it with matches featuring Kassius (or Kass-yus, as Tony Dawson likes to call him) and Bray Wyatt. Even Big E Langston had a match. That’s become something of a novelty since he got called up to the main roster to work as Dolph Ziggler’s enforcer.

The NXT champ worked a competitive main event against the United States champion Antonio Cesaro. That came about when ‘The Swiss Superman’ interrupted an address by World Heavyweight champion Alberto Del Rio. It was a strange segment. The World champ essentially showed up to be interrupted and provide the impetus for a match featuring two men he usually has nothing to do with. It would have been more interesting to see him wrestle someone like Corey Graves or Conor O’Brian.

The Big E v Cesaro match was good. WWE has a peculiar habit of booking guys that start out winning via squash in longer and longer matches. Look at what happened with Ryback and Brodus Clay last year. I suppose it makes sense to do this on NXT: it’s supposed to be somewhere guys improve and they’ll improve far quicker if they’re given longer matches.

Ohno wrestled against Derrick Bateman. Oddly it was Daniel Bryan’s former on-screen protégé that dominated the majority of the match. Ohno, by far the man with the higher standing, got what amounted to a fluke victory after booting Bateman in the chops. The booking wasn’t bad, but it was surprising.

Following his win Ohno slapped his STF kravat hold onto Bateman. William Regal made the save. I’ve written before that a televised collision between them would be A Good Thing. If announced a week or two in advance and built up as a meaningful match it would make a very worthwhile main event.

 

Ohno channelling Thor in preparation for his upcoming showdown with William Regal

 

Bray Wyatt lost to Bo Dallas. It was a relatively uninspiring showing. Bray’s good in the ring, but he’s far more interesting as a character than as a wrestler. His opposition didn’t help. I’m not a fan of Dallas: everything from his long, stringy hair to his generic wrestling style put me off him.

Wyatt puts me in mind of Raven during his ECW heyday heading up the Flock. The Wyatt Family isn’t as impressive as that iconic and eclectic stable but Bray has many similarities with Raven. They both work a brawling style, wear street clothes for their matches, and are excellent promos. There’s a hint of the old Raven trait of being a cult leader in Bray too. I like the similarity. Raven was underappreciated everywhere outside of ECW. I’d like it if Bray could succeed in WWE with a similar gimmick.

Opening video

Tweet 1: NXTweet.

Tweet 2: Alberto Del Rio's going to appear. That'll be... well, it'll be something.

Derrick Bateman v Kassius Ohno

Tweet 3: It’s Kassius… OHNO!

Tweet 4: This has been on my mind for a while now: what's going on with Bateman's hair. Looks like he's asked for the "Elaine from Seinfeld" look.
Tweet 5: Dawson is still saying "Kass-yus". Weird fella.
Tweet 6: Bateman was on offence for most of that. Ohno pulled out a win with a boot to the face. Booking Bateman like a job: good stuff!
Tweet 7: Regal saved Bateman from a devastating kravat. The fans gave him a token, brief, chant.

Emma v Summer Rae

Tweet 8: It's Emma. She still seems drunk. I don't understand this act at all.

Tweet 9: "If you thought she was talented with the microphone..." - Tony Dawson on Summer Rae (he tailed off and didn't finish the sentence)
Tweet 10: Regal says Summer's wrestled like a veteran in the women's division.
Tweet 11: She's been wrestling for about a month. With the division the way it is that qualifies her as a veteran.

Is that Summer Rae or Kelly Kelly? It's difficult to tell...

Tweet 12: According to Regal Summer just performed a "headmare".
Tweet 13: Spinning heel kick there. It would be more accurate to say spinning thigh kick but never mind.
Tweet 14: Paige's return was greeted with apathy. Probably because the fans forget she was supposed to be "injured".

Renee Young interviews Adrian Neville

Tweet 15: Adrian Neville promo. #Geordievision

Tweet 16: Neville looks like an imp.

Matt Striker interviews Big E Langston

Tweet 17: You know Big E Langston's a star because Matt Striker's been called in to interview him.

Tweet 18: Big E's defense against Conor O'Brian will be delicious. I hope that match features Langston licking O'Brian several times.

Bo Dallas v Bray Wyatt

Tweet 19: When Bray Wyatt is given the chance to cut promos on people that matter he'll become a star.

Tweet 20: Bo Dallas does not matter.
Tweet 21: Was Wyatt just singing a song from The Lion King?
Tweet 22: The Wyatt Family should recruit more members. Stick Justin Gabriel in and have him dress in a giraffe outfit. It'd be a refreshing change.
Tweet 23: Bo Dallas beating Bray is apparently a shock, even though he's the one who won a slot in the Rumble and beat Wade Barrett.
Tweet 24: Bray's finisher should be called the Husky DDT.

Not dissimilar to Raven

Renee Young interviews Justin Gabriel

Tweet 25: Justin Gabriel's going to tell us all about his problems with Leo Kruger. Oh good.

Tweet 26: Gabriel told us NOTHING about his problems with Kruger there. He just explained that Kruger was in the South African militia.

Alberto Del Rio promo, featuring Ricardo Rodriguez, Antonio Cesaro and Dusty Rhodes

Tweet 27: Albertooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Dellllllllllllllllllllll Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiooooooooooooooooo!!

Tweet 28: "'Viva Del Rio' they shout everywhere he goes!" - Tony Dawson, lying
Tweet 29: Nice of Del Rio to dress for the occasion.
Tweet 30: To say he's the new WHC is stretching it a bit. He won it over two months ago.
Tweet 31: Antonio Cesaro... Heeeey!!
Tweet 32: If Cesaro thinks he can beat Del Rio why not challenge him to a title match?
Tweet 33: It's 'The Dream'... baybee!

Big E Langston v Antonio Cesaro

Tweet 34: Big E Langston, walking to the ring through an explosion of powder. What a man! What a MACHINE!

Tweet 35: I'd like Dawson to say that Langston is "285 pounds of pure Big E goodness."
Tweet 36: Cesaro doesn't wear kneepads. He doesn't wear elbow pads. You're lucky he's wearing trunks!
Tweet 37: That uppercut was very European.
Tweet 38: Cesaro deadlifting Langston is the highlight of this show. His expression was priceless.
Tweet 39: E Train? Good name for a move. Ridiculous, but good.
Tweet 40: Conor O'Brian and Corey Graves do run-ins. This qualifies as chaos according to Dawson.
Tweet 41: Langston is clearly not popular with the locker room. Nobody made the save. Not even ADR.